This happened to a good friend of ours who was serving in Iraq. We were neighbors and when he left, his GF wasted no time in terms of entertaining other men. We watched it go on for about a month. Finally our friend, who called us almost weekly from Mosul, told my husband he suspected something was going on. It was at that time my husband told him the truth. The GF then proceeded to clean out his bank accounts. I guess it's good we told him when we did- but to do that when someone has their life on the line thousands of miles away is just morally repugnant to me.
Your My Friend Why Didn't You Tell Me ?
- Thread starter Prada's Meadow
- Start date
Wow, this is tough. I would, no matter how close the girl is to me, ask to talk to her and gently break it to her. Start with asking her for permission (if we're not close) to be blunt about her personal life. Then, I'd tell her what I saw -not my conclusions, but just what I saw. The facts.
I would only intervene if the person being cheated on was a close friend. Think it might become a sticky situation to say anything if i was only an aquaintance and not really privy to the type of relationship the couple had.
Of course, even with the good friend situation there is trouble when I consider myself close with both husband & wife - if i caught one of them cheating I would likely confront the cheater first to give them the chance to tell the truth to the spouse, or else I would. I don't want my confidence to be held hostage by a friend, but I would give them credit to do the right thing before I make trouble.
I completely agree! Just a tv example: Meredith from Grey's Anatomy was having a relationship - as opposed to an affair- with McDreamy, not knowing that she was 'the other woman' and she was completely oblivious to the deception. Sure, if she knowingly involved herself she might be more at fault, but obviously the man who engages the relationship in the first place is the one deserving of the blame/anger/etc.
Of course, even with the good friend situation there is trouble when I consider myself close with both husband & wife - if i caught one of them cheating I would likely confront the cheater first to give them the chance to tell the truth to the spouse, or else I would. I don't want my confidence to be held hostage by a friend, but I would give them credit to do the right thing before I make trouble.
shu said:
I completely agree! Just a tv example: Meredith from Grey's Anatomy was having a relationship - as opposed to an affair- with McDreamy, not knowing that she was 'the other woman' and she was completely oblivious to the deception. Sure, if she knowingly involved herself she might be more at fault, but obviously the man who engages the relationship in the first place is the one deserving of the blame/anger/etc.
It depends. Back in high school, I had a girlfriend tell me and I trusted my boyfriend so much I didn't believe her. I didn't get mad at her either. It was one of those things were one girl told her and then she told me. I thought the girl that told her was making it up, because I knew she had a thing for my high school boyfriend. I then found out my friend was right and I still like this girl. We grew up together though and had a longstanding relationship.
I went to her wedding and have no problems with her. It depends on how close you are I guess.
I went to her wedding and have no problems with her. It depends on how close you are I guess.
ameka said:
^^^ I don't agree with that. When I was in college, my bf cheated on me. Apparently, the girl had been relentlessly chasing him (or so he and mutual friends said). She apparently knew all about me, who I was and all that. She then found me to tell me in person how she had been with him the night before. That's how I found out about it. Talk about tactless and strange. It vaguely reminded me of Single White Female, but she was too in my face about it. Then she started attending activities I had, kept trying to weasle her way into every aspect of my life.
I don't have much sympathy for women who are knowingly the "other" woman. Needless to say, both the cheating bf and her are history. He contacted me again a while back trying to get into my life, saying that he'd like to pick off where we ended. I told him that we ended where I wasn't talking to him and hung up on him. Best move I made! Good riddance. The sad thing was that I was totally in love with him at the time and thought he was the one for me and well, he ruined that.
but still. 
BalenciagaLove said:
My point was more about those who are unaware that the men they are seeing are involved with other people. Basically that sometimes the 'other woman' is not aware that she is, and she is honestly going into the situation thinking she met a man who is single, etc. If the man was lying, and deceived the woman the entire time, she might be pretty foolish for having fallen for him, but she is not at fault for his cheating behavior.
But like you said, knowingly getting involved is a completely different situation. My opinion is still that even though the woman is still at fault, since she had no obligation to the relationship (unlike a bf/spouse), then their portion of blame should still be lesser than the one who did the cheating.
This is a tough question....if I had solid proof I'd say something for sure. It would also depend on how well I know the person. I would hate to be in that position and I'm sure I've been and never knew it. I would like to know if my bf was cheating on me. I as a person know that I'm better than that and that I deserve better. I wouldn't want to be the fool that they are laughing about behind my back. I would credit any of my friends that would be able to tell me. Its never a win win situation someone is bound to get hurt. It's best that the victim gets away quick.
ameka said:
True, I must have misread/misunderstood your post. I just don't know why we as women start attacking the other woman when she clearly had no idea. Maybe it's the fact that we tend to be more forgiving of men than each other. Lashing out at someone who clearly has no idea what was going on either doesn't seem right. In the matters of the heart, I think it's hard for us to say that someone should have 40% of the blame versus 60% of the blame. In my situation, I was certainly more of the "Shoot 'em all and let God sort 'em out" type of mentality. Heck, you're either innocent or guilty. (Unfortunately, life isn't that black and white).
I agree with this. Some people really don't want to know. I think they do know but don't want to admit it to themselves. If they are aware that their friends/family knows (as it would be evident if someone told them about the cheating), then it becomes an awkward/shameful situation and it just makes them feel worse about it. People stay with their SO for many reasons -- children, lifestyle, etc. -- sometimes having the fantasy that everything is going well is what they want.
BUT of course some people want to know if their SO is cheating on them. In that case, I would tell.
It really depends on what the person wants. Before I act, I would try to figure out what it is that she wants. The point is not to make the person feel worse about herself.
BUT of course some people want to know if their SO is cheating on them. In that case, I would tell.
It really depends on what the person wants. Before I act, I would try to figure out what it is that she wants. The point is not to make the person feel worse about herself.
puddinhd58 said:I have had the opportunity to ponder this one myself..:cry:
The answer, NO...
I fought with myself long and hard. It was my girlfriend. Her husband was fooling around on her.
I decided in the end not to say a word. I do honestly feel that most woman know. There is a feeling you get, or at least a suspition...
If you tell her, then she MUST act on that infomation or lose face. Maybe she isnt' ready to face it?
If the hubby is a dog, she will find out on her own, in her own time. And she did, in this case.
It is awful to be in that situation....but in the end I think minding you own business is for the best for everyone.