Fannie: (
to Will and Grace) You know, I have been doing this for a long time. I mean, I have shot rock stars, politicians, movie stars, my own vagina ... and this is the first time anyone has ever, ever asked me for a re-shoot.
Karen: I'm gonna be so mad when my mood elevators wear off.
Jack: Come on, Kar. What do you think we should get, facials or colonics?
Karen: Mmm, I don't know. Let's flip a coin for it. Heads or tails? Ha ha ha!
Will: I guess that story's not so much wonderful as it is incredibly sad.
Karen: You know what else is incredibly sad? Poor people with big dreams. Actually, that's not so much sad as it is incredibly funny.
Grace: We're gonna make a baby!
Will:
(excitedly) I know.
Grace: But don't forget what we talked about last night. We're not gonna tell anyone about this baby until I'm actually pregnant.
Will: Well, what about our friends?
Grace: No, no, our friends will just make stupid comments and have stupid opinions.
Will: That's a little unfair.
Jack:
(entering) Are there any hobbits left in America?
Will: I take it back, that's totally fair.
Karen: Ah, Smitty... I'm about to break the heart of a lovely man whose only crime is wanting to get in my pants. Come on. Give me something to smile about.
Smitty: Well, I'm not sure I can do that, ma'am. You see, I'm getting laid off. Today's my last day, and I have seven kids to feed.
(
Karen laughs loudly and giggles)
Karen: Not as good as the wife one! But-- but still... Pretty damn funny!
Karen: Ah, Smitty. I'm having a little hubby trouble. How about cheering me up with one of your jokes?
Smitty: (
Sadly) I'm afraid I'm not in much of a joking mood. You see, my wife died Christmas, and I just haven't been myself since.
(
Karen laughs breathlessly)
Karen: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ah, Smitty. You always know just what to say.
Lionel: (
to Karen) Lionel Banks. Lionel, like the train. Banks, like money. And you are?
Karen: Anastasia Beaverhausen. Anastasia, like Russian royalty. Beaverhausen, like... where the beaver live.
Jack: (
to Elliot) You can't be here right now. We're about to have a very serious conversation that isn't appropriate for a child your age.
Elliot: Well, can I listen at the door?
Jack: Yeah, I think that'll be fine.
Will: You know, the female reproductive system is so amazing. It's a miracle, really. So complex. So beautiful. (
Will turns the page and tosses the book onto the table.) Yow! What is that thing?! God! It looks like the bad guy in a science fiction movie.
Grace: Oh, please. Like your stuff looks like a box full of kittens? It don't.
Will: I-I-I-I-- I kissed a guy, okay? At that club the other night, the Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay club. I did go, and I met this guy... a hot hot hot hot hot guy. And I know we said we were taking ourselves off the market, but then this, this Pink song came on, and... his shirt came off. And I thought, "I've got two choices here. I can go home, and I can take care of my future baby mama... or I can get this party started." And, Grace...I got that party started.
Grace: Don't be so hard on yourself. It's a really good song.
http://www.tv.com/usersubmission/episode_quotes.html?episode_id=183059&blurb_id=1274253
Will: What's wrong with me? You broke our pact.
Grace: What pack?
Will: Not pack, pact.
Grace: That's what I said, "pack."
Will: No, P-A-C-- Let's take a different tack.
Grace: You mean tact.
Will: No, tack! Tack, pact! One ends with a "K." One ends with a "T." I know, it's ironical! Look it up in the freakin' dictionary!
Will: Why are you up? The doctors said the best chance of getting pregnant was being flat on your back with your legs in the air. So come on, pretend somebody just paid for dinner.
Grace: That's offensive.
Will: Pretend it was lobster.
(Grace flops onto the couch and throws her legs into the air.)
Karen: After years of being with Stan, I felt like "finally a man who knows how to make a woman feel like a girl, and how to make that girl feel like a slut, and how to make that slut feel like a woman."
Jack: It turns out he only needed an assistant to find the stalker. If I stop stalking, he doesn't need an assistant. I had to re-stalk to keep my job and realize my dream of dancing with him in a cornfield. Come on, catch up, slow mo!
Will: This is ridiculous! I swear if I had anything better to do with my life I'd be outta here like a shot!
Jack: I left him a cardboard cutout of himself signed "Nice stalkin' to ya." Let's tune in and see how he reacts.
(Jack pulls out a pair of binoculars and starts spying.)
Jack: Okay, okay. All right, he's seeing it, but he's not-- he's not moving! Oh, my God, it's like something flattened him!
Will: Perhaps you're looking at the cardboard cutout, dinkus.
Kevin Bacon: This is serious. This is gonna freak you out... but... I have a stalker.
Jack: (
Gasps) No! Are you sure?
Kevin Bacon: Damn it! Kyra didn't believe me either! Why is it so hard for everyone to believe that I would have a stalker? Just--just find him for me, all right?
Jack: Oh, I'll find me--him! And when I find him, I am gonna stop me--him.
Kevin:
(about his stalker) This guy is slippery. If I had a dollar for every time my jock strap had been stolen from the gym–
Jack: You'd have $186!
Kevin: Look, when the stalkers leave, it's the first sign that your career is slipping. It's a little tidbit I picked up from Val Kilmer.
Will: You--you did a movie with Val Kilmer?
Kevin: No, but Val was in
Top Gun with Tom Cruise, and Tom was in
A Few Good Men with me. Huh, that was a short one.
Jack: Number of films with full frontal nudity... four! Number of films with full sidal nudity... three! Number of films with rear frontal nudity... priceless!
Karen: Well, maybe it's for the best. Then you and I can move on with our lives. Out in the open to love freely.
Grace: Karen, we're not a couple.
Karen: Aren't we?
Grace: No.
Karen: Well, all I know is when I woke up this morning, there was red hair on my pillow and lesbian porn in the VCR.