Why do people look at me like I'm nuts?


tPF Bish
Jul 7, 2006
Just before I went to college, I was diagnosed with premature ovarian failure. I have always known that while I can carry a child, I would have to use a donor egg.

I don't like that idea. I'd be carrying and giving birth to a child that's not 'mine' and it would never be 'mine.' (And honestly, the idea of giving birth just freaks me out!)

Ever since then, I decided that when I am ready for children, I'd really like to adopt.

Maybe I wasn't meant to give birth to children. But that doesn't mean I can't be a loving parent to a child who doesn't have parents.

I'm single and never been married, but when I talk with my friends about 'planning ahead things,' I always start my sentences with, "When I adopt children . . . "

Usually, they'll ask why I want to adopt, and I'll tell them honestly. One friend actually said, "You don't want to experience childbirth?"

NO, I don't.

Whenever I talk with my parents and the subject of children comes up, I'll mention adoption because that's what I've been planning all along. My dad is fine with it (although once he brought up the topic of having a surrogate parent, which appeals to me.)

My mother, though, sometimes has the same response as other people. This is the same person that went out of her way to show me tv specials and articles about celebrities who have adopted children.

It just bothers me, because it took me this long to know that I can't ever have my own children. I made peace with the idea of adopting children when I'm ready and I'm looking forward to it.

But sometimes people's comments really bother me. It's almost like they're saying it doesn't 'count' unless you carry and give birth to a child.

You'd think people would have different attitudes about it these days.


Mar 13, 2007
it's easy for me to say, don't listen to what others have to say, but i know it's hard. You have made peace with your situation and are embracing the idea of adoption, that's great! It's wonderful to give a child a loving home! It definately "counts" and you are no less of a woman if you don't give birth, that's rediculous. I'm glad you have family support in your father. Your mom will love that child regarless once she lays eyes on it.


Feb 5, 2006
the forest dim
They are silly! Adopting a child is such an amazing thing to do. So many children need good loving homes in this world. I think it would be an amaazzing experience and I think it would feel really good for yourself, and also to know that the wellbeing if this baby is now secured.

So I think that once the process begins that you will have all the support in the world from family and friends.


Nov 1, 2006
Mothers in most instances love their biological children, and for some of them it's hard to think of loving another child in just the same way. That's the way they are.

Not having a child of your own, but adopting one and loving it the same way as you would your own does not make you any less of a woman - in fact it makes you more of a woman than others who think they can only love their own biological children.


Caitlin, I think you've made a mature and wise decision and you just need to ignore those who are being catty about it. I seriously do not understand the miracle of childbirth mentality - I mean, ask a woman giving birth if she's overwhelmed by the miracle she's experiencing, and let me tell you, she's going to curse at you. Childbirth is a necessary process to get children, but the miracle is the child I would say. You can fully experience that miracle through adoption and give an unwanted child a home. That's one of the greatest things any person can do.


Loves the Lindy!
Mar 8, 2007
I admire you, both for the tremendously mature and wise way in which you've come to terms with the ovarian failure and for the generous decision you've made in response.

I am shocked that anyone who knows the full truth would respond in the way that you've described. I can see people who are ignorant of your reasons and think you want to adopt in order to avoid pregnancy possibly commenting (not that it's appropriate then, either, but I can see where you'd get that response), but people who know you had premature ovarian failure? I just don't get that. I think your decision is not just logical, but so admirable.

For people close to you, like your mom, I would try to explain my reasons once, and if they don't get it, would likely just say "Mom, it's a decision I've made; I'd like you to be happy for me that I've reached it, and I'm sure you'll love your grandchildren just the same," or something similar when it comes up in future. For casual acquaintances, I'd probably lay it on thick (maybe some tears) and make them feel horribly guilty and tactless for asking. :P


tPF Bish
Jul 7, 2006
Thanks for the support, everyone!

I know my mother will love my child, whether they came from China or the Czech Republic, and maybe she along with everyone else thinks I'll be missing out on something but I strongly believe I'm not.

And right now, this plan makes sense. I don't know what will happen when I get married.


Oh no she di-int!!
Jun 1, 2006
Adoption is a glorious thing. One of my brothers is adopted...we adopted him when he was all of 5 days old (and I was 5 at the time, I remember the event!) and he is my brother in every way (he's 35 now, BTW!). I don't remember this, but my Mom says *I* was the one who got to see him and hold him and carry him into the room (with the nurse there too), where my folks were waiting to see him for the first time. My Mom will never forget that moment...she still tears up.
Jan 4, 2006
I totally agree with you, the idea of giving birth scares me so much that every time I think about I need to breathe into a paper bag. At the end of the day I think people are just ignorant & I would just ignore them as adopting is such a wonderful thing. Especially if these people don't even know you or your situation.
Apr 16, 2007
Not having a child of your own, but adopting one and loving it the same way as you would your own does not make you any less of a woman - in fact it makes you more of a woman than others who think they can only love their own biological children.
What a beautifully put statement.


Sep 22, 2006
A lot of women really love carrying a child. They simply love being pregnant and cannot imagine that someone else would not want to experience it. I am NOT one of those people, as I found being pregnant to be a miserable experience, but my mother is. My mother still cannot believe I do not look back fondly on carrying my children and she still waxes poetic about being pregnant.

I think it is admirable to adopt, and I think it is wise and wonderful that you have decided on a course that is right for you. Others do not have to understand (although their comments are rude and uncalled for), and it is likely they will love your children as much as they would any biological relation when the time comes.


Trying new things!
Sep 23, 2007
West Coast
Go with what is in your heart. Many children need a loving parent. I don't think it will make you any less of a mother if you adopt. It seems just as special because you have chosen the child. Also, be open to the possibility of a loving partner to share in the process of parenthood.


Sep 29, 2006
The child that you adopt is going to be lucky to have an intelligent and strong mom! There are so many children who could use a good stable home...

That said, I don't think I want children (I'm 23) and people think I'm crazy too. I never want to be pregnant or give birth - it looks like torture to me! As far as I know, I am physically more than capable of becoming pregnant but I just don't want to. If I ever change my mind and decide that I want kids, I think it's pretty likely that I will adopt too. People are always shocked when they hear that I don't want kids. I just don't like being thought of as a "baby machine" just because I'm female. I find it insulting and I hate when people talk about how eventually I'll get a maternal instinct... I feel like I'm being pigeon-holed just because of my gender.

I totally know what you mean when people think you don't "count" if you don't have children. I'm intelligent, will start working at a large NYC law firm next year after I gradudate from law school, have a ton of great friends and am close with my family. But still, some people think the only way my life can be "complete" is if I have some guy's children. Maybe if my boyfriend can find a way to get pregnant I'll consider it....:graucho: