Why can't I be happy?

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  1. Hi,

    First of all I hope that you can forgive a long post in advance!

    My situation is rather a long and exhausting one but here goes, I have a chronic medical condition (which I should recover from and should not prevent me from having children in the future), I am mid 30's and my DH has had to have 1 testicle removed in the past year or so...

    We have been trying to get pregnant for a year now, and matters have become more complicated because I have now been put on medication which rules out be being able to fall pregnant and be placed on a medical trial which would also mean that I would have to not get pregnant for the year after. I found this out last week.

    I am finding all these emotions hard to deal with, I have longed for a child for so long and sometimes it is the only thing that I can focus on to get my through me being unwell.

    To complicate matters, I have a sister who has 2 previous terminations and (who has been very popular with the gents to be polite) who has been with her partner less than a year. She has just announced that she is preganant - her partner has 2 children from a previous marriage and whilst they are nice children, they have been very much forced onto my parents emotionally and financially- my sister has always had a tendency to have to rush everything and she has been telling us all that her relationship is unstable.

    My problem is that I know I should feel happy for her, but I have such terrible guilt, not just because she is pregnant but because the child will be bought into a traumatic environment and she will end up placing putting more strain on my parents. I have tried to talk to my mum about how I feel, but my mum just sees it as me being bitter.

    I am struggling to cope and have seen a Physiatrist, who suggested that I should take myself out of the situation and to stop punishing myself, but my mum sees this as me being harsh and causing a rift in the family.

    I do feel life is unfair and reading the posts on the forum just reinforces that to me - I just don't know what to do for the best and all I think of is that I am such a horrid person.
     
  2. #2 Aug 12, 2008
    Last edited: Aug 12, 2008
    You are not a horrid person. I think your feelings - jealousy and concern for your future niece/nephew are totally normal. It might be best if you just raised your thoughts to your husband and friends since your family isn't very receptive and you don't want to cause any strain.

    Don't be so hard on yourself. Focus on getting healthy and look forward to when you and your husband have kids. Remember there is always adoption if you and your DH can't have your own kids.

    HTH
     
  3. ((((HUGS)))):hugs::hugs:

    You are not a horrid person. Its natural to feel the way that you do. Many of us have seen women that take the blessing of having a child for granted (abuse, neglect, etc.). When you have your baby, you are going to be an amazing mom because of your journey.

    I think you should eliminate negative thoughts and speech regarding your sister even if warranted. Be excited to become a fantastic Aunt! :yahoo:
     
  4. You are NOT a horrid person at all. Your feelings are perfectly natural. I am sorry your mom is not being understanding of the pain you are experiencing. I think you should continue seeing the psychiatrist. Hopefully, you can make peace with yourself.
     
  5. Thank you all so much for your kind words, I will certainly do my best to turn my feelings around, your support is greatly appreciated.
     
  6. What you are feeling is totally normal. I'm so sorry about your struggle. :sad:

    I was the same way (I didn't tell anyone because they would accuse me of being jealous or bitter) because my pregnancies have always been a struggle and I did everything "right."

    I had a co-worker who smoked, did drugs, and drank while pregnant, and another co-worker with two previous abortions that gave birth to perfectly healthy kids. I'm so happy that the kids were safe, and their pregnancies were normal, but a part of me felt like I was being punished for something.

    "Why me?" was something that kept running in my head when my baby was in the hospital, especially seeing him at only 2.5 lbs while the druggie boasted about her healthy 8lb baby.

    What I found that helped me a lot was to start thinking positively about what I did have that I was really thankful for, and what my future would be like with my future babies. Dreaming and forward thinking will help you get through the darkest moments.
     
  7. You are not horrid, that is a lot to deal with. (((HUGS)))