Who are your favorite comedians??

#16
Margaret Cho

This is a very strange time we're living in, ... and I would feel a little bit better if George W. Bush could say the word "nuclear" correctly...You would have thought somebody would have said something by now. At the very least, Condoleezza Rice would have got up in his face, "Foo', it's NU-CLE-AR! Imma have'ta write it down fo'ya! ...I'm makin' flash cards for the President. This is...*shaking her head* mm-mmmm."



I was on a plane, and the steward was coming down the aisle. "Asian chicken salad... Asian chicken salad... Asian chicken salad..." And he gets to me and he's like, "...Chicken salad!" What does he think I'm gonna do? "Dis is not de salad of my people! In my homeland dey use mandarin orange slices ...and crispy wonton crunches!"
 
#17
Bill Engvall
You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say "My Bad!".



...And there's this guy with a coat hanger inside his window... and I could not stop myself... I said, "You lock your keys in your car?"
No, just washed it, gonna hang it up to dry. Here's your sign.



God, she's growing up, and I don't know when it happened, man. I used to buy her Minnie Mouse panties and little Winnie the Pooh underwear. I was helping my wife fold cloths. I picked up a pair of skimpy underwear. I looked at my wife and said: "When you gonna wear these for me?" She goes, "I can't. They're your daughter's." "Aaaaaaahhhhhh! No, No, No!" There was nothing to them! The how-to-wash tag was the biggest piece of cloth on there.



Jeff: If you ever wore a tube top to a funeral home, you might be...
Bill: [Cracks up laughing] Oh my god! I can't believe you just said that!
Jeff: Why, did that happen to you?
Bill: No, I got a better one. If you ever crack open a beer during a eulogy, you might be a redneck.
Jeff: Let me guess, one of your relatives.
Bill: My uncle Jack. We are at the funeral, and we weren't even outside. We were in the church! And the reverend had just finished his eulogy, when we heard, "Psshhh!" And everyone turned to uncle Jack, who was holding a beer, going, "What?"
[cast and audience laugh. Jeff stands up with his cup and walks up to a "casket"]
Jeff: Mama sure looks good, don't she?
[Ron joins him]
Ron White: That ain't Mama.
[Larry joins them]
Larry The Cable Guy: No, that's her. They just shaved her beard off.
[Everyone laughs as Jeff, Ron, and Larry sit back down. Larry suddenly gets back up and walks back to the "casket"]
Larry The Cable Guy: Forgot my beer.




I thought I nearly broke my ribs, 'cause I'm an idiot. Well, what happened is I bought my son a trampoline. Yeah, you see where this is headed? Well, you know the rule: The person who builds it gets to try it first, so my son was at school and I built the trampoline and start to go on it, my wife goes, "Hey, why don't you wait until he comes home?" I said, "Hey, why don't you hush... please?" Hey, I ain't that big an idiot, all right? So, I was jumping on the trampoline, and I was thinking, "Oh I remember this." Started doing seat drops and knee drops and then I got cocky. One thing I learned about a trampoline, if you don't land square, you go up at an angle. And you don't come down at that same angle, you go down at an equal and opposite angle. Yeah, I'm 20 feet in the air and NOW my high school geometry kicks in. I curled into the fetal position, banged against the rail. My wife's laughing so hard, she nearly peed herself. Two important things I learned that day. One, the springs will pull the hair off your legs, and two, the dog doesn't like to jump.





My wife goes, "Bill, you got too much stress," and I said, "I don't got any stress," and she goes, "Bill, you almost got kicked off an airplane!" Good point. Well, what happened was I got on this plane, it's an early morning flight, and they board us and I take out my Game Boy and start playing it while they are still boarding. Yeah, I know, Lord forbid I read a newspaper or Time magazine. I gotta get Scooter to Level 9! But I'm minding my own buisness, playing my Game Boy. All of a sudden, the pilot comes on. He goes, "Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be a little delayed. They didn't put enough gas on the plane." Why would you make that announcement? Make something up! Tell me you ate a piece of bad fish and you got the runs, tell me *something*! Don't tell me we don't got enough gas on the plane. That's like number two on the check list for, "It's OK to takeoff!" Keys, GAS! See, the way the process works in my little brain is that the gas truck pulls up next to the plane, the pilot sticks his head out the window and goes, "Fill 'er up!" Yeah, I get the one pilot in America, "We're going to Vegas, give me 5 bucks, we'll be alright." There's nothing I can do about it, so I just keep playing my Game Boy. All of a sudden the flight addendant walks by and y'all, I might as well've been building a plutonium bomb. She *flips*, and she goes, "Sir, sir! You need to shut that off right now!" I'm 48 years old. Now all of a sudden I'm 6. "Bu-bu-bu... but if I shut it off, then Scooter'll die and I'll have to go back to Level 1!" And then she said it. She said, "Sir, do you know where the on/off switch is?
[Rolls eyes]
Bill Engvall: I said, "Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button." I said, "Yeah, I know where the on/off switch is. Do you know where the gas cap is?" And you know, a body cavity search isn't so bad if you just relax...


 
#18
Jeff Foxworthy
If you have a full set of salad bowls and they all say "cool whip" on the side, you might be a redneck.




If you work without a shirt on and so does your husband, you might be a redneck.



Men, if you have a wife, a girlfriend, or a daughter, you are being trained. And just cause they aren't doing it with a cattle prod does not mean it isn't working. I'll tell you when I first realized I was being trained. I've been married to a wonderful woman for seventeen years; it was about year five when I realized it. We were lying in bed reading, when she just says, "I'm hot." And I closed *my* book. Got out of bed. Went over to the wall, and turned the ceiling fan. I got about halfway back before, whoa!
[bewildered expression on Jeff's face]
I wasn't hot! And I swear to god the next day she called her mother and was like, "Momma, it is working so well! I just had to say it, and he got up and turned the ceiling fan on for me!" And her mother was like, "Baby, I'm so proud of you! I'd put your daddy on the phone so you can tell him, but I just said I'm hungry about twenty minutes ago, and he went into town to get me something to eat!"



Jeff: [during Jeff's "You Might Be a Redneck"] If you have ever ridden an electric floor buffer...
Bill: [raising his hand, embarrassed] All right, wait, wait, WAIT! Tequila was involved, GET OFF ME!
Jeff: [turning to Ron White] I wonder how many times his wife has said that!
[high fives from Ron and Larry the Cable Guy]



I remember when I was a kid, there were two medicines: aspirin and Campho-Phenique, that was it. But they advertise these prescriptions, and half the time, the side effects are 50 times worse than what the thing cures! It's like, "Try new Flor-A-Flor. For itchy, watery eyes, it's Flor-A-Flor. Side effects may include: nausea, vomiting, water weight gain, lower back pain, receding hairline, eczema, seborrhea, psoriasis, itchy chafing clothing, liver spots, blood clots, ringworm, excessive body odor, uneven tire wear, pyorrhea, gonorrhea, diarrhea, halitosis, scoliosis, loss of bladder control, hammertoes, the shanks, low sperm count, warped floors, cluttered drawers, hunchback, heart attack, low resale value on your home, feline leukemia, athlete's foot, head lice, club foot, MS, MD, VD, fleas, anxiety, sleeplessness, drowsiness, poor gas mileage, tooth decay, split ends, parvo, warts, unibrow, lazy eye, fruit flies, chest pains, clogged drains, hemorrhoids, dry heaving, and sexual dysfunction." I'm like, "I'll just have itchy, watery eyes!"



Louisiana has the best food on the planet if you don't really ask too much about what you're eating.



The problem with the designated driver program is it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong damn house, preferably in their boss's front yard... But it's better than the system we used to use: "Hey dude, get up! Give us a ride home, man! C'mon, whaddaya say? We'll buy ya a beer!"
 
#19
Larry the Cable Guy
That's funny, I don't care who you are, that's funny right there. If you don't think that's funny, you get the hell outta here.



Larry The Cable Guy: My grandma, is uh, covered in moles.
[cast and audience crack up]
Larry The Cable Guy: No. My grandma, just re'nly passed away. Hundred and four years old. S'right, but they saved the baby.
Bill: I don't think he's kidding!
[Jeff and Ron also shake their heads]
Larry The Cable Guy: No, my grandma just recently passed away. Hundred and four years old. So, I go up there to the flow'r feller, to get a card, and some flow'rs.
Jeff: Wait, wait. You bought a card, for your dead grandmother?
Larry The Cable Guy: They had 'em there.
Jeff: I know I'm going to regret this. What did it say?
Larry The Cable Guy: [laughing] Get well soon!
[Audience cheers]
Larry The Cable Guy: Anyway, I go to the flow'r feller, and get her flow'rs, and a card. And he asks me what this is for. And I tell him my grandma just passed away, hundred and four years old. And he says, "Ooh, a hundred and four? How'd she die?" How'd she die; she's a hundred and four! She wrecked her Harley up there at BikeWeek! Here's your sign!



Larry The Cable Guy: Hey, tell 'em about the one you did over at the whatcha-callit.
Jeff: [pause] Yeah, Bill. Tell 'em about the one you did over at the whatcha-callit.
Ron White: He just ended a sentence in nine prepositions.
Jeff: He a over-achiever.
Larry The Cable Guy: I don't know about all that, but...



You know what they got now? Edible undershorts? Whose idea was that? "What do you wanna do tonight, baby?" "Let me eat your undershorts." HEY BABY, PUT A COUPLE OF THOSE IN THE FRIDGE, I-MA MAKE ME A SAMMICH LATER!"



Jeff Foxworthy: [to Larry, after Larry picks at his guitar] How old are you?
Larry The Cable Guy: Old enough to learn how to play this song.
Bill Engvall: Wait, when is your birthday? Larry The Cable Guy: February 17th.
Jeff Foxworthy: No, what year is your birthday?
Larry The Cable Guy: ...Every year.
Bill Engvall: [to Jeff] You asked.


 
#21
RON WHITE:

Ron White: Someone stole the radio out of my van last time I was here. Thank you whoever you are.
[pause]
Ron White: I spent the entire drive home listening to the sounds of the wind for 49 hours.
[snaps his fingers, bobbing his head to an imaginary melody]
Ron White: So, I went to the insurance agency to report my claim and they asked me what kind of radio it was, and I had to idea, but the guy told me, "Mr White, if you tell us what kind of radio it was we'll know how much to write the check for." Oh?
[smirks]
Ron White: So I wrote down some big, expensive brand and he knew I was lying.
Police Officer: Mr. White, I dont think Rolex makes car radios...
Ron White: It was a ... um.. CLOCK radio
 
#22
RON WHITE:

Ron White: There was a guy, down in Florida, who said that the age of 53 years old he was in good enough physical condition to withstand the wind, rain, and hail of a force-5 hurricane. Now, lemme explain somethin' to ya: It isn't *that* the wind is blowin'. It's *what* the wind is blowin'. If you get hit by a *Volvo*, it don't matter how many sit-ups you did that mornin'.
 
#23
RON WHITE:
Yesterday I was sitting on a beanbag chair, naked, eating Cheetos and I was flipping through the televison and I saw Robert Tilton. He's a televangelist out of Dallas, and he was staring at me. He looked at me and said, "Are you lonely?" Yeah. "Have you spent half your life in bars, pursuing sins of the flesh?" ...This guy's good! "Are you sitting in a beanbag chair, naked, eating Cheetos?" ...Yes, sir! "Do you have the urge to get up and send me a thousand dollars?" Close! I thought he was talking about me there for a second! Apparently I'm not the only cat on the block that digs Cheetos.




Some friends of mine asked me if I wanted to go to a strip club, and I didn't... want to go. 'Cause -- back me up on this, fellas -- once you've seen one woman naked, you... pretty much wanna see the rest of 'em naked. It can be an old biker chick, you know they're gonna hang down to here. "Wanna see my titties!?" "Yeah, I do!" [Ron cringes.] All right that's enough, roll 'em back up sweetheart! [Ron imitates the biker chick rolling her titties back up and sealing them in place.] The things that make you go.... [shudders]




You know, one of the most asked questions I get on my website, tatersalad.com, is "How come you aren't more involved in Blue Collar Television?" You know, that's the show Jeff, Larry, and Bill do... and I'll tell you why. It's because of my work ethic. My grandfather once said "That boy's got a lot of quittin' in him", and that's true. Hell, the things I didn't quit, I got kicked out of. I got kicked off the high school debate team for saying "Yeah?! Well, f:cursing: ck you!!" I thought I had won. The other kid was speechless. I thought that was what we were tryin' to do.






I told him, "We're all gay, man. It's just to what extent are you gay." He says, "That's bullsh:cursing:t man, I ain't gay at all!" I said, "Yes you are and I'll prove it." He says, "Fine, prove it." I said to him, "All right. Do you like porn?" He says, "Yeah, I love porn, you know that." I said, "Do you only watch two women doing it?" He said, "Naw, I'll watch a man and a woman make love." I said, "Oh, do you want the guy to have a tiny, half-flaccid penis?" He said, "Naw, man, I like big, hard, throbbing co... I did not know that about myself..."
 
#25
Christopher Titus
[about his mother, who is a diagnosed manic-depressive schizophrenic]
If it wasn't for her, in four states, it would still be legal to kill a man with a cappuccino machine.



The Los Angeles Times states that sixty-three percent of American families are now considered dysfunctional. Good. 'Cause that means when Armageddon *really* happens, thirty-seven percent of this population is going to *lose their minds*. "Oh my God, the world is over!" Us sixty-three percent? We're going to go, "Hey... there's no one watching the Lexus dealership!"




My girlfriend and me had a fight on Christmas while watching Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer which ended with me calling the cops! That earns *me* a WHITE TRASH BLACK BELT!



When it comes to drinking and driving my dad is Obi Wan Kenobi. He busted me once for drinking and driving. I woke up, 6 a.m. Saturday morning about 2 months into my senior year. Just hung over, just hammered. I wake up to my father standing over me, wearing a robe, holding a beer.
[pantomimes opening a beer can] HEY! Why don't you get up and explain to my why the car's parked at such an odd angle... on the porch... across the street.



My mom is insane. And I don't mean "My mom is insane!" I mean, "We the jury find the defendant..." She was diagnosed a manic depressive schizophrenic, and admitted to a mental care facility. Or as dad so eloquently put it, "She's shacked up in the whacko basket!"



My father? A hard drinking man from the 70's. We actually have no pictures of my dad where he is *not* holding a beer. Weddings, Funerals, Water Skiing, Parent-Teacher Conference. When I got sick around him as a kid growing up, he'd always warm me up a shot of 100 proof whiskey. Never got sick... that I can remember.
 
#26
Eddie Murphy
[Eddie takes the plane south, looking for racism] ... he said "Is this your bag?" I said "Yeah, that's my f:cursing: cking bag! Why, motherf:cursing: cker? A black man can't have a suitcase?"


I love when he does jokes about his father when he's drunk!
 
#27
Dane Cook
Then get this, right, I'm driving along, man, I'm driving, and as I'm driving, I'm driving safely. I'm obeying all the rules of the road. Whatever sign comes at me, I look at it and I go, "Okay. You got it, sign." Right, so I'm driving safely. All of a sudden, a guy in another lane-completely oblivious to me- he starts coming into my lane, just comin' IN!! And if I didn't see him comin' in, accident! But because I saw him, uhhh, I see--"HEY!" Right? I see- I assess the situation. I see- I assess the situa-shon. And then I eased on the brakes, as he's coming, I eased, and I said what anybody here says automatically when this is happening, you can't help it. It just comes out. Ready? Ready? "Umm, helllllo? Um, hi? Hello?" Unless you're black, then it's "Check out this motha-f:cursing: cka! Check out this motha-F:cursing: CKA!!"



Who gets killed by bees? Anytime they come on the news and say "Um, yeah, a man was killed in Austin by bees." I just ****ing laugh. How do you get killed by bees? If you're walking through the woods right and you come near a bush and you hear 'bbbbzzzbbzz' just you know... just run away from that bush. Who's going by that bush going, "Hey is that bees? Hold on on second, ohhh jeez!" Dude, f:cursing: ck that. I would punch every bee in the face! Bees are not taking me out. I be like "Oh yeah? F:cursing: ck you bee! Come on! Yah bzzz. Where's the next bee at?" It's a f:cursing: ckin' bee. I could understand killer horses... that's scary sh:cursing: t... flying through the air and kicking you in the face. That's scary. F:cursing: CK bees. F:cursing: CK bees
 
#28
Dane Cook
No one wants to drown. drowning would be the worst, 'cause everyone knows that feeling. That feeling that you get, Oh it’s the worst. When you think you're drowning. like during the summer, You're like at a pool party or something. "I'm gonna go into the deep end. Watch my dive. Watch my dive."Right, then you dive in. *SPLASH* And the second you get to the bottom your like, "GET ME OUTTA HEEEERE!! WHERES THE SURFACE?!!"And you always come up under the kid on the raft. "UOAHHH!! Jesus Christ Timmy! Do not float above me when I'm Dying in the Abyss! Your son almost killed me with his, Uhhhh, Daffy Duck raft over here John. Your son tried to murder me in your pool. Float away for me. Float away."



Did sharks like get together and go, "Let's start attacking people." A guy in the news, again, the other day. A couple days ago, he got bit by a shark. The shark let him go. He was telling the story, they brought him back to the beach. Which is just where he wants to f:cursing: cking be, anywhere near the ocean again. And the news reporter was like, "What happened? Why did the shark attack you? Were you taunting it?" "Yeah, I go in the sea sometimes just to f:cursing: ck around with the sharks. I have this thing called a Shark Rocket and I shoot it at them. And it really annoys them. And then I just wade there in the water and they come at me. But I'm really good at eluding them. I know this hip move, it's something porpoises do and I then I pretend that I have a bottleneck and I stab them in the gills. And it really is effective..." "How did you get away?" "I just punched it and it let me go." Let's recap this. A f:cursing: ckin' shark come through the water... right and this guy... Hey! The f:cursing: ckin' shark goes over to this guy... bites, this guy punches it in the face and a shark goes ALRIGHT!



I saw this on CNN a few days ago. In Arizona these cops freaked out. They shot at this guy like 15 times 'cause they said they thought he had a grenade. He was eating a pear! How do you f:cursing:ck that up? Unless he was eating it like "AHHHHHH!" *throws pear* "THAT'S A DELICIOUS PEAR!!!"



On the wall someone always has to write, "Mike was here" but someone draws an arrow and writes "Mike is a ******." Like Mike is coming back to check it out. "What the f:cursing:ck is THIS? I was here but not as a ******! I'm trying to make a statement here!"



I HATE it when somebody turns around in my driveway. You're just sitting comfortably watching T.V., you hear a car pulling up like "Who is this?!" It's so disruptive you look out, strange car, you dont know if it's a government official. You start getting concerned "What I dont know this car," then they turn to leave you're like "You son of a *****, you wasted moments of my life! Moments i will never get back!"



"Heeeellllllllloooooooo? I'm a caaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrr!, Gas-o-line-makes-me-run, Baaaaackseat, Truuuuunk space, Heeeellllllllloooooooo!, Let's go for a riiiiiiide!, oil-is-my-blood, seeeeeat belts, radiooooo knobs." I don't care if you laughed at that or not, the next time you hear that ****, you're gonna be like, "Hahahaha. That Dane Cook is a silly *****!"



How pumped would you be driving home from work knowing that, somewhere in your place, there's a monkey you're gonna battle?! That's awesome!
"Monkey? You here?" "I'm in the closet!" "Holy crap, you just talked!" "I taught myself to talk!" "This is incredibly odd!" "I know! Let's fight!"
 
#29
Dane Cook
See, my brain is so fantastical, that I follow the exaggeration, like, "Omigosh, Dane, I went home and there was a fire, and there was like a thousand firemen out there." NO THERE WAS NOT" That's way too many firemen! They'd all be out there bumping into each other, "What the **** are we doing out here guys!? There's like a thousand of us, WHO CALLED A THOUSAND OF US?! Is anyone on the hoses?! I belive there is a thousand of us, if I were to guesstimate"



I got home from work today and took like a Hundred Hour Nap..." "... NO YOU DID NOT..You'd be very sick if you were taking hundred hour naps. That's a coma, say you took a coma after work and I can follow the story! I took a coma, hundred hours, was it about a hundred hours, that's a great coma, that's a good coma.



Women make the craziest reasons to stay. "Why don't you just go Jill? Just go; he's a jerkoff." "I can't just go, Kim. It's not that simple. My CDs are in his truck. I can't just walk away from 40-50 CDs. It'll take 2 or 3 more years of abuse. Before I can leave. With my CD's."



I'm going to put my foot down, I'm going to make a stand right now, I'm going to say this, Watermelon is the only good flavor of Jolly Rancher Candies. I will say that. Thank you for agreeing with me. If you say sour apple I will stab you in the jaw. Sour Apple sucks. If you believe that sour apple is good you meet me in the lobby after the show, I'll be the guy stabbing jaws, there's not too many of us out there, just look for the guy stabbing jaws. That's me. Come up to say hello and I will stab you in the jaw.



(About saying stupid things during sex) My d:cursing:ck feels like corn! It sounded good at the time, right? And she didn't even miss a beat, she was like "Give me the butter baby! Come on Orville Redenbacher, pop that p:cursing:ssy."
 
#30
Dane Cook
They should have someone at the DMV hiding behind the door, and right when you walk in he punches you in the face. Then you're like "ow! well i guess the waiting in line isn't so bad after the punch in the face. Ah, he punched me in the face."
 
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