Workplace Where to go from here?

Aug 14, 2006
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I need some advice...

I'm sure some of you have been following my work dramas and might have seen my most recent post about finally leaving my job. During my leave from work (it ended up being 5 weeks), I started to finally feel like myself again. I was able to sleep, I got my appetite and energy back, I was happy and my mental health improved drastically. Every day while I was off was spent doing whatever I felt like doing that day, some days I slept in and just relaxed all day, other days I got up early, went to a workout class and reorganized the house, I reconnected with people I haven't seen in a long time and for the first time in years, I felt like my old self, my true self, and not the unhappy shell of a person that I had become over the past few years. The freedom was like nothing I have ever experienced before and it was incredibly refreshing! I did a lot of personal reflection and I realized just how unhappy and unhealthy I was during the past 3 or so years, it actually scared me to realize how much time I have wasted feeling that way. I also spent a lot of time focusing on what had made me so unhappy and it was no major shock to me that my work is 90% of the problem. However, all this time I have been blaming HR for it and I realized that it's a lot deeper than that, it's not just HR that I dislike but rather the whole office environment side of it.

Anyway, just before I left my previous job I was contacted by a past coworker about a position at their company and how she thought I would be perfect for it. I met her for coffee and the next thing I know I received an offer. She wanted me to start right away but I knew I needed some time off so I was able to negotiate a later start date, which enabled me to have 5 weeks off. I didn't think too much about it, the basics of the role are great - pay is good, it's close to home, and the hours are close to what I had before. The way I looked at it was I could take this job and have some time off without stressing about finding work so it was a win win situation. The position is still HR but not as senior as the one I held before (which is a good thing). As much as I enjoyed my time off, I felt pressure to get back to work ASAP so I kind of saw this as meant to be. I also was very aware that as much as I enjoyed not working, that's not real life and I had to get back to work sometime.

I started that new job on Monday and now I'm 4 days in and I'm not happy. I'm back to sleeping 1-2 hours per night, my headaches and stomach pains are back, I have had panic attacks multiple times per day, I have no appetite, I feel tense and angry, I'm snappy, and I've cried more over the past few days than I care to mention. I feel like the break never happened and I kind of wish it didn't so that I wouldn't know what happy feels like. I feel as though my career has been nothing but a huge mistake. I know that I *need* to do something different, I feel as though office work is killing me, every day I feel myself deflate as I walk into the building and even just sitting in the office I feel as though the four walls are closing in on me. I have been doing office work (mostly HR) for the past 15 years since I was 18 years old. I never went to full time school and I haven't even experienced any other jobs other than this. I went straight from high school graduation to an office.

My issue now is I don't know where to start. I know I have to do something else, I feel like I will spend the rest of my life seriously unhappy if I don't, but I don't know what to do or where to start. Last night I made a list of things that I would love to apply to a career, but I don't know where to go from there.

Passions: beauty, fashion, interior design, writing
Interests from previous jobs: project management, writing
Skills: project management, organization, writing, analysis
Needs: flexibility, freedom to design my day/work, change, opportunities to improve, and opportunities to share knowledge/skills/experience

Anyone have any ideas where I can start looking to try to find something that would fir for me? I'm willing to go back to school or do anything to get to a place where I feel happy again.
 
You’re having a midlife crisis and yes, you’re young but you are not alone: http://www.oprah.com/sp/new-midlife-crisis.html

The first thing you need to do is to calm down and sleep through the night. Go to your doctor, get some anti anxiety meds and some sleeping pills. This is a short term solution but it will give you the breathing space you need to figure out your next move.

Changing career paths is extremely difficult. Finding a job at a company that will pay for your education to move in a less linear way? That you can do much more easily.

The fact is, with only a high school education, the types of roles open to you are limited. You may well experience these frustrations in fashion or beauty.

Look at job descriptions for jobs you’re interested in on Indeed, LinkedIn and Monster and get a sense of what skills, education and experience they’re looking for.

From there you can start planning.

Good luck to you!
 
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You’re having a midlife crisis and yes, you’re young but you are not alone: http://www.oprah.com/sp/new-midlife-crisis.html

The first thing you need to do is to calm down and sleep through the night. Go to your doctor, get some anti anxiety meds and some sleeping pills. This is a short term solution but it will give you the breathing space you need to figure out your next move.

Changing career paths is extremely difficult. Finding a job at a company that will pay for your education to move in a less linear way? That you can do much more easily.

The fact is, with only a high school education, the types of roles open to you are limited. You may well experience these frustrations in fashion or beauty.

Look at job descriptions for jobs you’re interested in on Indeed, LinkedIn and Monster and get a sense of what skills, education and experience they’re looking for.

From there you can start planning.

Good luck to you!

Sorry, I should have given more info. I went to school while working. I have a degree in Business Administration, my HR designation, 2 HR related certifications (payroll and recruiting), an interior design certificate, and a makeup artistry diploma.
 
Sorry, I should have given more info. I went to school while working. I have a degree in Business Administration, my HR designation, 2 HR related certifications (payroll and recruiting), an interior design certificate, and a makeup artistry diploma.

That explains why you’re burnt out; thanks for adding that information.

Is there anything you like about what you’re doing in your new job?
What is it that you don’t like? The work? The people? The crushing grind of the not really 9-5 office environment?

Have you done any side work in interior design or with your makeup artistry diploma? If so, how did they make you feel?

If you liked it, can you apprentice while working as an office manager with light HR for an interior design firm or beauty company? I’m thinking of Elizabeth Arden spas or Bliss Spas in this context.

And now I’m going to drop the wisdom of someone who’s been where you are, who used to wish I’d wake up sick so I wouldn’t have to go in to a job I hated... Ever wonder how the people around you don’t seem to care? How they complain and whine but leave the problems in the office and go on to have fun after work and on weekends while you’re in bed just recovering? It comes from realizing that work is a means to an end, not the end-all be all. I’m a perfectionist and it takes supreme effort to turn that off, realize that good enough or even sometimes someone else’s definition of good enough is just fine. Where all around you is drama, your name is Bennett and you’re not in it. Nod, make sympathetic noises and above all, do not make other people’s problems yours. Learn to leave it at the office and go off and find the fun, whether that’s doing someone’s wedding makeup or organizing someone’s closet for bag money on weekends. If you can build up a big enough following, you can tell your current boss adios.

Does any of this help? Do you want to actually talk? If so, PM me and I’ll give you my number. My heart hurts for you.
 
Really good advice, restricter. My son had his epiphany in college and after he graduated. He saw high school friends who saw money as their goal and their major and entry jobs were designed to lead to making money, they didn’t put themselves into the career so much as they simply valued the salary. My son, OTOH, could only go into a field he was passionate about, sometimes at low pay but he’s doing quite well now (in his 40’s). He majored in History, then earned a Master’s degree in History. He loves what he does.

absolutpink, I have followed your journey. It sounds like you simply can’t thrive in HR, but your skills can apply to the things you love. You’ll take a hit in pay for awhile but for the sake of your health, you may need to look into less structured careers. Or, as restricter said, learn to compartmentalizations and work just hard enough to keep your sanity and leave the office at the office. Utilize your creative skills as an avocation or very PT job.

You have my best wishes for some serenity in your life.
 
I think the first thing you should do is quit your job. I mean you're lucky enough to figure out what exactly makes you miserable and the next thing you do is put yourself in that situation. Quit...so you can think clearly about what your options are.

Then I suggest you contact everyone in your network and tell them you're looking to do something completely different. People may surprise you and have connections that will give you an opportunity. In the meantime, how about volunteering?
 
I changed careers a few times, occasionally taking a step back before taking a step forward. What better risk to take than the risk you take on yourself. I think its important, when your body and mental health are telling you something, listen. Don't just band-aid, but find the root cause of your discontent. It sounds like you know you're ready for something new. Given you clearly aren't afraid of working hard, you worked while going to school, why not take more meaningful time to invest in yourself, discovering what kind of work and personal accomplishments will make you happy? Its customary to take a gap year when young, why not when we're old enough to have some life perspective? I don't know what region you're in, but the job market has never been more fruitful for skilled workers, especially women. The HR arena is filled with opportunities and tools that didn't exist 10 years ago. Think about all the new #metoo related policy and procedure revisions, workforce training, overall automation.... Is there a more innovative way to use your skills, that incorporate some of your passions and interests? Recruiting Management for beauty professionals, for example? The autonomous and non traditional economy gives you the option of applying your skill-set in a corporate or non-traditional setting, why not explore if there are ways to remain in HR, but work from home, so you can incorporate some of the life quality enhancements you benefit? If not HR, reach out to subject matter experts that might be willing to mentor or guide you towards new career objectives. Depending on where you are, there may be non-profits who work exclusively with women (lean-in?) seeking next level career advice. Use your school career placement office. When ready, you'll make a path for yourself, even if one doesn't immediately exist. You did before, right?
 
I once felt the exact same way you did. About 4-5 years ago now. I'm now reasonably content in my job. I never changed positions or companies, just my mindset. I consciously made the decision to treat work as my means to an end. A way to earn money and appreciate my real life. Of course it helps I like the people I work with, I'm paid very well, and the anti-anxiety meds did wonders!

Having said all that, if I wasn't the main breadwinner and didn't have to worry about money I would absolutely change careers to something I'm passionate about.

Do you need to work? Can you take a year long sabbatical?
 
Maybe try to use your interior design or makeup diplomas for something? You don't want to be in an office and those fit that criteria. You could even try staging for real estate. It sounds like maybe doing a more creative job might help.
 

Thank you all for the responses, I appreciate them more than you know! I will be replying one by one throughout the day :smile:

After doing even more self reflection, I have realized that there are two things that I'm finding that are really getting to me - the routine and monotony, and I feel as though I can't be myself at work.

I was able to think of my job as a means to an end for a long time, I have never been happy in this environment but I was able to flex my mindset to think of it as just a way to make a living, and just as you all suggested, I was actually happy when I able to think that way. Then, about 3 1/2 years ago that my frame of mind flipped and I couldn't get back to where I was before, all of a sudden I started to feel incredibly trapped and panicked. This is of course when the anxiety, panic attacks and depression kicked in. That was about 2 years after my work demands and schedule started to increase due to changes in the economy and basically just being in a higher up position.

My schedule Monday through Friday is I get up at 5:15am and leave the house at 6:30am (work at 7:30am). I work until around 5-5:30pm and get home between 6-6:30pm. When I get home I take care of the pets, take the dog for a walk, clean up the house/random chores, get things ready for the next day, get dinner ready, have dinner, and then by the time we're done dinner I'm completed exhausted so usually just end up crashing. My husband works Mon-Sat 8am-7pm(ish) and one late night per week when he gets home around 10pm, his job is demanding so I take on 99% of the household responsibilities and I don't see this changing. Saturday is usually spent getting things done that I wasn't able to do during the week. This past Saturday I had to get up at 7am for an appointment and then I had errands to run and I didn't get home until almost 5pm.

I know that I don't do anything special or unusual and most people live this way (and busier, especially with kids! You people are my heroes, by the way!), so I feel like I should just suck it up, but I'm so tired of the lack of work/life balance. I love exercise but I'm lucky to have enough time/energy to work out once a week, I rarely have time for friends/family, breakfast and lunch are always on the go, I feel as though I'm just always so short on both time and energy that I never do anything that brings any kind of enjoyment to me. The one part of my day that I do enjoy is taking the dog for a walk, and I know it would save me some time if I paid someone to do it (we have someone let him out during the day), but I really don't want to give that up. I have worked in many different companies and industries and I haven't been able to find anything with any kind of flexibility to it, lunches are usually 30 mins so not enough time to really get things done or go to the gym and I haven't been able to shorten my workday no matter how hard I have tried. Vacation is always 3 weeks per year (which I usually use up for 1 week at Christmas, 1 summer vacation and 1 winter vacation), no flex days so it's just the same thing week after week.

I have never been good with routine, I get bored quickly and constantly crave change and I think after years of the same thing I've hit a "is this it?!" stage of life. I'm really struggling to see myself doing this for 25+ more years.
In addition, I'm surrounded with people who love their jobs, and while getting ready for bed last night I realized I don't have any close friends or family who work in the same kind of environment that I do, or who are not completely passionate about what they do. I feel so alone.

As for feeling like I can't be myself, that's a whole other situation. I know everyone has a work personality but mine feels like an entirely different person. HR is all about rules and policies and even though there is a an attempt at being more of a strategic business partner, at the end of the day - HR is HR. No matter the industry, I have always felt like an outsider. I'm so sick of not fitting in! I want to be able to be myself, and feel like myself!

Do I really need a huge change or am I just burnt out? I just don't know.
 
I wrote up that long reply in the Starbucks drive thru this morning and now I'm posting from my phone on my very quick lunch break, so please ignore any mistakes!


That explains why you’re burnt out; thanks for adding that information.


Is there anything you like about what you’re doing in your new job?

What is it that you don’t like? The work? The people? The crushing grind of the not really 9-5 office environment?


Have you done any side work in interior design or with your makeup artistry diploma? If so, how did they make you feel?


If you liked it, can you apprentice while working as an office manager with light HR for an interior design firm or beauty company? I’m thinking of Elizabeth Arden spas or Bliss Spas in this context.


And now I’m going to drop the wisdom of someone who’s been where you are, who used to wish I’d wake up sick so I wouldn’t have to go in to a job I hated... Ever wonder how the people around you don’t seem to care? How they complain and whine but leave the problems in the office and go on to have fun after work and on weekends while you’re in bed just recovering? It comes from realizing that work is a means to an end, not the end-all be all. I’m a perfectionist and it takes supreme effort to turn that off, realize that good enough or even sometimes someone else’s definition of good enough is just fine. Where all around you is drama, your name is Bennett and you’re not in it. Nod, make sympathetic noises and above all, do not make other people’s problems yours. Learn to leave it at the office and go off and find the fun, whether that’s doing someone’s wedding makeup or organizing someone’s closet for bag money on weekends. If you can build up a big enough following, you can tell your current boss adios.


Does any of this help? Do you want to actually talk? If so, PM me and I’ll give you my number. My heart hurts for you.


It did help, thank you so much! And thank you for the offer of chatting, I may have to take you up on that one day :smile: The last paragraph was so meaningful and I'm going to try to apply that while I figure out what I am going to do.


The major thing I don't like is the environment, I find the whole office work thing so suffocating (see previous reply posted) and I've struggled with it since the beginning. I could handle the work and people if I didn't feel so stifled by the rules and restricts and hours.


I actually have not done any side work with either diploma. I tried to get a PT job in makeup but I ran up against the dreaded no experience situation and I was pretty restricted with hours. I have had a mortgage since I was 19 so when I got the diploma I wasn't in a place financially where I could run the risk of taking a much lower paying job.


I did do some apprentice esthetician work during high school and loved that!


Interior design I have done nothing. I completed my diploma two years ago during a major crash in the economy and there has been zero opportunities, I tried advertising services to work for myself but I got nowhere and I struggled to find the time to really commit to it. The economy still hasn't picked up.


Really good advice, restricter. My son had his epiphany in college and after he graduated. He saw high school friends who saw money as their goal and their major and entry jobs were designed to lead to making money, they didn’t put themselves into the career so much as they simply valued the salary. My son, OTOH, could only go into a field he was passionate about, sometimes at low pay but he’s doing quite well now (in his 40’s). He majored in History, then earned a Master’s degree in History. He loves what he does.


absolutpink, I have followed your journey. It sounds like you simply can’t thrive in HR, but your skills can apply to the things you love. You’ll take a hit in pay for awhile but for the sake of your health, you may need to look into less structured careers. Or, as restricter said, learn to compartmentalizations and work just hard enough to keep your sanity and leave the office at the office. Utilize your creative skills as an avocation or very PT job.


You have my best wishes for some serenity in your life.


That's so great for your son! My sister was "supposed" to go to law school but her heart was in teaching young children so that's what she did and she couldn't be happier.


You have made some good points! I think less structure is what I need, or PT. I'm more than willing for the pay hit, I have taken a few over the years just to try out a different industry (still HR, so still unhappy though), I just need to figure out to get someone to hire me! I've been applying for mall jobs just to get something different and I can't even get a response!


I think the first thing you should do is quit your job. I mean you're lucky enough to figure out what exactly makes you miserable and the next thing you do is put yourself in that situation. Quit...so you can think clearly about what your options are.


Then I suggest you contact everyone in your network and tell them you're looking to do something completely different. People may surprise you and have connections that will give you an opportunity. In the meantime, how about volunteering?


Outwardly, I'm a very confident person, but on the inside I'm incredibly shy and for some reason, reaching out to networks is just something I have never been able to do! It's a great idea though and maybe I should just try, it can't hurt.


I changed careers a few times, occasionally taking a step back before taking a step forward. What better risk to take than the risk you take on yourself. I think its important, when your body and mental health are telling you something, listen. Don't just band-aid, but find the root cause of your discontent. It sounds like you know you're ready for something new. Given you clearly aren't afraid of working hard, you worked while going to school, why not take more meaningful time to invest in yourself, discovering what kind of work and personal accomplishments will make you happy? Its customary to take a gap year when young, why not when we're old enough to have some life perspective? I don't know what region you're in, but the job market has never been more fruitful for skilled workers, especially women. The HR arena is filled with opportunities and tools that didn't exist 10 years ago. Think about all the new #metoo related policy and procedure revisions, workforce training, overall automation.... Is there a more innovative way to use your skills, that incorporate some of your passions and interests? Recruiting Management for beauty professionals, for example? The autonomous and non traditional economy gives you the option of applying your skill-set in a corporate or non-traditional setting, why not explore if there are ways to remain in HR, but work from home, so you can incorporate some of the life quality enhancements you benefit? If not HR, reach out to subject matter experts that might be willing to mentor or guide you towards new career objectives. Depending on where you are, there may be non-profits who work exclusively with women (lean-in?) seeking next level career advice. Use your school career placement office. When ready, you'll make a path for yourself, even if one doesn't immediately exist. You did before, right?


I love the way you are thinking, and it's given me a little bit of hope that there could be something different. There aren't too many "fun" companies in this city, it's a struggling oil town, and the work world here is still very traditional, but that doesn't mean I can't keep looking for something different. I'm going to take your suggestion to start looking outside the box to find something different but that can also utilize the skills I have.


I did apply for a recruiter position with my local Sephora (we have 4 stores), but they said I was 1) too experienced, 2) too mature, which the HR person inside me just died at, and 3) have no retail experience. Ugh.
 
I once felt the exact same way you did. About 4-5 years ago now. I'm now reasonably content in my job. I never changed positions or companies, just my mindset. I consciously made the decision to treat work as my means to an end. A way to earn money and appreciate my real life. Of course it helps I like the people I work with, I'm paid very well, and the anti-anxiety meds did wonders!


Having said all that, if I wasn't the main breadwinner and didn't have to worry about money I would absolutely change careers to something I'm passionate about.


Do you need to work? Can you take a year long sabbatical?


I was able to keep my mindset as a means to an end for so long and then it shifted, and I was much happier when I could think of that way. Do you ever get bogged down with your career choices? If so, how do you back back to the positive state?


I'm not the main breadwinner and I probably could take a long sabbatical - my only issue there is I've been very independent and earning a decent income for a long time, and I'm scared of what I would have to give up. Not sure if that makes sense.


I'm taking meds for the anxiety/panic/depression and they are helping, yet I'm still in this situation!


Maybe try to use your interior design or makeup diplomas for something? You don't want to be in an office and those fit that criteria. You could even try staging for real estate. It sounds like maybe doing a more creative job might help.


I think you're right. As cliche as it sounds, I keep thinking about to when I was a child and what I wanted to be when I grow up and everything was more on the creative side. The diplomas were to fulfill a need to learn something creative so maybe it's time to look into doing something with them?! Staging is a great idea, thank you :smile:
 
Passions: beauty, fashion, interior design, writing
Interests from previous jobs: project management, writing
Skills: project management, organization, writing, analysis
Needs: flexibility, freedom to design my day/work, change, opportunities to improve, and opportunities to share knowledge/skills/experience

i don't know what's your definition of interior design.
there're two ways to get into it...one is being an interior designer and one is being a decorator.
interior designer: i think you need some schooling to do it, you need to understand the industry standard and how things are done.
same applies to decorator but less formal...but you need to have good eyes/tastes that match the client's tastes, think Architectural Digest which is very popular among decorators.
i am not going to lie, in design industry, it's very cut throat because everyone single one of the designers' ego is as big as this continent, and the insecurity they carry around. it's one industry that you need to have very thick skin...take criticisms and able to not blow up or cry.
if you do residential projects...well, they call you when they're free which is not 9-5....
regardless what kind of design, it just LOOKS very glamorous on the outside, it's a lot of hours of work keep doing the same thing over and over. and the pay...can you start from less than 60K a year?? 60K is high for entry level....
BUT if you have some very very good connections...that's a whole different ball game.
i recalled that woman in one of those real housewives, she's an interior designer....because she got some really good connections that she didn't need to prove herself. but professionally speaking, she was a decorator, big difference.
 
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i don't know what's your definition of interior design.
there're two ways to get into it...one is being an interior designer and one is being a decorator.
interior designer: i think you need some schooling to do it, you need to understand the industry standard and how things are done.
same applies to decorator but less formal...but you need to have good eyes/tastes that match the client's tastes, think Architectural Digest which is very popular among decorators.
i am not going to lie, in design industry, it's very cut throat because everyone single one of the designers' ego is as big as this continent, and the insecurity they carry around. it's one industry that you need to have very thick skin...take criticisms and able to not blow up or cry.
if you do residential projects...well, they call you when they're free which is not 9-5....
regardless what kind of design, it just LOOKS very glamorous on the outside, it's a lot of hours of work keep doing the same thing over and over. and the pay...can you start from less than 60K a year?? 60K is high for entry level....
BUT if you have some very very good connections...that's a whole different ball game.
i recalled that woman in one of those real housewives, she's an interior designer....because she got some really good connections that she didn't need to prove herself. but professionally speaking, she was a decorator, big difference.

Years ago when the economy was good, my ex and I flipped a few properties. Some just needed staging and some needed some work. I would design the look for the property and he was in trades so he would do the work. I really, really enjoyed it! The real estate market is not in a good place anymore here so I can't get back into that, but it was a lot of fun back then. In addition, I have only ever lived in brand new places myself and I always looked forward to meetings with the builder to go through the specs and then the actual design of the house. Then of course getting to decorate it was always enjoyable. I have helped many friends/family members with decorating their homes and helped them out when they were building to determine the actual design of the houses. Like I said, it's just an interest so it might not be the best career path, I think I just enjoy the creative aspect of it.
 
For a small update to my situation, I have hired a life and career coach. I had a meeting with her this week where we went through a bunch of personality assessments, and my actual coaching starts next week. She was a counselor prior to getting into coaching so I'm interested to see what comes out of this!

If anyone is interested, the results of the personality assessments were kind of fascinating! I was right in the middle of just about everything and came out as a strong ambivert, which I didn't expect at all! I always thought I was a very strong introvert, but my coach suggested that maybe certain situations have made me feel like I need to behave more introverted, which is why I could be feeling so unhappy lately.