What to do? long post

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  1. Hi everyone,
    I only post occasionally but read regularly and I need some advice. DH and I have an amazing son who is almost 2. We both work full time, he is self employed and I am an elementary school teacher. I went back to work part time when DS was 7 months old and then full time when he was 15 months old. I have a great child care arrangement which I am thrilled with so all is well.
    Except, DH and I are thinking of expanding our family, hopefully with me being pregnant sometime in the fall. I have a busy summer planned, continuing my coursework, getting Nationally Board Certified next year and getting a gifted teaching endorsement(sorry for the teacher lingo). My parents were planning on moving out to AZ (where we live) sometime this summer and I was thrilled, not only for them to see our family regularly, but also to support me when I am pregnant and have a newborn. (I will probably need to see my doc regularly throughout pregnancy and it would help out tremendously to have help with DS as I don't like for him to stay at daycare past 4pm (mommy guilt)).
    My mom was recently diagnosed with a serious illness and plans have changed for them. Although she is treatable (thank goodness), it will be a tough time. I feel terribly guilty for being so far and my folks are adamant that I should stay where I am and not fly in to help. My MIL keeps reminding me that my DH and child need to be my top priority but I feel so guilty about not being with my mom (I am an only child).
    I guess I am needing advice on a few things:
    Is MIL correct about my priorities?
    Should I respect my parents wishes and trust that they will tell me if they need me?
    and the biggie:
    for a full time mom,wife and employee (with no "help" besides DH) am I crazy for wanting another child so soon. I am 37 and have already had 1 early miscarriage and a stillborn baby girl at 7 months. We really would love another child.

    My mom and I are really close and I just don't know if I should put everything in a holding pattern until she is well.

  2. I think if your mom is planning to move there anyways to go ahead with your plans. I think also that the baby will be a great distraction for her and whatever she is dealing with and I think that will be good for her. You sound very sure you are ready for another child, I wouldn't put it off. She will be there and you can all take care of each other. :smile:
  3. LisaS, I've been in your boat... I am so sorry for your Mom. I truly hope she will be fine and live long to enjoy time with her grandkids and you. In my experience the Qs you asked only you can answer. INMO Nobody can decide on your priorities or when you are ready (or not) to expand your family. I am sure your MIL talked about your priorities seeing your anguish over your Mother's illness. I've been told the same thing by different people when my father was diagnosed with cancer. I was well in my third trimester and couldn't fly. I thought I would never see him again... I thank God that my father lived long enough to see his grandchild and me. He passed away almost 2 years ago and I can tell you that there is not a single day I go by without feeling guilty that I didn't spend more time with him. I understand now he never asked for help because he loved me too much to put me through the stress. But when I look back I think that's what he wanted all along - and this realization keeps me often awake at night. Old people act like small kids when they get sick. They want the reassurance and support of the family that everything will be fine. I was busy with my pregnancy and my baby and I could not have quality time with my dad. Even he could not enjoy time with my baby because he was too sick to enjoy anything. I can tell you one thing there is a whole different life AFTER the unthinkable happens. Death is so definite and final, there is no do over...Maybe if you can spend some quality time with your mom now (spring break???) your intuition will tell you what to do??? I hope my post did not make you feel bad. I did not want to scare you either. You post touched the wound, which never healed. Again, I wish your mom the fastest recovery and to stick around for her greatgrandkids:yes:

  4. I think your MIL should stop reminding you of your priorities. I'm sure if she was unwell she would want her son to be concerned for her. In my opinion, husband and children are top priorities but not necessarily our only ones.
    You know your parents better than anyone, so ask yourself the question: if they really need me, will they let me know? If you are really unsure, is it possible for you to visit them to put your mind at ease?

    I don't think you're crazy to want another child, but given the fact that you have no "help" other than your DH, have you considered the possibility of either of you being a SAHP? I know you have a great child care arrangement at the moment but I think you should consider what you would do if those circumstances change, what would your "back-up" plan be? Whatever you decide I wish you luck and I hope your dear mum get better very soon. :flowers:
  5. I have been in a similar situation. Do what you need to do so that you will have no regrets. If putting off having another child may mean that you won't get that chance then I would do it and then deal with what comes your way. Your priorities are with your child that you have first and foremost and then everything else comes after that. Also I am very sorry to hear about your other pregnancies and your loss, I couldn't even imagine.