"what if"


Mar 6, 2006
hi everyone, so normally i wouldn't be so open about my personal problems, but i'm in such a rut that i figured i could count on you guys to maybe help me since you all have had more experiences with relationships. here's the deal:

I have been friends with this guy since junior high, and he is amazing. He is probably my best guy friend ever. I love him very much and he feels the same way about me. Although we have gotten pretty close to it, we were never actually bf and gf. Either it wasn't the right time, or things got in the way. I call him my "what if" guy, because I'm always wondering what it could have been if we ever got together. He is away right now, and I don't have any contact with him other than email and letters. (he's on a religious mission)

On the other hand, I have an incredible bf. We've been together for 4 years (i'm 19 now) and he is my first long term relationship. Although things are great with my bf, I am still thinking about my "what if" guy. On one hand, i feel that i'm still young and i should go for it so i won't have to live with any regrets, but on the other hand, why should i leave a perfectly good guy for something that might not work out? I've been torn for a while now...

So here's my question: have any of you had your own "what if" situations? if so, how did you deal with it, or are you still wondering what it could have been to this day...?:worried:
I have 2 "what if's". I will always wonder "what if" I didn't break my engagement to my first boyfriend. And...I ran into a guy I previously dated 2 weeks before I was getting married. He asked me not to go through with the wedding and give our relationship a chance!

I have a great husband, good kids, and the so called American dream but I think I will always wonder "what if".
Well, I met my husband when I was in my early teens. I had a huge crush on him, and vice versa, but we never told one another.
We 'dated' for one summer when we were 15, then he left the state. I had another boyfriend for a while, but I always thought of him. When we were 18 we hooked up again, and moved in together- we've been together ever since, that was 13 years ago.

So unlike some people, I don't automatically dismiss the notion of 'true love' at a young age. I find myself doing so sometimes, and then I think- wait a sec, didn't you meet your true love in Junior High?!

That being said, you are still very young, and cannot communicate with DreamGuy in person. There is nothing wrong with living for the moment...you say that your BF is a good guy. If he loves you, and is good to you, there is no reason to squander that. DreamGuy is not at this point moving mountains to be with you, so chucking it all to pursue a relationship with him doesn't seem to make sense. Mr. What If could end up being a nightmare boyfriend, who knows?

Here's something that people don't often admit: even if you are happily married, there are times when you fantasize, daydream about someone else. It is perfectly normal, and not mutually exclusive to being monogamous, you just don't act on it.

So long story short....I say just let things unfold. There were many bumps in the road to true love for me and my husband, but we found each other in the end. If it's meant to be, it will be, I truly belive that. :smile:
hey ya
thanks for feeling so comfortable for sharing this with us... well, i'm a person who lives with regret and everyday i ask myself the same question as you do, "what if..." theres not much i can do about my situation now as im back home in NZ, when i went to Canada i met a guy but was like so overwhelmed i was like a little school girl and couldnt do anything about it (he was HOT) and now since i've been back home, im back with my bf of 4-5years and theres not a day that goes by when i dont think of my crush... we still sorta keep in contact - but i think i might have to give that up soon....
SO, what im trying to say is, you do know you are young and please dont live with regret... life is strange and im sure you'll follow the right path
A guy I knew that was really sensitive asked me out to the dance junior year and I was embarassed because he was a freshmen and everyone made comments about how he loved me. So, I turned him down and he tranfered to a new school. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I said yes.
I do sometimes wonder 'what if'. I had a crush on this one boy since the 5th grade. We were pretty good friends, then he moved away to Texas. He came back Jr. year in High School. At the time I had a bf but one of his friends told me he always had the biggest crush on me. I never acted on my feelings. I haven't seen him since graduation. I always wonder what if I told him my true feelings. I also wonder what he has been up to since high school. Even though I wonder, I love my husband more than anything in the world I wouldn't give him up for anything.

My advice would be, listen to your heart. No matter what choice you make have no regrets!
My current bf of 5 years used to be my "what if". We were best friends and inseperable before we got together. However, if you have something good and are happy perhaps now is not the right time to pursue your "what if". Maybe you should let your current relationship run its course and if it ends, then pursue your "what if". After all, he is halfway around the world right now.
My current boyfriend was also my "waht if," he was my best friend in college and we just got together last year. It is absolutely amazing to have someone that knows you very well as your partner!
Although I agree with yellow_gummybear that you should let your current relationship run its course if you're still content about it, at the end, just follow your gut feeling.
This is what I think, if you were happy and really had (stronger) feelings for your boyfriend you wouldn't be in this dilema. Don't let it be too late you never know if your "what if" finds someone think of My Best Friend's Wedding. Do what is in your heart and nothing else.
Yeah, I had a situation like that once. . .I dont think about it too much now now that I have (who I believe to be) the love of my life. At the time though, I was so confused and my mind was all over the place wondering if I should leave my (now ex) bf for this other guy who'd been in my life for so long. . .but just let things take their course. I know it's cliche, but I'm sure you'll be with who you're meant to be with.
Chanel4me83 said:
This is what I think, if you were happy and really had (stronger) feelings for your boyfriend you wouldn't be in this dilema. Don't let it be too late you never know if your "what if" finds someone think of My Best Friend's Wedding. Do what is in your heart and nothing else.

hmm... that is a good point. And my advice was totally opposite that. Oh dear... I hope we're not confusing poor atn242! Just trust your heart!
Girl, you're still young. A few years from now, you'll look back and ask yourself "what if" so don't let it be too late and find out. Just do what your heart tells you :biggrin:
I still have a what if guy even that I'm married now for 10 years. he's my Ex boyfriend from 14 years ago. We met In Costa Rica where I was an exchange student and he an intern (doctor)at the local hospital. he's German, too so we went back to Germany after 6 wonderful months full of passion and fights as well. He lived 1h drive away from my city and all the sudden back home in our old lives it didn't work anymore. I moved on and so did he. Every once in a while he writes me an email and we get into talking dirty:smile:. We met up after not seeing each other for 12 years in 2004 and I have to say the sparkle was still there and we felt it both but we both know that we have very nice lives with wonderful husband and wife +kid and that we don't want to risk it therefor we just email once or twice a year. We both know that it is far to dangerous for us being together for more than a coffee. May be one day when we are old we are going to be a "But Now" couple or we stay "what if" forever. I haven't thought about him for ages just your question brought it up. So you see a "what if" doesn't have to necessarily endanger your relationship. The wonderful thing about a "what if" guy is that you can dream about him and built up all different scenarios in your head without having to deal with the daily life issues.
My husband was my "what if". We dated for 4 years, then broke up for 6 months before getting engaged. I always knew that if we didn't get back together, logically....my life would go on and I would end up meeting someone else, etc... etc....BUT, I knew that I would spend the rest of my life knowing that he was the RIGHT one for me and wondering what if? We have been married now for 10 years, and my gut was right....even when he drives me mad(frequently), he is still the perfect match for me. I met him when I was 18, so I don't think you are so young, but I agree with everyone else that you should let your current relationship run it's course if you love him, because I really do believe that if you are meant to be with your "what if" that opportunity will present itself at the right time. :smile: Good luck!!