TPFers not keen on having kids-How did u work this out with a DH who might want kids?

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  1. This is a spin off from the "Do you ever feel maternal Thread"

    I noticed there are quite a few TPFers here who have expressed that they are not keen/interested/do not want kids but are married to a guy who might want/want kids.

    How did you work this difference out when both parties considered/discussed marriage?

    What were both of your philosophies and thought process with getting married given the difference about wanting a kid/s?
  2. When I was with my ex he knew I didn't want kids before we got too far into the relationship - so any issues he would have had to deal with not me.
  3. It is interesting you brought this up. I'm not married, but I do know already that my honeydew wants kids. Before I met him, I never wanted kids. After I fell for him and things picked up between us, I STILL didn't want children. However, as time has gone on, I find myself softening in that respect and I have decided that I would most definitely like to have a baby after we are married. I think for some people you will continue to not want children, but in many cases, you may eventually change your mind like I have. Think about your reasoning for NOT wanting children. It could be that at this point in your life you aren't ready, but later down the road you will feel like you are ready.

    At any rate, I think that children can definitely be a make or break point in a relationship, depending on how strongly each party feels about having or not having children. If one party wants them and the other doesn't resentment can build.
  4. nathansgirl,

    do you think you will have to be on the same page as him before both of you get married?

    or do you think you would get married even if that point you had different opinions about kids?

    how would you rationalize the different wants and still be comfortable about getting married....

    I'm curious about the different philosophies that people.couples have and get married despite this difference. =)
  5. I guess it depends on how much each person wants children. I think it is definitely something that should be figured out before marriage, though. It wouldn't be fair to marry someone who wants kids if you are sure you don't want any. If someone changes their feelings after marriage, I guess that is something to work through. I know a lady who didn't want children and married someone who also did not want children. She ended up changing her mind after marriage and they divorced; she remarried and had children.
  6. its a tricky one. I have a child already from a previous relationship and NEVER want to have any more kids. My husband of 3 years knew this when we were dating. i was very firm about it. But lately he is sooooo broody and i feel terrible always saying to him that i havent changed my mind and i dont want any more kids. So far it isnt a major problem but sometimes i wonder if it will effect us in the future.
  7. One of my friends got married and said she never wanted to give birth to a child because it would ruin her figure but would consider adoption. Her husband really wanted kids so she said OK and had to go thru hell with all the fertility issues. She ended up with two kids but still has body issues that I think her daughters picked up. Another friend refused to have children but never told her husband this till after they were married and took birth control pills behind his back, he eventually found out and divorced her.
    I think both people need to know upfront before they get married. It is only fair and it is not fair to try to pressure someone in to changing their mind.
  8. I like kids but don't want any... I helped my husband raise his for the past 10+ years... that's enough...

    Mr Roo knew I did not want any when we met and that was fine with him...
  9. This was a point of contention between my bf & I. He finally realized that not everyone knows, at 24, how their life is going to turn out. He has been clear that he'd like children, and I'm honest that I don't right now know how children will fit into my life. That I don't say no to it, but that I don't know if that will happen for me in my life. Maybe at one point I will want them, never say never, but right now I just cannot picture when that is. Maybe that time will come when I feel that financially and personally we are ready for that, but I just feel it is so far away that I don't even picture it. We're young, there is NO rush! And my life will not be incomplete if I don't have a child, I know I can lead a fulfilling life with out them. While he still wants kids, I think he's realized that he can't plan life perfectly, and even if we do decide we want them together, there may be roadblocks in that, what if we can't have kids? He's taken a step back and relaxed about it. No more pressure that he's putting on me or himself to have this decision made right this minute. I think its better that way. Take life one step at a time and see what happens.
  10. Funny little story here. Early in our relationship, my boyfriend expressed that he wanted to have children in the future, and I was like, "No way!" Then we both started to change... I started liking the idea of having children more (not due to him, just for personal reasons I guess) and he started liking the idea of not having children more (maybe because I had sold the idea well?). Anyhow, it was pretty funny because the tables had completely turned, and now it was me asking him if he'd ever want kids. Luckily things have resolved, and we've started talking more about "when" we have kids. :P
  11. erm to be honest...if your spouse really honestly truly wants kids...there will always be a battle. And in the end, someone will be bitter. I have always been the type of dame that I could go either way. I knew going into my marriage, that my dh wanted kids. No ifs ands or buts. For those that enter into a relationship knowing off the bat that the other person wants children, be cautions. There is no changing their mind. Even if they say ok I understand and that they can live with your decision, deep down it ain't over. Trust me;)
  12. first of all i made it perfectly clear in both my previous long term relationship and a current one - no marriage and no kids :yes: and - to be on the safe side - now i found a So who already has a child, so would bug me less about it ! ;)
  13. Personally, I would never, never, never marry someone with opposite desires about having children. Of course opinions can change over the years, but I wouldn't risk it. The desire to have or not have children is such a fundamental thing that I'd never sacrifice it for the sake of any relationship.

    A friend of mine wanted children and married a man who did not. Big surprise, but they ended up divorced a few years later because neither would budge in their opinions. I think they both made a foolish choice to marry in the first place.
  14. I want kids but have dealt with dating someone who did not. In my 25-30 dating years I always preferred older men (like 30 to 40) and many had already had children and did not want anymore. Or they would say things like "well I'm not keen on it but if I marry and she wants one I'll give her one" gee thanks! So I never took these relationships seriously...they were just somthing to do until I met someone else. The other category of guy I would meet would be 35-40 and have not had kids and they were pressed to get married right away after dating a short time so most of them ran me off being so desperate. I ended up with a guy 5 years my junior who may have to move faster than he may have wanted because he is with an older woman that has a biological timeline.

    A story I can share of a friend of mine is she was an attorney overseas and met this guy on an international flight and he told her that day she would be his wife. Well small technicality he was alredy married and one of the issues in his marriage was that he did not want kids and his wife did. He had a very jet set lifestyle doing international law and travelled the world and kids did not fit into that picture. Well they divorced and he promptly married my European friend who also was not the maternal type and did not want kids. She was very tall and svelte yet admitted to having suffered from an eating disorder in the past and seemed to still have some issues with her body image in my view despite being a bombshell of Italian and Swiss descent with a figure many were envious of. I wonder if these body issues had anything to do with her lack of desire to have kids as another poster mentioned also. It is sad that we have gotten to a point where women will chose not to because they don't want their body to change. Anyhoo...they were like the perfect couple and both did int'l law and were both always travelling for work and I think he started to change and complained about her always being gone and wanted her to not travel so much for work and he started to want a family. She mentioned a really cool job offer she got to me and seemed sad that she couldnt take it because her husband wanted her to slow down and be more of a wife I guess. This was a woman that I used to commiserate with all the time about not feeling maternal and being conflicted about having kids and then she one day told me guess what I am pregnant! It took me by surprise because all she ever spoke of was about how she didnt want kids. I wonder if she did it to try and keep the marriage which was faltering together. Well it did not work and they are now divorced or still divorcing as she moved back overseas with the kid and there was a nasty custody battle as he resides in the US. Long story short...I wanted to share the story as another example of people not wanting kids (to the point of divorcing another spouse because they did not want them) and then changing their mind and wanted to have a kid with someone else. I think sometimes meeting the right person can make you change your mind or maybe as he got older he changed his mind. I think one key thing that happens with men is when they get to the 40something stage of life and all their friends are married with kids and it is expected of a man of a certain age and you are looked at as weird or gay if you havent had a family and are in your 40s and 50s. You become the odd man out. Some that may not have wanted a family in their 20s and 30s while building a career and living a jet set life may look around in their 40s and 50s and want to be playing ball in the back yard with kids like their friends and colleagues are. I've seen this happen alot as guys get older. I see more guys changing their mind than women with age.
  15. ITA. I'm not married and not with anyone, but I wouldn't want to marry someone who wanted kids down the line. Not only would I be unfair for myself, but I'd be unfair for my husband who would probably be better off with someone else who desired kids.

    I admit that I've played with the idea of having kids, but I know deep down, it's not something I want to do.
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