Top Ten Motivational Anthems for the U.S. Olympic Team

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  1. #1 Aug 17, 2008
    Last edited: Aug 17, 2008
    The world has gathered in Beijing to engage in spirited physical feats that will thrill and delight. To our U.S. Olympic athletes, we recommend the following playlist to ensure that we totally kick everyone's ass and point menacingly at their battered corpses.

    Mike Errico

    Blender August 06 2008

    10. "Final Countdown," Europe
    Synthesized trumpet reports from a band with a continent's name: This is an anthem to stuff a singlet to, to pop in a mouthguard to, to stride out of a tunnel to, to roll on a mat in a man-to-man frenzy to. Sky-high '80s hair metal vocals and twin guitar solos underscore the conflicting forces within the psyche of the Greco-Roman wrestler.

    9. "Jump Around," House of Pain
    House of Pain had early credibility problems within the hip-hop community, and the fact that this song came out around the same time as "Jump" by Kris Kross, two little kids who put their clothes on backwards, didn't help. However, they survived to contribute Irish-themed rhymes to the cultural diaspora, and gave us this thumping, joyful ode to... jumping. The exact type of jumping is not specified, so long, high or triple jumping would certainly apply.

    8. "Slam," Onyx
    Considering the video looks like it takes place in an underground, Fight Club–inspired ring, we'd drop this one on the boxers. '90s-era Onyx came off like a controlled riot, so that energy and focus can be applied to the ring, a short stint in the UFC octagon and, later, years and years of physical therapy. Let the boys be boys: let 'em punch the snot out of each other.

    7. "Domination," Pantera
    They're cowboys from hell, and let's face it, you're not. Their goal is to dominate. Yours is to order Domino's and watch the Olympics in your soiled boxers. Your concerns are mainly: will they have cheesy bread; and, if pizza is, in fact bread with cheese on it, why care whether or not cheesy bread comes with it; and finally, when is women's gymnastics on? Really. You sicken us.

    6. "Welcome to the Jungle," Guns n' Roses
    [/COLOR]It probably goes without saying, but because of the "welcome" part, this one is really only good for home games, which makes it only applicable to the Chinese this time around. Considering G'n'R's long-awaited CD is supposedly entitled Chinese Democracy, perhaps we're staring at a super-awesome global release date. Is Axl cool enough to put all this together? The planet awaits. (Sorta.)[/COLOR][/SIZE][/COLOR]
  2. 5. "Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger," Daft Punk
    Clearly an anthem for the fleet of foot, we recommend this for sprinters, middle-distance runners, but most importantly, the gymnasts. What floor routine is not at least a few tenths of a point better with Daft positivity thumping out of a stadium sound system? And when the song breaks down, smart choreographers will follow suit with a wicked robot-dance section. Judges love that ****.

    4. "Dirt off Your Shoulder," Jay-Z
    Of all the gestures meant to intimidate — the "choke" or the "throat slit," for instance — none is more dismissive than the so-casual brush of the back of one's hand across one's shoulder to symbolize the meaninglessness of one's competition. Hell, Barack Obama brushed that dirt off his shoulder on CNN while being hounded about matters of international importance. We would offer this song to the U.S. basketball team, but after a recent scare at the hands of Australia in the qualifying rounds, we'll just remind them that unless they win gold, they lose. For all of us.

    3. "Eye of the Tiger," Survivor
    One of the great, insistent rock guitar intros of all time, topped off with the girlish wail of Dave Bickler, who left the band and went on to become the voice of Bud Light's "Real Men of Genius" ad campaign. An athlete's flagging spirit requires inspired aphorisms, and this #1 hit from the Rocky III juggernaut is all focus, muscular guitars, pounding drums, and... Dave Bickler.

    2. "For Those About to Rock," AC/DC
    What about Angus Young's guitar and rhythmic cannon fire leaves a contest's result in doubt? The opposing team will most certainly crumple at the knees and weep to their false gods while the victors ransack their locker room and gorge themselves on Gatorade. Yes! The Olympics are awesome!

    1. "We Will Rock You," Queen
    This song was built for venues the size of South American soccer stadiums, or larger. In fact, if we become locked in battle with mucus-secreting insects from another planet, this will be our battle cry, and the gloriously fey, mustachioed lead singer Freddy Mercury will be our Gabriel. Victory is all but assured.