to marry or not to marry -- which is more valid?

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  1. to marry or to not marry?

    for those that don't want to get married, i can understand this viewpoint.

    imo, simply because two people chose not to get married does not make their love for one another any less than the love shared by a married couple. and i think you'll find that at last count, an estimated 44% of married couples have confessed to having had an affair while being married, and an estimated 50% of marriages end in divorce. those figures hardly make marriage seem like the best option for a "life commitment". you can cheat on one another without the messy cost of divorce. at the same time, i’m not saying these numbers should discourage anyone from marrying.

    for the sharing/splitting of property etc.: your will (the last right and testament kind), not your marriage certificate, is what will guarantee how your assets are distributed. if you don’t have a will, the state will take care of splitting up assets, just as they would if you were married with no will.

    not only that, OTHER legal documents can be drawn up that cover ownership of property, so as to make sure that an unmarried couple share ownership of that property (and/or other assets), should they to spilt up in the future.
    you can also have legal documents -- power of attorney -- drawn up in case you become incapacitated and cannot speak for yourself and need decisions made on your behalf.

    imo, for those that say that the biggest (non religious) reason for marriage, is simply for legal reasons, argue with an incredibly shortsighted viewpoint.

    let's not beat about the bush here. marriage is simply a tradition and we get married because it is a
    socially acceptable form of declaring your commitment to another person...
    ... nothing more nothing less.

    but then i wonder. i know more divorced people than i know married. so is it just a socially acceptable LIE or sham? people are not even surprised anymore when people they know get divorces.

    “hey, did you hear? lisa and bob are spiltsville!”

    “no, you don’t say. hey, payless is having a half-off sale!"

    and yes, to marry for religion causes/callings is different. but there are a lot of re-married adulterers too. (adultery in the sense that some churches see re-marriage for any reason other than unfaithfulness as adultery).

    but religious reasons do not equal all personal reasons.

    because not everyone marries for “God”.

    don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with marriage; but, imo to try and argue that there IS something wrong with choosing NOT to get married, is simply baseless propaganda.

    but these are just my opinions. what do you think?

    do you feel that love and commitment can be just as valid for a couple to declare their "till death do us part" for each other without a wedding ceremony? or is marriage essential for "real" commitment?
  2. for sure! i don't think u need the vows & the wedding certificate to make your love valid.

    personally .. i flip flop on the whole topic. there are days when i totally want the traditional wedding .. & be married!

    & other days, where i think that i don't want to be "married" and would be happy without that paper .. or saying the vows.

    so we'll see what wins out when the time comes! :smile:
  3. ITA.

    DH and I met later in life, I was 34, he was 41, and have been together 9 years, married for 8. We would've married immediately, but jobs/apt.leases were opposing at the time.

    Many people marry for others, not themselves, which IMHO is a mistake.

    If you look at the person you're involved with (married, not married, whatever) and imagine what your relationship would be like without sex...and you'd still want to be with that person and still love them and be loyal to them, then you're with the right person. Again, IMHO.

    Marriage is not essential for a "real commitment"

    Whatever works for the individual. Screw what everyone else thinks. It's your life.

    Great thread!
  4. Absolutely. I think every relationship and couple are different, and they are entitled to show their love for each other in whatever way they choose to. Some don't want to get married and are perfectly happy just being together, and some want to. I was the type that always wanted to. And to be honest, it makes things a lot easier here in Germany to be married when you have a child. This is one of the main reasons we chose to get married so soon after Julia came into the world.

    The statistic that 50% of marriages today end in divorce does not scare me. It shouldn't scare anybody! If people are worried that they will end up getting divorced someday, and fear that they will lose all of their assets in case their partner goes nutso and asks (and gets) everything, then they should have a Prenup. Bart and I have one, not because of the fear of divorce, but to keep certain assets separate, like his business....
  5. I agree that this is a personal choice. If you and your partner feel that it is not necessary to be married to have a true committment, then that's all the opinions you need. I don't put too much stock in those statistics, because every time I read something on this issue, the stats change. And even if it were true that 50% of all marriages fail, well, then 50% of them also succeeded. I'll take my chances. On the legal matter, yes, there are documents that can drawn up to cover most properties, but that's assuming everyone is on top of things, and there is no untimely death, which is just not realistic. And even if the will says "all property goes to my partner," the family of the deceased still has a right to contest, whereas it's more difficult to challenge a spousal right. And here is a legal perk of marriage that's not related to death, my roommates married earlier than they had anticipated a few years back, why? She needed health insurance.
  6. As long as both partners are fully informed, then I see no problem with either marriage or non-marriage. Of course the piece of paper doesn't make a committment any more "real".

    However, I see too many young women who don't understand the legal ramifications of not being married. They have children and leave their jobs and live in a home that's not in their name. They drive cars that aren't in their name. And even if they were, they would have no way to make the payments and would be less likely to be entitled to at least temporary spousal support in the case of breakup.

    A person who is legally married generally fares better in court in a breakup than a person who is not. Then there are all the issues of medical directives, death, etc. that unmarried couples face.

    Like I said, as long as someone knows what they are doing and the legal ramifications of it, then so be it. But many people find it easier that most legal things are taken care of with one document (a marriage license) than with multiple trips to an attorney.
  7. :yes:

    A good friend of mine was dating a staff member (not a professor) at the University I went to in the US, and she married her husband so early because she couldn't afford the tuition anymore
  8. do you feel that love and commitment can be just as valid for a couple to declare their "till death do us part" for each other without a wedding ceremony? or is marriage essential for "real" commitment?

    I do believe that it is just as valid without a ceremony, and I don't believe that marriage is essential for a "real" commitment.

    However, someone brought up the issues of legal ramifications, and I completely agree that a couple needs to be very well aware of them before making a decision.

    The whole thing has a lot to do with how you were raised and the culture you live in, in terms of how it will probably effect you personally. Here in the south, being unmarried but with kids/sharing a home is not as well accepted as other arrangements. In my family, marrying before you are 25+ years of age and not stable career/finance wise is not acceptable either. Therefore, even though my SO and I have been dating for 6 years now and plan on marrying, we will not do so until we are both finished with college and with our finances/career and I really can't get married until I'm 27 and he is 28, less my family look down on our decision to marry as a poor one. No big deal for us, but I understand how a lot of people would be annoyed/shocked by those dictates. SO and I will be married in law only though, no church stuff because I'm atheist, and that alone will cause a WORLD of problems later on with our families. One upsetting issue is more than enough for the two of us; if we didn't at least have a marriage certificate, his side of the family would be up in arms if we were just "committed" to each other.
  9. there are some who never marry and are together after many years (Kurt and Goldie) , so you need to do what is right for YOU, marry for the reasons YOU feel are right....not just what you think society expects of you....
  10. we have a thread very similar in subject to this one in our "relationships and family" section. we'd appreciate it if you'd all post your thoughts in there. thanks!
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