The joys of being a woman - not for the faint of heart {Vlad}

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  1. All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.

    My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off . No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

    So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together.
    Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

    With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek. (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself.........RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

    I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!.... OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!!

    Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...........must stay conscious… Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe… OK, back to normal...

    I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.
    I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it.
    Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
    Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair - the hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.
    Then I make the NEXT big mistake.......remember my foot that is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
    I hear the slamming of a cell door.
    Vagina? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!

    I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself, "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???


    I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment. I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!

    God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

    There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or who-ha?" She's laughing out loud by now.....I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEH Right!!!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

    While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

    What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's soooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! IT WORKS!!" I get a hearty "Congratulations!" from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point...

    Next week I'm going to try hair color......

    BTW - this was passed on to me I SWEAR!!!
  2. that is too funny......and has scared me off wax for life (not that my pain-fearing self has ever actually been near it)
  3. Hilarious!!
  4. Ummm, yeah, shaving is ALL I need personally!
  5. I've read that before! Funny everytime I read it though! I don't think getting waxed professionally is that bad though. It doesn't really hurt me, I just feel a slight tingle that could even be enjoyable. I would NEVER try it at home myself!
  6. You had me laughing out loud! :smile:
    I've tried waxing on my own...never again.
  7. Once when I used to have alot of time on my hands I got into plucking. One by one. When I first started, it took an hour and a half, and the pain brought me to tears, but then after a few weeks I had it down to 45 minutes, and I got addicted to the pain, which wasn't even that bad.
    But the smoothest thing you ever had!
  8. I'll stick to shaving thanks......
  9. that sounds so scary......i can barely handle plucking my eyebrows (hurt less when i did it more often....gotten lazy and unbearably painful now)
  10. hah. While waxing may last longer- shaving doesn't hurt and I don't have to let my hair grow out to disgusting lengths in order to remove my hair.
  11. I forget what it is, but there's a psychological reason people enjoy plucking out their hair, careful not to over pluck!
  12., i can't even explain to you how funny i found that.

    waxing has to be the worst thing ever. there's no way to not mess it up at least in part if you're doing it yourself.

    i have those little nair facial hair strips for any unsightly stray hairs that may pop up, but really, the hair has to get long before those things will grip it, and who wants to spend time growing out their facial hair to use the wax strip? i'm a big fan of my hot pink tweezerman tweezers.
  13. Oh my gosh, that was hilarious. You had me laughing the whole time.
  14. i enjoy it, too, always have, i thought i might be the only one. i don't enjoy the pain...just the action of plucking.
  15. it's really common, something about what happens when you pluck the hair out of it's follicle- :sad: I often end up overplucking because of it!