The Best of Late Night Jokes

  1. Letterman
    • Rosie O’Donnell was also nominated for Best Talk Show Host. She looked fantastic by the way, at the Emmy Awards. She spent the day getting her back waxed.

    • In honor of Father’s Day, a group of doctors is offering dads free prostate exams. So next year, your dad will be happy when he gets a tie. That tie will be looking pretty good.
    • Hillary Clinton has launched a new Web site where people can get all the latest Hillary news. John Edwards has launched a new Web site where people can get his blend of shampoos and conditioners.

    • Father’s Day is a day for kids to show appreciation to their dads. Well, once Maury Povich identifies who their dad is.
  2. Letterman
    • Sunday is Father’s Day. The hookers in Times Square are doing their part. For an extra $20, they’ll call you Daddy.
    • Donald Trump is 61 years old today. I got him a woodchuck so his hair would have a playmate.
    [FONT=arial,helvetica]Letterman's Top Ten[/FONT]
    [FONT=arial,helvetica]Top Ten Things Overheard At Donald Trump's Birthday Party
    10. "I hope the candles don't set fire to that thing on his head"
    9. "Hey, the Dominos guy is here"
    8. "Do I really have nothing better to be doing?"
    7. "I'm suprised he showed up — usually Trump hates attention"
    6. "Look, David Hasselhoff's eating cake off the floor" — this joke never gets old
    5. "Who invited the guy with the drug-resistant tuberculosis?"
    4. "It's my birthday, I'm a billionaire and you're telling me there's no 'slaw?!"
    3. "Wow, a $10 gift card to Old Navy"
    2. "Lindsay Lohan left rehab for this?"
    1. "Letterman . . . sorry, no Letterman on the list"

  3. Leno
    • More problems today for Paris Hilton in prison. Apparently she saw another woman wearing the exact same outfit that she had on.
    • Paris Hilton has now been without a man for six days. She’s broken George Michael’s old record.
    • Paris Hilton said in an interview with Barbara Walters that she will no longer act dumb. So apparently she’s taken a vow of silence.

    • President Bush visited the Pope this weekend. He made a mistake. Instead of calling the Pope Your Holiness, he called him sir. Then, instead of kissing the Pope’s ring, Bush went for a high-five and said, "Up top, Popie.”
    • Paris Hilton has been dropped by her talent agency. But don’t worry, Paris was immediately snatched up by a no-talent agency.

    • Today is the Olsen twins birthday. They turn 21 today (and pounds).
    • Today is also the five-day anniversary of Paris Hilton’s harrowing return to jail. They say Paris’ fellow prisoners are angry because her parents didn’t have to wait to visit her. Normally you sit there for two to four hours. It turns out there’s a decent explanation. The reason her parents didn’t have to stand in line is because they’re very very rich.
  4. Leno
    • President Bush is back from his big European tour. He became the first president to ever visit Albania. He got a hero’s welcome there. Although there was one awkward moment when he told the crowd, "I love you albino people.”

    • It’s graduation time. I remember I couldn’t wait to get out of high school. Couldn’t wait. Of course in those days, we weren’t having sex with our teachers.
    [FONT=arial,helvetica]Letterman's Top Ten[/FONT]
    [FONT=arial,helvetica]Top Ten Signs Paris Hilton Has Found God

    10. Instead of pretending to read newspapers, now pretending to read the Bible
    9. Been exchanging text messages with Pope Benedict XVI
    8. New catchphrase? "That's holy!"
    7. Begins each day with a prayer to Santa
    6. Spent the last 10 hours trying to turn water into cosmopolitans
    5. Vowed to give up all earthly possessions that are no longer in style
    4. Changed chihuahua's name from Tinkerbell to Ezekiel
    3. Now, only time she gets on her knees is to pray
    2. Latest sex tape sponsored by the National Council of Churches
    1. Often asks herself: "Where would Jesus shop?"


    • Officials say the cost of keeping Paris Hilton in jail is 11 times the cost of the average inmate. Taxpayers described the cost of keeping Paris in jail as totally worth it.

    • Paris is a whole new person after spending less than a week in jail. She called Barbara Walters and told her she’s not going to act dumb anymore. Now she’s going to be dumb.
    • Barbara asked what the real story was as far as the medical reason for getting out last week. There’s been a lot of speculation whether it was physical or mental. She said that Paris said, "I was not eating or sleeping; I was severely depressed; I felt as if I was in a cage . . .” Well, that’s probably because she was in a cage . . . the metal bars indicate cage.
    • Paris told Barbara she’s doing a lot better now, and she is using her time in jail to think about becoming a more productive member of society: "I asked what kinds of things she would like to do, and she said she would like to help in the field of breast cancer . . . or multiple sclerosis . . . and she said she would like to get some toy companies to build a kind of Paris Hilton playhouse for children.” You know so many kids go through life never getting to lose their virginity. Now with Paris Hilton’s playhouse, they’ll have that chance.
  5. Leno
    • Here’s an odd fact, according to the AARP, brushing your teeth causes up to 4,000 injuries a year. To which the British said, "See!”
  6. Conan
    • During last night’s Democratic debate, all the candidates said if they were elected, they would get rid of the military’s "don’t ask, don’t tell policy” for gay soldiers. "Don’t ask, don’t tell” would be replaced by a new policy, "Don’t tell me you’re wearing those boots with that gun.”
    • A new fertility test is being developed that will allow men and women to test their fertility at home. The new home fertility test will be called sex.
  7. Leno

    • The Vatican this week published something it’s calling the "Ten Commandments for Drivers.” It’s commandments you should follow while you drive. They actually mention Lindsay Lohan by name.

    • The FDA announced the new fat blocking drug, Alli, can cause gas and diarrhea. The pill comes in three forms: pills, capsules, and chimichangas.
  8. Headlines


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  11. :roflmfao: These are great. Thanks for posting Caitlin.
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  13. No wonder it ran away.
  14. HAHA!! I love all the late night shows!! They're hilarious!!
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