There have been many requests to close this thread.
However, the OP seems to be trying to figure out her own feelings around her recent grief, and is asking for help. So maybe we can look at it from another angle, because grief is complicated and should not be limited to those who do it "well." I am no expert so my words are just my own thoughts, but I do hope we can offer a place of comfort to the OP rather than a onslaught of rejection.
Unfortunately, I have known too many people who've ended their own lives. They are all people I've loved dearly. One I just found out about last week as we'd been out of touch for a couple of years. For me, the losses I've faced have left deep grooves of sadness in my heart as I think of their despair. How terrible they must have felt to see only one answer. It's something that's hard to reconcile with our own feelings and desires.
I must admit I have had moments where I've been selfish and thought, "Why didn't they reach out to me?" "How could they just leave us here?" But in truth, they were likely not in a place where they believed anyone could help them – or for some that anyone would want to. Of course people have different motives and experiences, so it's hard to say. It does seem the one thing that is pretty true across the board, is they were not in a place where they could see beyond their own despair. Is that selfish? I don't think so – at least not in the judgy way our society uses that word.
So, while I agree, people who commit suicide may not be thinking of others, at least not clearly, it's not because they are jerks.
Many people experience anger and a variety of other "unpopular" feelings when a loved one ends their own life. Grief can be extremely confounding. I cannot judge one's grief just as I cannot judge one who's chosen to leave us, but I do know that forgiveness does not often come first.
I recommend perhaps talking to a counselor yourself, OP, to get some insight into what you friend may have been experiencing and some guidance on how to deal with your loss.
My condolences to you and to everyone in this thread who has experienced this.
If anyone here is having suicidal thoughts, I urge you to please seek help. It may seem hopeless, but just do it anyway.