stubborn BF - What do I do?

M

madzia

O.G.
Jun 27, 2006
710
220
#1
My BF and I have been together for about 2 years now and we had a stupid fight tonight about a male friend that I have known for about 9-10 years who recently got married....

So, this male friend of mine is having a party and he sent me a text today inviting both my BF and I to attend

I told my BF about it and as I was doing that he made a comment like "ha, I guess we won't go" and i said "why not? we have no reason not to"
and I went on to say that when we go I expect my BF to be on his best behavior and not to cause any drama

I said that because he feels kinda awkward about my relationships with this male friend...but i've assured him numerous times that he has absolutely nothing to worry about because I've known this guy for like 9-10 years and NOTHING has happened (I spared him the little making out/hanging out details from 5+ years ago when we were both in HS)

My BF started to feel really annoyed with my relationship with this guy when my friend sent me flowers for my birthday (they were gorgeous!) this year (last year he brought me champagne). My BF seems to think that my friend's wife doesn't know about it and that my friend has no right sending me flowers and should be taking care of his wife instead of butting into our relationship.

Frankly, I don't think my friend's wife knows about it either but to me it doesn't matter - that's between them. IMHO i'm not interfering in their relationship because I'm not taking the flowers or any contact my friend makes with me (phone, texting, etc) as anything more than FRIENDSHIP.

So yeah, back to topic. I asked him to be on his best behavior at my friend's party and not to cause any drama by mentioning the flower thing or the fact that him and I exchange text messages or phone calls periodically. (He has mentioned in the past that he would ask her if her ran into her or met her, my BF has not met either one yet). The BF kept insisting that he would ask my friend's wife whether she knows about it just so that he can find out whether he can trust my friend or not. So i made it quite clear that this guy is a friend, but certainlly not one that I would trust with much (this lack of trust is for various reasons).

Now it seems as if he wants me to choose between my male friends and him. Which i just find so annoying that he would even ask me to do that and I told him i will absolutely NOT choose. Not because I have feelings for my friend, but because I have no feelings besides friendship for him and because my BF should really know better. He should know that my heart is his, that he is a priority in my life, that he should trust me, and that our relationship means a lot more to me than my friendship with this guy. He said he knows that, but still had this cocky sound in his voice as if he was out to prove something...

So what do I do? If I let this go and tell him that I will let go of my friendships that means I'm letting him control me and my life (he doesn't see it that way)

If we end up going to this party I'm afraid that he'll mention something stupid and cause drama between my friend and his wife just to mess up my friendship with this guy....

I don't want to end my relationship with my friend (even though he's not THAT good of a friend I still feel some type of loyalty due to how long we've known each other and our history together)...but I tried explaining all this to the BF and he just seems so stubborn about this topic and I just end up getting angry because he really doesn't see it my way ...

I would like to think that if he had a female friend in his life that he's known for as long as i've known my friend I'd be understanding, but I don't know whether i would be or not

Sorry for the rant, I'm just upset right now...

Anyone have any advice?
 
#3
Wow.

I definitely do not agree with allowing him to tell you you cannot be friends with someone, who was your friend for the longest time, and friends before hooking up with your bf no less!

My advice, tell your male friend that your bf might ask 'embarassing' questions to his wife and just give them a heads up. If your friendship with this guy is just friendship and his wife is okay with it, i think giving them a headsup is the best bet.

I just recently had lunch and a bit of shopping with a male friend of mine, and i have been friends with him before he hooked up with his gf, and i really don't feel like our friendship should stall just because of that? She's a cool girl and when she called him in the car she told me 'hi' via him.
 
#6
ms-whitney said:
Wow.

I definitely do not agree with allowing him to tell you you cannot be friends with someone, who was your friend for the longest time, and friends before hooking up with your bf no less!

My advice, tell your male friend that your bf might ask 'embarassing' questions to his wife and just give them a heads up. If your friendship with this guy is just friendship and his wife is okay with it, i think giving them a headsup is the best bet.

I just recently had lunch and a bit of shopping with a male friend of mine, and i have been friends with him before he hooked up with his gf, and i really don't feel like our friendship should stall just because of that? She's a cool girl and when she called him in the car she told me 'hi' via him.
Click to expand...

that's some good advice, i think i'll ask my friend whether his wife knows about our occasional chats & the gifts ...

however, I suspect she doesn't and I really don't want to make her feel awkward/jelous about it....because there really is nothing for her to worry about when it comes to me and her husband
 
#7
pidgeon92 said:
This is - of course - only my opinion -

I advise you to not hang out with a married man who would send flowers to a woman who is not his wife.
Click to expand...

Agreed! :yes:

The fact that his wife doesn't know about the gifts and contact between you both sends a HUGE RED flag to me. He is hiding something from his wife-his feelings for you. It doesn't matter how you feel toward the friend. HE could have feelings toward you. I would not hang out with a man who has an attraction toward me. Just my opinion. Also, the fact that you withheld information about you past with this person is not a great idea. If your BF finds out you convieniently left out that you made out in the past then he will be VERY upset!
 
#9
Syntagma said:
Agreed! :yes:

The fact that his wife doesn't know about the gifts and contact between you both sends a HUGE RED flag to me. He is hiding something from his wife-his feelings for you. It doesn't matter how you feel toward the friend. HE could have feelings toward you. I would not hang out with a man who has an attraction toward me. Just my opinion. Also, the fact that you withheld information about you past with this person is not a great idea. If your BF finds out you convieniently left out that you made out in the past then he will be VERY upset!
Click to expand...

I left out DETAILS of the making out, but my BF most definitely knows that we had a thing a long time ago.

As far as the gifts etc, I am just SUSPECTING that she doesn't know about that. Either way she knows that we're friends and we stay in touch since he's inviting me to a party at their house.
 
#10
madzia said:
I am just SUSPECTING that she doesn't know about that. Either way she knows that we're friends and we stay in touch since he's inviting me to a party at their house.
Click to expand...

Why would you suspect she doesn't know about it? Because you feel it might be a tad inappropriate? Would you like your bF to send another woman flowers? One he had a thing with?
 
#11
It strikes me as disrespectful to your SO...not to mention to his wife. I actually think your bf has a bit of a beef here and maybe you need to try to look at it from his view. It's hard, I know...especially when you're thinking you know nothing is going on on your end.
Speaking only from the point of view of your friend and his marriage...married life is hard work. Assuming his wife doesn't know...he should never put himself in a position to illicit jealousy from his wife. As well...if she knew...she would likely sign the notes...right?
Sorry hon...but I agree w/the others and think it's a no-no red flag.
 
#12
I don't think I worded that well...I can't even understand what i just wrote! HA!
What i'm trying to say....is my dh and I made a promise never to put ourselves even in the POSITION of ....hurt/guilt/you name it. One has to protect their marriage...and that's a full time job in itself.
THat may not be any clearer....hope it makes sense.
 
#13
Thanks for everyone's candid opinion.

Part of me does see my BF's point of view in this, I just don't want to feel controled, nor do I want to be put in a situation where I have to chose between a friend and a BF....and that's kind of where I am right now....
 
#14
I don't think an SO should ever control who can and cannot be your friends. That said, however, I think there should be mutual respect for the feelings involved. I don't think he questions your intentions, just your male friend's. Personally, if my bf were friends with a girl whose intentions weren't clear and are questionable, I would be pretty uncomfortable. I can see why your bf thinks this is all a bit shady because your guy friend isn't doing this in the open with respect to his wife.

ETA: I just saw your last past and wanted to add that IMO it is your friend who has put you in this situation. Any guy knows that sending another guy's gal flowers (behind his own wife's back) is going to cause tension in a relationship.
 
#15
mshel said:
I don't think I worded that well...I can't even understand what i just wrote! HA!
What i'm trying to say....is my dh and I made a promise never to put ourselves even in the POSITION of ....hurt/guilt/you name it. One has to protect their marriage...and that's a full time job in itself.
THat may not be any clearer....hope it makes sense.
Click to expand...

I agree, I just think that it's my friend's job to protect HIS marriage....IF he's hiding things from his wife I don't think that's something I can control....
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top
Back