so frustrated!!

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  1. dh gets here for lunch and has that look on his face...i was like "uh oh!" and he proceeds to tell me that he got a phone call on his way home from my oldest son's VP at the story goes- son was in line for lunch, he gets told to go to the back of the line for pushing. he went to the back of the line with no problem...but here is where the fun starts. the girl that was in front of him left the line for some unknown reason, she then came back and in his mind he felt that she was cutting in line, so they get in an argument. they push each other and then he did it...he grabbed her arm and bit her, she said that he tried to bite her on the back but couldn't. he then spent his lunch time in detention, along with recess. his VP said that he immediately knew that what he did was wrong, because he told her he should have talked to the teacher about it and not bit her [that is good] and that he sat in detention and did his work quietly.

    when dh told me jaw just dropped and i was dumb founded. he hasn't bitten anyone in A LONG TIME.

    ok, so fast forward to 3pm, it's time for me to pick him up. he gets in the car all smiles and says that he had a wonderful day, and he brought home no notes, so he wants to have fun time [that doesn't even begin until next week]. i ask him if he is sure there is nothing he wants to talk about...he again says, "no i had a wonderful afternoon....i promise!!" so i asked him again if he was sure...once again he says yes. so i ask him then why was is that we got a phone call from his VP about what happened in line and the fact that he was in detention half the day? his face fell immediately.

    we talk more, he starts to cry of course. i ask him why he was sent to the back of the line in the first place and he says that other kids were pushing and that he was getting squashed. so then in my mind of course i wonder if he was pushed and he pushed back [still not right] but the teacher only saw him doing it so he was singled out and sent to the back of the line. and on a side note- we have asked to have a conference with his teacher on NUMEROUS occasions and she will never reply. we have written them on his weekly reports, we have sent emails. my husband is once again sending her another one asking for a conference. he has told me that the kids call him names [stupid] and they won't play with him. and the girl that he bit is a girl that has made fun of him on numerous occasions [so he has said].

    he also has been bringing home notes about how he isn't following directions, and how he is acting out in class. i don't know what to do at this point, im so very frustrated. right now he is downstairs writing sentences [i will not lie. i will not bite anyone. i will not push. i will follow directions.] i also had him write an apology letter to the girl he bit and to his teacher...

    PLEASE HELP!! i feel like a failure :crybaby:
  2. Oh Danielle, I know how trying days like this can be. I think you handled it fabulously!

    Kids are always going to do things they shouldn't and sometimes those things will shock and amaze you...but what's really important is they way you handle it...and you did well :smile:
  3. #3 Jan 16, 2009
    Last edited: Jan 16, 2009
    i just feel that nothing is working with him!! we have spanked, we have grounded, we have taken away privileges, we have had talks, we have tried to reinforce the positive, we reward the good behavior, we tell him everyday that it's a new day and that he can have a wonderful day and that he has to try to do his best.

    there are many days that i ask him how his day was and he tells me that it was great...only to later find out that he has brought home notes that he in fact had a bad day and that he wasn't following directions and one day he was told to sit down and he ripped the top off of his supply box.

    we notice that he has a very hard time following simple directions at home. like his shoes are untied, so i tell him to either tie them or take them off and put them away. he says OK and walks off, only to come back a few minuets later with his shoes still on and untied [that happened 4 times in about 30 mins]. we have to constantly remind him to settle down and to not shout and not run [while we are out at a restaurant or store]. he is going on i just expecting too much out of him?
  4. Ive noticed some of your other threads about him misbehaving and the new reward system, is this recently that he started getting notes and misbehaving. I only ask because my nephew recently moved to a new school and with all the changes he gets 1 note a week and its been an adjustment. He also has been acting out to get attention, but that's another issue. May I ask how he has been adjusting to you being pregnant?

    Also I think you should def. make the teacher sit down with you and your husband and talk about his recent behavior and work out some kind of plan together. Your reward system seems like it would be a good idea to include the teacher in, so that if he starts to not listen she can give him warning with a hand gesture (so the other students dont notice) to keep him inline. Is it possible to sit in class with him to monitor his behavior, see why he is misbehaving in class? If the teacher does not respond, talk to the vp and have her set up a meeting. My brothers teachers have always been very open to any of my concerns and made the time to meet with me.
    ( My twin brothers are 9 and I handle all there school stuff, teacher conference, pta and that stuff; their like my children because of the age difference. Im just wanted to explain since it may seem kinda wierd that I meeting with the teachers)
  5. we posted at the same time and I wanted to add, You are not being to hard on him 7 is old enough to understand cause and effect. Maybe instead of asking how his day was, be more specific Did you get any notes from your teacher? Did she have to repeat herself. Is there anything that happened today? Kids are very short term, when I ask my daughter if she had fun today she says yes because we just finished doing something fun, but doesn't remember the timeout and tantrum she trew earlier in the morning. did that make sense.

    Keep it up, youll find something that'll work.
  6. the reward system was something that we came up with yesterday...trying a new tactic to try to reach him and tell him that he needs to shape up at school. we discussed it with him last that is why he brought it up today.

    there was a week that he brought home 4 notes in 2 days [one from each teacher].

    about the new baby he seems excited, i know it's a new change and we are taking that into consideration...that with the move and the new teacher [but all that happened last year {moved in aug. new teacher in oct i believe}] and things seem to only be getting worse.
  7. Hi Danielle

    I know you must be really frustrated. I am a teacher and really think that you need to sit down with his teacher and have an open discussion on the situation so that you have a clear picture of what is going on at school and she has a clear picture of what is going on at home. This way, you can come up with strategies to use that are similar. Some children have a really hard time with understanding that their behavior needs to change according to the circumstances/surroundings. If you both work on creating similar environments for him, you may be much more successful. As for sending her notes for a conference and her not responding, I don't understand why. Is it possible she has not seen them? I would go into the classroom on Monday and request a meeting with her as soon as possible or phone the school and leave a message with the secretary requesting a meeting. This way, you will know for sure that she knows you want a meeting and then if she chooses to ignore you, you can take further action. Good luck sweetie! My first is only 3.5 but I already dread the day when he will be in school and I will be involved in this stuff from a parental perspective.
  8. Danielle,
    I am a speech pathologist in an elementary school and also serve on the Intervention Assistance Team. Here is a frequent suggestion for a reward system that we use.
    Since he is only 7, you might want to break the system into shorter amounts of time. For example, you could have a chart and divide the chart in to incremental amounts of time (30 minutes or an hour if he can handle it). Sometimes, for a kiddo that age, being good for a whole day is too much time to see the reward. It may help to have a conference with the teacher and use the same reward system (with different rewards but the same system) at home and at school.
    Also, you mentioned him not following directions, do you feel that he is being defiant by not following the direction or that he may be having difficulty following the directions? Do you see comprehension issues in other areas?
    Good luck with the behaviors, I will be having my first in July and I am sure I will have a whole new appreciation for what parents deal with vs. the educational side of things. Take care :smile:
  9. It could be that even your son doesn't know why he is doing these things. He may feel insecure about his home-life, he may be scared that he will be left out because of the new baby coming. I think the fact that he gets in the car all smiles is very telling. He wants things to be ok and he is pretending that all is well, but in fact he is having trouble dealing with certain things ... and please don't take this the wrong way, but does that sound familiar to you?

    I think that given you have tried everything and at a point where you don't know what to do, it would help enormously if you could talk to a child counsellor or someone equally qualified that could help you to help your dear son get back on track.
    This is not about blame, it is very clear that you are a loving mother and you are not a failure. I wish you the very best.
  10. #10 Jan 16, 2009
    Last edited: Jan 16, 2009
    I have you had your son tested for ADHD? Not to put the "label" out there for nothing, but my son was the SAME (well, no notes for biting, but notes for being disorganized and not sitting still). We tried EVERY behavior modification method we could think of. It was only he was beginning to bring home REALLY bad grades in his GT program that we decided to have him tested. We had a teacher screen eval from two teachers (psych had them fill out two 'testing' forms each), three for parents, three tests of DH and some other things too - I forgot it all. It wasn't just testing for adhd but other disorders that can present itself with similar patterns. Well, his results came back as off the radar screen ADHD. Basically he had gotten by so far "OK" because he's so smart, but it was catching up to him. He was put on a low dose to start off (love our ped) and had to switch to one that didn't suppress his appetite, but it was like night and day. We weren't yelling at him all the time, his grades went from Cs and Ds to As and Bs, he listened, he could follow directions, he was just more pleasant to be around. And kids with ADHD tend to do before they think - like the biting, or hitting.

    Basically, with ADHD they can't screen things out and things just go to overload so fast. Not saying this is what it is, but boy, does this sound way familiar!

    Oh, and my son would come home all smiles too because he just wanted to have a good "rest of the day" since well, you can imagine how hard the day already was. I was usually not too hard him on days I could see he was already punishing himself for the behavior. Like if he's crying and sorry and already was punished at school fairly, I didn't see a need to further the punishment - talking it through and letting him know we were frustrated and not happy, but no more punishment.
  11. Wait, why would YOU feel like a failure? I'm not a parent yet, but I always HATED when my mom would go into "oh, what did I do wrong? I must have been suuuuuuch a baaaaaad parent for you to do that..." I just don't think a kid's occasional bad behavior is a reflection on your parenting - kids are kids!

    It sounds like your son is having a hard time dealing with things. You've had some rocky times between you and hubby, and even if he doesn't know what's going on, he knows that SOMETHING is going on, and he knows it's not good. Kids are VERY intuitive, and if they know something is wrong, but don't know what, their little minds wander in a million different directions, and they come up with a million reasons that the problem in the house is their fault. He probably would benefit from a few sessions with a school counselor.

    If his teacher won't make an appointment to see you, then I would go to the VP or to the principal to request a meeting! She sounds like a pretty lazy teacher to me.
  12. #12 Jan 16, 2009
    Last edited: Jan 16, 2009
    i am seriously thinking about taking him to a ped and getting a good thorough check up, and bringing up the fact that he has issues following directions, plus he has problems with wetting the bed. dh doesn't want him to be put on medication, put i am almost at my wits end.

    he is a very smart boy...he is reading on a level 10, when he leaves 1st grade he is expected to be reading at a level 3. he gets good grades. so we know he is smart. he just seems to be moving and going too fast to really focus on what needs to be done at that moment.

    dh came home and we were talking with him some more, and we sent him d/s to finish writing his sentences at the dinning room table. dh walks d/s a few minutes after him and he sees him running from his bedroom back to the table. he was in his room watching tv. GRRRRR! and then lied and said that he wasn't.

    and i understand that he wants to finish the day off on a good note, but he tells us the reason why he doesn't tell us or lies to us about the notes is because he doesn't want us to be mad at he knows that his behavior wasn't good. [oh and we always reassure him that we aren't mad at him, but that we are disappointed]

    ** i guess the reason that i feel like a failure is that it seems that nothing is really sinking in with him [and i haven't told him that!!]. today he thought that writing the sentences was "fun". he also said that he enjoyed his dentention time, and then later said that he didn't.

    yes dh and i had some rocky times...we are doing better lately, and i hope that it stays that way. i know he can sense things were off. and i reassure him often that anything that is going on is between me and daddy and has nothing to do with him. and that we both love him very much.
  13. we are diong some research and we found out about Addasil. have any onf you heard of it or tried it. it's vitamins to help ADHD. i took a screening test and it showed that there are some signs to worry about. we don't want to put him on meds this early on, but i also don't want him to continue down this path. so we will try going with natural cures first.
  14. It's a tough decision and even if he is on meds, you still need to have a lot of structure with a kid with ADHD. I'll have to find the links I've saved. And you need to be realistic. Like, when talking to him, look him in the eye to make sure you have his attention. Give him one thing to do at a time, like, "X, got get your shoes." Then when he does that, "Now get your coat". Or, have him repeat back to you what you what you just told him to do, "Go get your shoes and coat and put them on. Did you hear me. OK, tell me what I told you to do." Diet is important, getting enough sleep is important and STRUCTURE, STRUCTURE< STRUCTURE and just realize, you will have to help him with organization more than you probably ever needed.
  15. i always look him in the eye, i have to repeatedly tell him to look me in the eye. and i will from now on only give him one chore at a time...i have noticed that he gets flustered when i ask him to do 2 pick up that book, and put his clothes away. he isn't sure on what to do first or how to do it.

    i told him that he will be going to bed from now on at 7pm instead of 8. he has been coming home and i can tell he is tired. he is yawning a lot and seems very grouchy. he also told dh this morning that he had a really bad dream last night. it was about a man that slit his throat and then the same to all of us. i have no idea where that came from!! i know that he isn't happy with his behavior, and he wants to do better. so all we can do is try our best to help him find a way!