serious advice/opinions needed please.....

  1. I don't usually post but I really enjoy coming here and read your different topics of discussions which I find funny, entertaining but also very smart.
    I have a relationship problem and I need opinions from women who are not my close family and friends. I have been together with my BF since 1997(I was 19, I am now 28-he is 29).We had a 6 months break up when I was 22, bc I thought he was not motivated enough in his life. And we got back together and moved in together after that. He is generally caring, very intelligent, nice, does the cooking, share the work in the house, got a job at the same company than me (which I helped for), we get along fine. During a time he enjoyed too much goingout with his friends and partying on his own and drinking alcohol which he has stopped since.
    The problem is that until 3 years ago I thought it was fine that we were still living a sort of student life : renting a flat, not having specific carreers goals (him, bc I have always been more carreer focused than him), going out a lot and on holidays with friends, when visiting home spending time with his friends, and him not saving money.
    I am not a very confident person and I started a therapy 1 year ago bc I didn't like myself and was panicking about not knowing what I want in life. My therapist has adviced that he comes along now as apparently, despite being super nice he is subsconsciensly stopping me from moving on in our life.
    His only plans for the future seem career wise to stay in the same job in the same company abroad (we are expat),his salary is a bit lower than mine, he refuses to talk seriously about projects together, he is not good at saving money so he is very generous with friends and himself (he loves hifi), so I save money fo both of us for buying a house 1 day, and we don't share any activities, we are both potato couches on the week life is blah also partly bc of me.
    I fear leaving him bc he has so many other qualities, we are so close (so many years and history), I fear being alone and not meeting anyone else as I am quite a fragile person(and already almost 29) , I start thinking babies, and my family thinks he is so perfect they love him. Basically he thinks "present" I think "future".
    All my friends are getting married (after they bought a house), more guys proposed to their GF during this XMas and it makes me sad......even if I said myself in the past I was not the marrying type.....and we would still be living in the same small town abroad, we have the same friends, and we work in the same department in our company....
    What to do ? work on our relationship more with the therapist and hope for change ? or consider I left it long enough (I started questioning 3 years ago) and move out ?:sad:
    I need opinions and personal stories, thank you for reading my long post...:heart:
  2. I think in a situation like this, where the guy doesn't have any really obvious, horrible flaws, no one else is going to be able to tell you definitively whether you should stay or leave him. You just need to really think about what you want out of life, and what things you want, but are willing to settle on. Perhaps making a positives and negatives list might help you sort out whether this is a guy who is good enough for you to stay with the rest of your life.
    I definitely understand how hard it can be to think about being on your own after such a long time with a certain person. You've basically been with this guy your entire adult life. But, you have to have faith that even though it might be really hard for a while, and your family might be upset with you because they love the guy so much, with time you will be ok, and you'll most likely meet someone else who you can have a relationship with, and your family will get over it. Sorry I can't be more help.
  3. ^Thanks for your answer, you're right and I am not expecting anyone to tell me leave or stay, but like you, give me opinions and their own experience sure helps a lot.....
  4. It seems like you spent a good part of your adult life with him and are not moving forward. It's great you are seeing a therapist and this can help you decide what "you"want and what "you need". My cousin met a guy when she first moved to NY---she dated him, traveled with him and even though they were supposed to be a couple they split every bill 50-50. I never remember her saying he bought her anything. He even charged her for a McDonalds milkshake when she was sick once. (UGH). So she waited and waited, thinking they will get married........she went as far as to even give him her grandmothers engagement ring and wedding band for him to give her. Well 20 years went by and so did all her opportunities of her dreams of having children, a home and marrying him. She moved out of state in to her parents house and was sure he would go get her and marry her, NO--just used her parents house for vacations. Sad to say she died 2 years later after her move. She was depressed, became a heavy drinker and I think just didn't care anymore. From our phone conversations she kept waiting for something to happen next month, next year and it never did and before she knew it 20 years later she was still waiting.
    Life is too short to just settle because you are afraid to be alone or make the next step. Just my opinion but I would ask your BF to go to therapy and see what happens.
    Take care.
  5. I will give you my answer, from both a psychologist's and a womans perspective, since I am both. First, don't look for a right/wrong answer here. Often, we assume that if we "do the right thing" we will suddenly feel great, but in truth often doing the right thing is very painful. I hate to say this, but you need to assume that he might show some short term change, but his intertia in life by now is pretty much locked in. So, you have to decide if this is how you want to live for the rest of your life. If so, you most likely will be the designated driver in this relationship. In other words, you will make more money, you will assume control of household duties, child raising issues, and so on. While I am only getting your side of the story, this man sounds like he might be perfectly happy pretending like he is 23 forever. I think at this point you might want to give youself a deadline, like 8 months, to make a decision. And dont' get locked into the "we have known each other so long" trap, cause that does not make a realationship. Good luck.
  6. Wow gill - that is sad.
    I think super is headed in the right direction by going to therapy. That will keep you focused & therapy wil teach you coping skills & confidence.
    If you decide to leave, do it now,please don't wait. You are still young enough & there's plenty of men out there for you to pick from.
  7. It seems that you are already doubting the future with him in your life. If you don"t even have common interests or goals, I'm thinking maybe you're wasting your time. You have to decide if this is the man you want to be with 10 years or 20 years later. Talk to him and let him know how you feel. But you can't change another person. You can only change your point of views. I'll pray for you....
  8. ^Thank you so much girls, I really appreciate reading your answers !

    Gill, I am so sorry for what happened to your cousin.

    Irish, it's totally true what you are saying, and goes in the same direction that what my psychologist says, and I know I have been OK being the driver in our relationship until 2 years ago....yes people change..... and I sort of lost focus and became depressive.
    Now I also know that I have to work on myself first (that's what I do) and not waiting for a man to make me happy, but maybe the man is stopping my self development.....hard to say. And yes he is not growing up ,I am still immature myself but...he only thinks of planning his next big birthday party with friends -they are married, dads, so it's not like he is badly influenced-

    Cutestmom : I talked to him about how I feel, but he avoids the discussion so it's me and my speech, he thinks I need to go more to therapy, it's normal I am depressed so I tend to be negative about a lot of things blablabla (part of it is true)
  9. I feel for you! but you already know where this is going, because by going into therapy you acknowledged to yourself that something wasn't right-if you let yourself admit it(IMO) you have outgrown him, I only say that because it happened to me once and how strange that was as I was 12 years older than him! The only way forward through the maze that is life is having some self-knowledge, good or bad-I hate to quote Dr P, but "you can't fix what you don't acknowledge." Now the acknowledgement/awakening may have been a long time coming, and you are a lot younger than I am, but inertia in humans I have known seems to be a permanent thing-and people come in and out of their lives, depending on how much time they can stand still-I hope you continue your quest for inner peace all your life, because being truthful with yourself about what you want is not bad-it just seems that way because the present situation isn't going to fit into it! I feel for you, I would not go through it all again (she says!)good luck!
  10. I think IrishGal is SO RIGHT!

    An additional idea to consider:
    Why not get your own apartment and live by yourself for awhile while you think things through? This wouldn't be a decision to break off with him, just a decision to live by yourself since you haven't really done that yet as an adult. Living in a different apt would give you the alone time you need to determine what you really want and need to have a happy and productive life. Separate your and his money so you really are living independently.

    I think you are very smart to be in therapy.

    Good luck!
  11. Honey, you are only 28, you have a lifetime ahead of you, and you have to be good to yourself and take care of yourself. You are the only one who can decide whether to stay with him or not but make that decision based on whether you truly love him and want to spend your life with him. Do not make that decision based on what anyone else thinks, therapist and family included, and do not make it based on fear. If you fall in love with your self and how special you are then the right man, be it him or another, will be in your life. Best wishes and prayers for you.
  12. I don't want to tell you what to do in terms of leaving or staying, but I applaud you for thinking and for going into therapy. If you really love him, no one can tell you to leave, but don't stay just out of habit. Also, if you want marriage and he doesn't, that's a huge problem. I think it's a good idea for him to follow you to therapy and show that he wants to work with you.
  13. I think ProfNot's idea of moving out to be on your own for a bit is something that you can consider. It'll be give you more personal space, and let you see how living without him will be like.

    Sometimes, it's easier to see more clearly when you take yourself out of your comfort zone.

    Whatever happens, it's most important for you to be happy. Don't be afraid to make that happen! :smile:
  14. First of all thank your lucky stars you don't have a child together ( because then I'd never advise this)....but it's time to move on, and in doing so he will either grow up or not. You are 29 now and I believe that after 25, something in you just changes. You have a grand opportunity at 29 to go out there on your own, be a strong independent woman, and perhaps find that prince charming that will give you everything you desire! You never know, maybe it will be this guy when he realizes "mommy" isn't there to do everything for him.
    Good luck!
  15. OK.....I must say I have a hard time sleeping these days....
    My best girlfriend introduced me to her boyfriend (it´s the man of her life) during XMas and we spent 2 evenings all together with my BF.
    Her BF, who is older and seems mature, told her afterwards (she just emailed me yesterday) -and you know it´s like the best girlfriend judging the new BF while the new BF judges his GF´s bestfriend, and give feedback !-
    so he told her that, despite my BF being super cute and nice we don´t match well, that I would need someone more confident, and who values more my "intelligence than beauty"......I really don´t know what that is supposed to mean, and I would ignore that last bit, he thinks I am intelligent and pretty, but my BF is definitely one of the very fews who had passed the appearance thing that I used to be stuck with in the past.
    That reinforces my doubts.....