Ring Wrestling

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katieny

katieny

O.G.
Jun 15, 2010
1,309
664
#1
Hi guys,
I have had a debate for the last 5 years with myself about my wedding rings.
I thought you all at TPF would understand.
When I had my baby girl 26 years ago, my husband upgraded my solitaire to .50.
I wore gold braided ring guards with it which was the thing 30 years ago when we married. Somewhere around 18 years those guards broke and I went looking for something new. I found a 4 stone wrap that matched my diamond. The wrap was about a half of a carat.
5 years ago for our 25th my husband surprised me with a Princess cut three stone ring.
He didn't pay attention to carat but when I looked at it I couldn't see that it was any larger than the ring I had been wearing. The little .25 wedding band that looked good with the wrap and solitaire no longer looked good with the three stone ring so in fact I was down .25 in total carat weight for my wedding rings.
He bought the ring in a two tone which would not have been my first choice. For the last two years I have Rhodium dipped it so at least it is all white gold. I decided last week that teaching is too hard on the Rhodium because in 4 months it has to be re-dipped. I took it to my jeweler to get a new shank in white gold so I won't have to dip it as often. I asked him how big he thought it was in TCW and he said it was a carat. Which is what I had suspected 5 years ago.
Here is the thing.
We just celebrated our 30th anniversary and I thought by now I would have a bigger diamond. I am frustrated that 5 years ago he wanted it to be a surprise. I would have used my original diamond in a three stone ring if that is what he wanted to do. I would have him get a .50 for the other side and gotten something larger for the center and at least been ahead in TCW. I would have done it in WG or in Platinum. He didn't even get that it was important that my little anniversary band didn't look good anymore. When I mentioned it he said. "I just bought you a ring." He was content for me to wear the new ring as engagement and wedding ring in one. Even my plain old wedding band looked terrible with it.
I didn't get a bigger diamond for my 30th. We went to Tiffany and I picked out two things because we are in the midst of a bathroom remodel.
I don't want to sound ungrateful. He takes very good care of me, (he got me a fabulous diamond bracelet for Christmas) but I just don't think that he gets how important the wedding ring is to a jewelry collector. I don't want to wait 5 more years to bring up the subject of another diamond. My hands aren't looking any younger. ;) My dream when we got married was to at least have .75 center stone, but now I would like 1.25 for the solitaire with a diamond band to go with it.
I will bring it up at some point but I don't want to hurt his feelings. I think he forgot he bought me the wrap and thought he really was upgrading 5 years ago.
I didn't have the heart then to tell him I was already at 1.25 carrots TDW.
I love the three stone (or will for sure once it isn't two tone) and have picked up different inexpensive wedding bands to go with it but I just would like to have my forever ring.
Know what I mean?
Thanks for understanding.
 
#3
I would just tell him point blank that if funds allow you would love for your 30th to be a significant upgrade to the center stone, one that you select together, and you don't want it to be a surprise, you definitely want it to be together.
 
#4
Did he know what you wanted or intended for your e-ring? My DH didn't have a clue that I'd even be interested in an upgrade until I brought it up. But I agree with ame; you need to be direct with him because a lot of men don't have a clue about jewelry, and many aren't even interested in learning, so it is crucial you choose it together. If you start to hint and then bring it up gently so it isn't a total shock, he probably won't be hurt.
 
#5
Yea the less you dance and hint, the better. He might be hurt either way, but you have to let your intentions be known or you're just gonna sit there stewing over it.
 
#6
You should tell him what you want. 30 years is a very long time and you should not wait any longer to get you really want. Maybe he just does not know what you want, men is not good in reading the hint/ sign etc or mind-reader though.
 
#7
Have you perhaps also saved some 'jewelry money' for yourself. That might help to bring it up and select your dream ring together. But you need to be clear and direct in what you want and make a jewelry plan. (Are you intending to sell one of you current rings or not... and what ring exactly would you like). And then when he's in a fine mood you will say:

'Oh have seen such a dreamring at the jeweler when I was there to repair/alter/dip my current ring!! I think this would be sooo nice for our anniversary AND birthdays and Christmas for the next 3 years honey!! I intent to use some money I have saved as well dear. Shall we have a look together this Saturday?'

He will probably be open to it as he at least seems jewelry minded, suprising you with rings and other jewelry, but you need to be clear in what you would like to have.
 
#9
I agree with everyone else here. I totally felt your heartache over this in your post. 30 years is an amazing milestone!! Be direct with what you want. I'm not a big fan of surprises. Only if its surprising me with one of my provided options. lol.
 
#10
Yep! ^
Gotta be direct. Like, really direct. And don't let yourself be persuaded that you're being unreasonable. You're not. Try not to let your frustration with the situation show too much because it can easily turn into a conversation about you being ungrateful or some such nonsense if you become too emotional. I've noticed that men are really good at that. It's like they all took a class on how to make women feel silly or something.
Be firm, but kind because the menfolk can be sensitive. ;-)
Keep your voice even toned.
After 30 years you deserve to have the ring you want.

Oh, and also with men offering different choices is good too. Like, do you want to go pick it out together, or do you want me to find what I want on my own?

Notice not getting your ring is NOT one of the choices. ;-)
Good Luck!!!
 
#11
This is what I decided to do for the time being. I took a bunch of old unworn jewelry in and sold it for $1,600.00. I had him change the shank on my three stone ring to white gold.
I picked it up yesterday and it looks like a new ring. The old shank was a comfort fit which although comfortable was bulky. This new shank is thinner and much more me.
It didn't cost me any out of pocket cash because of the gold.
I think the other thing I want to do with the remaining cash is get my original 1/2 carat set in a new ring for my right hand. I almost exclusively wore my grandmother's art deco diamond and sapphire wedding ring on my right hand. The jeweler said the sapphires are chipping and it will mangle it to put in new sapphires. That ring is 90 years old.
Thanks so much for letting me put into words my minor frustrations. I will bring up the subject next spring. I'll give him a year to recover from a major bath reno. :graucho:
 
#12
:hugs:

I'm so glad you got your ring reset and next year will be able to tell him what you really would like!

It's a very important, symbolic piece of jewelry, one most women wear everyday.

It's nice if it is a ring you really love and enjoy every time you look at it!
 
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