Jessica Simpson is quoted in the Times magazine (whatever the hell that is) saying that her ex husband Nick Lachey ummm lets see how to sugarcoat this has virtually no penis. Yeah, turns out theres no way to sugarcoat that.. Jessica says: "Nick didn't pack too well if you know what I mean, but I got over it." And two days ago, she is quoted as saying: "Nick's small package "Nick's small package was a problem sometimes, like the first time we had sex, to tell you the truth, I didn't really feel much, I faked the whole thing, I really felt sorry for him, I still loved him though." When asked about this, a top mental health doctor said, "Nick should probably kill himself. We rarely recommend that, but, seriously, she said she couldn't feel anything." This is also another reason I desperately want to sleep with Jessica Simpson. I'd be following an infant. She'll think I'm huge, almost no matter what. Whereas if I was about to have sex with Paris Hilton, I would tie a rope around my waist . Have someone on the other end, work out some kind of code. Two pulls on the rope means I'm in danger, one means I need more air, that sort of thing. And when I yell "on belay" he needs to tighten up.