Please tell me there's life after divorce/breakup

[crochetbella]

I am going through an awful time right now. Next week would have been our 15th anniversary. He has been going back and forth on whether or not he wants a divorce. But I know I need to be the one who is strong enough to make a decision and file. But I am scared to take such a big step. I know I have to get out of this craziness and away from the lies. I just want peace in my life.
Please tell me if you have any stories of how much better your life is after a divorce/breakup. I need courage!!!

 

[bobobags]

Divorce was seriously very hard for me.....I was only 24 yo. I had 2 small children at the time, but I needed to make the right choices not just for me but my babies.......I decided to file. It was hard knowing my children had to sleep in a new place and they couldn't be in their home but it was peaceful!!No more arguing and fighting, The money problems started to come in but they all seemed to work themselves out. I had to work harder and more, but in the end everything turned out great!!! I got our home back, I met a wonderful man who I married And I love dearly, we had a child of our own and he brought into our family his three children, we now live all together, With all the kids and making the right decisions for them.... it's a little hard but everyone gets along most of the time except the 3 girls fighting for clothes,makeup, telephone,and who is gona get on the computer first, everything is pretty much settled and great. Now that I look back........Divorce was the best thing for me and my kids......They see their father, receive child support, and have a step-family that also cares for them. You will get through it!!! Good Luck with everything. I wish you the best.

 

[purplekitty]

I wish you the best of luck during this time. I know it must be difficult, but remember everything happens for a reason. Good luck!

 

[merika]

But I know I need to be the one who is strong enough to make a decision and file. But I am scared to take such a big step. I know I have to get out of this craziness and away from the lies. I just want peace in my life.

Since I don't know what precipitated your breakup, I don't know why you would want to file for divorce. Is it a matter of pride if he said he wanted a break and somehow now you have to go ahead with it no matter what because he hurt your feelings? Can you both go to counseling instead and work it out somehow?

I'll tell you that it was hard work recovering from the breakup. I got very depressed and had to go on medication. It took a long time for me to recover from my marriage. It was my decision to not be with him anyway as it was an abusive relationship, so I just gritted my teeth and got on with life for about three years. Even with all the negative factors affecting my marriage it was still hard.

I met my SO three years after I split from my husband, and sometimes I actually do still miss my ex. There are some situations where I think "I could have talked this over with X more sensibly than I do with SO". I'm being very honest here, and I don't think SO would appreciate it if he read this!

Life is good now. I'm economically independent, something I wasn't when I was married, and something I'll never let go of again. That alone has given me a lot of strength. I've become more hard hearted. I'm not the loving and naive person I was when I married first and believed and trusted in a person, and I don't think I'll ever be that person again. My son is happy, he loves SO a lot and we have a life that is quite content.

I'll never look at a man and think "oh, he'll love me and take care of my for the rest of my life" again. That part of me is long gone.

 

[crochetbella]

Thanks everyone. Merika, it's complicated but when you get right down to it he doesn't respect me and I can't trust him (for a number of reasons). You are so right about being financially independent.

Bobo, I am so happy that everything worked out for you. This is what I am hoping for myself...peace!

Purple, thank you!

 

[Pursegrrl]

...as much as I don't usually post such personal things I will say that we are at a crossroads right now. We've been arguing a lot over a lot of the same things. I'm hesitant to share a lot of details but there are some major issues we need to deal with together or else we won't survive as a couple. We're not engaged or married but we're talking about it. We can't get there until we get through a few major hurdles. We're worth it.

 

[Pursegrrl]

...but to answer the OP's question, you bet there is life after. Only time gives us that perspective because I will tell you when you're just post-breakup you feel like absolute S*** and that nothing will ever be right with the world again.

Before my current relationship, I got dumped after 8 months. Dumped hard. It was extremely humiliating and I felt like a huge failure. But in time I realized there were huge red flags I should have paid attention to and dealt with directly. I'm glad that relationship didn't continue, but it took me a good year or so to be able to say it!

 

[crochetbella]

Thanks Pursegrrl. i hope that you will get over those hurdles soon!
I know, I kept ignoring red flags for years. Now I realize that my life will either stay full of worrying/doubt/heartache or I need to do something about it and make a change. I'm just having a really hard time taking that step because I do still love him. But I can't live like this anymore.

 

[rileygirl]

I got divorced at 29 after being with him for 8 years (3 married, 5 dating). It was a very hard time for me. I avoided everyone because I didn't want to have to explain. The divorce started amcicably enough and then turned down right nasty. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to face. During the time of my darkest hour I ran into an old love who also had just gotten divorced. ALong with his support, the support of friends, and the support of family I was able to survuve with my sanity. That was 5 years ago. We're married with one child and another on the way. I feel stronger, know what I want, and know that there's nothing that I can't overcome. You'll have to go through some dark times but in the end you'll be okay. I am a true believer that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Please free to PM me if you need to chat.

 

[rainrowan]

I wish you well and wish you patience. Divorce/breakup can be difficult to get through if you've invested much of your identity in the marriage.

I wanted peace too, and I asked myself is holding on to him giving me peace, or is it a fact that I have to fight for his love that's giving me conflict? It took me almost 2 years to finally get out of the slump after the breakup of a long-term relationship. So, there is life and a better one at that, but it takes time to heal.

 

[Roo]

Yes, there is life and you'll be OK. Your life is defined by YOU and not other people. It's when we allow that to happen that we get in trouble. Take control of your own life back and you'll immediately feel better. It is really hard to make that decision but once you do, you'll feel a huge weight is off your shoulders.

 

[Sternchen]

I have never been through a divorce, but I have been through a bad breakup with the guy who I thought I was going to be with for the rest of my life. It is hard at first to start to be on your own and learn how to depend on yourself again, but you can do it. Just be patient and take it one day at a time.

It will be okay and you will be okay. Good luck to you!

 

[crochetbella]

I wanted peace too, and I asked myself is holding on to him giving me peace, or is it a fact that I have to fight for his love that's giving me conflict?

This is exactly where I'm at. You are so right.

Thank you all. I gave him way too much power over my life and I need to take it back and be strong on my own.

 

[merika]

I wanted peace too, and I asked myself is holding on to him giving me peace, or is it a fact that I have to fight for his love that's giving me conflict.

Very true. I think every woman feels that when her marriage is in crisis. I felt like I was playing mental chess with my husband all the time: ie. if he does this, then I can do this, this or this to keep him. Else if I do this he might do that...KWIM? And it was a game that had no winner, and we played it for every little thing. I think I finally made peace with myself when I realized that.

 

[*Lo]

Well i've personally never been married but i was in a 6 yr relationshop with someone who i lived with for 3 & 1/2 years, and it was hard and I actually had to bite the bullet and move back in with my parents afterwards, and let me tell you i was sooooo scared, i knew i should have left him a long time ago but i was too scared to leave, until i had to, and all I can say is that its not easy at first but there is no situation worth sacrificing your happiness. It got easier after a while but i am so much more successful, happy, and just a better person because of it. I dont know what your situation is but I am just saying think of yourself first because no one else will