Okay, tell me what you would do! Help w/DH

[fabae]

Let me try to make this short. Read all the way through before you think I'm awful!
My DH has been on my case lately about money. I have banned myself and have been really good, but, yes, I spend money on groceries, just bought summer clothes for the kids, and went to the eye doctor. And I pay the bills. Sure, it looks like I spend the money. He's honestly just a nervous wreck about having money when we retire (35 years from now!) so he can be nit-picky about everything. Let me add that I do have a job (and shouldn't I be able to spend some of my paycheck without "answering" for it?), that he always freaks about money no matter what it's spent on, and that we make a good sum and have no problem paying bills and saving.
Now, I had my eye on a bag, but wasn't buying because of that reason and because I wanted to wait until I had the cash in hand. Now, said bag is off the Coach website and not at my local boutique and they said the chances of them being able to get one for me are slim and none. However, I did find the bag online somewhere else. So, do I just give up and let it go and hope it pops up on ebay a few months from now, or do I order and have him FREAK when the box is delivered via UPS?
I thought about having it delivered to work, but I'm a teacher and school ends Monday after next....and that is really sneaky, too.
Opinions? Don't beat me up too harshly!

 

[Susan says...]

Well, if it were me I would buy the bag. But, I am really bad that way, and wish I were like your husband. I guess it depends on just how much you love the bag. Maybe you can sell a bag you dont want anymore on ebay, or something else to help make up the money spent. That way you are both happy.

 

[L etoile]

When is your birthday? Maybe you can order it as a b-day present to yourself from DH!

 

[i<3handbags]

Wow groceries? You reckless spender you!

I wouldn't sneak, but I would tell him enough is enough. I would sit him down and have a serious talk about what you feel is reasonable. I would even show him a budget of how much comes in, what goes to necessities and savings, and how much you can afford to have fun with.

 

[HauteMama]

You ought to discuss a budget with him. Everyone deserves to have money to spend that they need not "answer" for. Spending money needs to be budgeted in. As long as the bills are paid and the retirement funds are contributed to, all is well and you each deserve a little something extra. If you spend all of your time worrying about the future, you miss the present.

 

[boxermom]

No beating up! Some people freak out about spending any money at all (I have a brother-in-law who has made his family's life miserable over this). If you are paying your bills and also putting money into savings and hopefully the kids' college fund, then it's no crime to spend some money on something enjoyable.

I absolutely believe each partner deserves to have a certain amount of personal money they don't have to get permission to spend. You and dh can discuss that and let's hope he can see that he's in a partnership; he doesn't get to dictate how every dollar is spent. (a Coach isn't at all unreasonable!)

Good luck!

 

[bite_pilka]

I would not get the bag without discussing it with your DH, and it sounds like you and he need to have a talk about money anyway. This sounds like as good a time as any.

In my case, the talk came b/c DH has expensive hobbies and had some credit card debt. Now we both get an allowance each month to do what we want with, no negotiation needed. We have to buy non-necessities out of it - lunch out with friends, starbucks, clothes, bags, camera equipment, whatever. Works really well for us, tho after joining TPF, I think I need a raise!

 

[gettinpurseonal]

I agree with the posters who suggested you sit down and go over the budget to decide just how much he feels is necessary to put into retirement each month, short-term savings, and pay the bills. Then whatever is left you get to split between the 2 of you.

 

[songofthesea]

i totally understand what you're saying...our son has two more years of high school and then it's off to college...money has to be saved right now and even though i work and feel like i can justify buying something for myself because i earn some money, in the long run it's just that much less money we'll have for college and retirement...also, in this economy and with gas being what it is, it's hard...i think that it's a good idea to have a money/budget discussion with your husband so that you can decide together how much "recreational" money you can allow for and what you want to do with it...i hate keeping secrets from my husband...it sometimes feels like "lying by omission"...so, i talk to him about it...we don't always agree and sometimes i just make a decision to do what i feel is right and we agree to disagree, but i'm always glad i shared it with him...and, i'd never beat you up or judge what you decide to do!!!

 

[tanya^luv^purse]

Very good question. I think that you should be able to spend money on yourself (whether it's a bag or something else you want), as long as you are "taking care of business" as far as bills and savings are concerned. On the other hand, about a year ago I was doing research for something and found out that it is advised a couple have saved about $1.5mill () when they reach their retirement age in order to live comfortably. To me that is a mind boggling number but could explain a little why your DH is a tad bit panicked. I tend to forget this little fact too when I shop...

Regardless, it would be silly to assume you would never buy another bag (or groceries, for that matter) so I agree with previous responses that it would be wise to establish a budget with an allowance dedicated towards personal spending and have a talk about where you budget-wise.

Finally, as far as the purse goes, I think that if you found it once, you'll find it again. I've given up purchases I "had" to have only to find the same item again later, or things I love even more than original item...

I hope all works out well for you. Keep us updated.

 

[dcblam]

You ought to discuss a budget with him. Everyone deserves to have money to spend that they need not "answer" for. Spending money needs to be budgeted in. As long as the bills are paid and the retirement funds are contributed to, all is well and you each deserve a little something extra. If you spend all of your time worrying about the future, you miss the present.

Ditto to what HauteMama posted......
The number one "issue" in marriage is conflicts over money, so - having this type of discussion is VITAL to a harmonious relationship.
I'm so thrilled to read here that there's no "tit for tat" attitude being shared because it can be destructive behavior. You both need to come up with a shared/common plan to get all of the basics out of the way, and yes - that includes SAVINGS before "play money". And yes, you do have to have play money. That way - you can spend it on what you want and not get into "messy" situations like this.
Good luck, it's a great opportunity to use this situation as a way to have this overall discussion and yes, do it now since you're motivated.....you WANT that purse!

 

[Trayler]

Great thread and great advice from all the wise ladies here.I agree with whats been said.Good luck and no one would ever judge you for feeling the way you do.

 

[gucci fan]

I agree with the posters who suggested you sit down and go over the budget to decide just how much he feels is necessary to put into retirement each month, short-term savings, and pay the bills. Then whatever is left you get to split between the 2 of you.

I don't work and I asked my husband how can I save up for a bag. We pay for almost everything on amex so he suggested that whatever amount we are under our alotted amount to spend he would put away towards my "handbag fund." This is great for us b/c it encourages me not to spend as much money.

 

[LewLew]

As the other ladies said, you need to put the numbers down on paper where he can see where everything goes and come up with an 'allowance' for each of you. You work, you deserve some spending money!!!! All necessary items are in the budget, the allowance is for no questions asked spending - lunch out, manicures, handbags whatever. As long as the other household needs are being met, he will probably feel better and leave you alone when he sees everything laid out in front of him. I did this with my DH 6 months ago, put all the money that comes in and goes out on an excel worksheet, and it's worked like a charm! He plays golf, I buy handbags! And whenever a box arrives, he just looks at me and I say 'allowance' and that's the end of it!

You'll feel better not sneaking the boxes in, I've done that too!

 

[lark_lulu]

As the other ladies said, you need to put the numbers down on paper where he can see where everything goes and come up with an 'allowance' for each of you. You work, you deserve some spending money!!!! All necessary items are in the budget, the allowance is for no questions asked spending - lunch out, manicures, handbags whatever. As long as the other household needs are being met, he will probably feel better and leave you alone when he sees everything laid out in front of him. I did this with my DH 6 months ago, put all the money that comes in and goes out on an excel worksheet, and it's worked like a charm! He plays golf, I buy handbags! And whenever a box arrives, he just looks at me and I say 'allowance' and that's the end of it!

You'll feel better not sneaking the boxes in, I've done that too!

The above quote is an excellent suggestion. I believe that when working one is entitle to occasional treats without feeling guilt, therefore if your husband is unyielding go ahead and buy the bag you so wish for. We have no way of knowing for how long we will be alive, therefore it is important to enjoy life withing reason.