Non biological Moms how do you handle it

#31
pinkiwhatever99 said:
^Thank you, Roo. I guess I just needed some closure and stop trying to fix something that wasn't broken in the first place.
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You're welcome. I know it's hard and I've been there, and AM THERE regularly. I think that as women we want to be all things to all people, and we want to "fix" everyone by our very nature. I have had real ups and downs with my stepdaughters and I'm sure I will in the future. But I've also had my good and bad moments with my own mother too.
 
#32
you can ignore this is you want, but wanted to offer my view...

i was the stepchild/teen. my family set up's a little different, but trust me, it's an "oddball" relationship from either side :smile: i don't know how the kids act towards you or how often they see you, but it was the little things that made me smile (corny but true). she would always have something in my room for me (magazine, soap, *something* that i knew was from her) but she never pried or imposed herself on my time with dad.

in talking to my step-mom now, i know she was really worried about when to speak up, when to join in, and all i can tell her is that i wish she'd done more. so, i say, feel it out. you deserve to be there, it's your home, too. the more they see you as part of the group at their "dad's house," the easier it will be to form personal relationships with them.

obviously i have no idea nor can i imagine how it feels to be on your side, but i wanted to add input. ignore at will :smile:
 
#33
Katie, that is awesome advice. I know things got much easier for me as a stepmom when we established our own traditions. Both girls look forward to these things and it helps us be more bonded as a family unit. It also makes my husband happy. The other thing I'll mention is that I lived with my husband for almost ten years and we only got married about a YEAR AGO! My oldest stepdaughter was my maid of honor and I made sure both of them were involved in our marriage ceremony. Both girls called me their stepmom from about the first year I was with him, so that was a form of acceptance I can't dismiss. However, there were tough things that are normal with temporarily-insane teenagers that all parents go through.
 
#34
Roo said:
Pink,

There are some situations where you will just have a polite, yet distant relationship with your stepkids. Sadly, that happens and it is not worth it to beat yourself up over it. Some kids, for whatever reasons, will view ANYONE in your position as the enemy. This happens for a number of reasons. One could be that they are being alienated by the other parent, or two, acceptance of you would mean they have to admit their parents will never get back together again. Regardless, you have to salvage whatever sense of YOU that you can, and focus on your marriage and your husband. As long as you've been open to your stepchild, that's all you can do. It's not worth becoming a martyr over and sometimes, sadly, you just have to cut your losses and try to move on for the sake of your own sanity. Many stepmoms pay a high enough emotional price as it is, and I've learned over the years that it's simply not worth it in certain situations.
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ITA with Roo. There is so much that is out of your control and has nothing to do with you. Given the infrequency that you see her, you hardly have a chance to develop and nurture a relationship with her. All you can do is focus on YOU, your marriage, and your husband. Even if you do everything right, you may not have the relationship with her that you want. But that's not your fault, and its OK.
 
#35
katielou07 said:
you can ignore this is you want, but wanted to offer my view...

i was the stepchild/teen. my family set up's a little different, but trust me, it's an "oddball" relationship from either side :smile: i don't know how the kids act towards you or how often they see you, but it was the little things that made me smile (corny but true). she would always have something in my room for me (magazine, soap, *something* that i knew was from her) but she never pried or imposed herself on my time with dad.

in talking to my step-mom now, i know she was really worried about when to speak up, when to join in, and all i can tell her is that i wish she'd done more. so, i say, feel it out. you deserve to be there, it's your home, too. the more they see you as part of the group at their "dad's house," the easier it will be to form personal relationships with them.

obviously i have no idea nor can i imagine how it feels to be on your side, but i wanted to add input. ignore at will :smile:
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Thanks for posting that, Katielou!
 
#36
katielou07 said:
you can ignore this is you want, but wanted to offer my view...

i was the stepchild/teen. my family set up's a little different, but trust me, it's an "oddball" relationship from either side :smile: i don't know how the kids act towards you or how often they see you, but it was the little things that made me smile (corny but true). she would always have something in my room for me (magazine, soap, *something* that i knew was from her) but she never pried or imposed herself on my time with dad.

in talking to my step-mom now, i know she was really worried about when to speak up, when to join in, and all i can tell her is that i wish she'd done more. so, i say, feel it out. you deserve to be there, it's your home, too. the more they see you as part of the group at their "dad's house," the easier it will be to form personal relationships with them.

obviously i have no idea nor can i imagine how it feels to be on your side, but i wanted to add input. ignore at will :smile:
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katielou07, Thank you so much for your input. Maybe I should have added Step Kids out there view points and feelings. Your idea and point of view counts. I appreciate any and all opinions.
 
#38
twiggers said:
When I got married my hubby's kids were 9 & 11. I just kind of stepped back (I stayed in the house during visits though) and let them feel me out. The first visit the daughter thought I was a cool big sister, but we also explained to both of them that I was here to stay and that my rules were Dad's rules too.
They adapted pretty quickly and called me Mom for awhile (which I didn't like because I wasn't their Mom) and now they just call me by my first name.
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sigh... twiggers... That is really a touching moment. I envy you.
 
#39
madamefifi said:
I am the stepmom to two 12 year old boys (twins) and a 14 year old boy. They accepted me very easily and we all get along fine. I don't try to be their Mom--they all ready have one--but when they are in my house they are expected to follow the rules. It helps that my DH is a good,involved father, and I have to give their Mom props, they are well-raised boys. We don't have any major problems beyond the usual teenager stuff. I actually look forward to our weekends and vacations together! And I get on my knees every day and thank God they aren't girls!
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Actually terrified when this moment comes. I afraid my dh will literally throw me out the door when she comes to visit/stay. I left that door open.

I'm so scared my dh is going to just show me my own door out. I know.. My SIL warned me when I started sharing my finances that what was mine is now his split down the middle...

I've already caught a glimpse of this when I visited my MIL for the first and second time. Outsider/bystander.
 
#40
Roo said:
Good suggestion, Bagluver. There are a lot of communities that are very helpful to women in our situations. It is very hard to be in this role as a woman, especially when there have been high-conflict divorces and the children do not live in your home full-time. I've found over the years I've been doing this that a certain amount of emotional detachment is necessary at times. As for the finances, I know other women who have been taken advantage of in situations like this. You have to be very careful about how you contribute and how much because it can create a ton of resentment later.
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What kind of resentment are you referring to? I don't want any finances back. Only thing I know now is that I can't retire anymore. I have tons of admiration for women and families that raise 3 or more children. I'm never going to be a real mom biologically or in this case a step mom. Guess I'm a little upset honestly that the mother decided to work part time. Somehow I ended up supporting both child and parent. She's forever complaining to me about money and so I contribute more every month.
 
#41
pinkiwhatever99 said:
What kind of resentment are you referring to? I don't want any finances back. Only thing I know now is that I can't retire anymore. I have tons of admiration for women and families that raise 3 or more children. I'm never going to be a real mom biologically or in this case a step mom. Guess I'm a little upset honestly that the mother decided to work part time. Somehow I ended up supporting both child and parent. She's forever complaining to me about money and so I contribute more every month.
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The financial stuff is really hard - I've been through all that as well. I can share some personal experiences and advice with you, but prefer to do it via PM since some of it is pretty sensitive.
 
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