Non biological Moms how do you handle it

pinki682

pinki682

have it! keep it!
O.G.
Sep 21, 2006
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38
#1
This might be the wrong place to ask this question. Mods, please delete if inappropriate subject for TPF. TIA

Any ladies out there that are not the biological mom of teenagers? I know it's a little late to be asking this question and probably very stupid. How do teens cope with a new person in their family? Or should they just ignore you as if you're not part of the bigger picture? Should I just disappear everytime a child visits and just leave the parenting to the real parents? I'm quite confused on how to handle this odd ball relationship. :confused1: :sad: :s
 
#3
When I got married my hubby's kids were 9 & 11. I just kind of stepped back (I stayed in the house during visits though) and let them feel me out. The first visit the daughter thought I was a cool big sister, but we also explained to both of them that I was here to stay and that my rules were Dad's rules too.
They adapted pretty quickly and called me Mom for awhile (which I didn't like because I wasn't their Mom) and now they just call me by my first name.
 
#4
You dont sound as if you want to interact!!LOL!Its OK..JUST Find out their interests and have some alone time with them to get to know them.Baby steps..Teens can be evil..I know..I have one....
See how they interact with you.PHH is a step dad to my 16 year old and treats her the SAME way he treats his 10 yr old(His own blood)

You honestly cant tell one isnt his own child!! He has been in her life since she was young though.so its different.
 
#6
I treat my stepkids like I would if they were my own, but I have always made it very clear that they have one Mother and don't need another one. The maternal role model in their lives is not the best, so I'm happy I can offer them an alternative view of an adult woman, and act as a friend and confidante.
 
#7
I am the stepmom to two 12 year old boys (twins) and a 14 year old boy. They accepted me very easily and we all get along fine. I don't try to be their Mom--they all ready have one--but when they are in my house they are expected to follow the rules. It helps that my DH is a good,involved father, and I have to give their Mom props, they are well-raised boys. We don't have any major problems beyond the usual teenager stuff. I actually look forward to our weekends and vacations together! And I get on my knees every day and thank God they aren't girls!
 
#9
Roo said:
I have been a stepmom to two girls, who are now ages 20 and 17 for ten years. What do you want to know and how much TIME do you have? :P
Click to expand...

I have time I have all the time in the world... But, dh is coming home now and dinner has to be ready... I may not be back later to ask and answer...

twiggers said:
When I got married my hubby's kids were 9 & 11. I just kind of stepped back (I stayed in the house during visits though) and let them feel me out. The first visit the daughter thought I was a cool big sister, but we also explained to both of them that I was here to stay and that my rules were Dad's rules too.
They adapted pretty quickly and called me Mom for awhile (which I didn't like because I wasn't their Mom) and now they just call me by my first name.
Click to expand...

That is exactly what I am still doing, letting her feel me out... She doesn't call me anything. Sometimes I don't feel like I matter in either my dh or her life.

Jill said:
You dont sound as if you want to interact!!LOL!Its OK..JUST Find out their interests and have some alone time with them to get to know them.Baby steps..Teens can be evil..I know..I have one....
See how they interact with you.PHH is a step dad to my 16 year old and treats her the SAME way he treats his 10 yr old(His own blood)

You honestly cant tell one isnt his own child!! He has been in her life since she was young though.so its different.
Click to expand...

Jill... That's not fair... I have been interacting for 7 years and paying for it with my time and finances. I was just wondering if I should expect any appreciation for helping her dad stay in contact with her. Besides just being their piggy banks...

:crybaby:
 
#10
I am stepmom to 3 girls - now 16, 14, and 11. I've been married to their dad for about 2.5 yrs. We have a great relationship, but it has not always been easy. How long have you been a stepmom? Early on, I think it's best to give them a little space. You all need time to adjust. Also, I found that they all wanted/needed different things from me. I tried to take their lead and go from there. The oldest was the most stand-offish and needed the most space, while the youngest was, and has always been, very warm and welcoming toward me. At first, I wanted so much to be "Super Stepmom", so I think I pushed too hard. That backfired. But once I took a step back and gave them some space (but still remained friendly and let them know that I was there for them), they came around, and we've developed wonderful relationships.
 
#11
Pink,

It sounds like you need support. I've been there. Being a stepmom is extremely hard. You often feel like you don't have any "role" and are simply a bystander. I have also been through all the financial stress with my husband's ex-zilla. I've been through ALL that, so if you'd like to PM me privately, feel free.

Hang in there.
 
#12
Pink, I was going to send you a PM, but was unable to. I'm a member of an on-line support group for childless stepmoms (I don't know if you have any bio children). It has been very helpful to me. If you are interested, send me a PM, and I will let you know where to find it. I don't think I'm allowed to provide a link from here.

Good luck! I know how tough it can be.
 
#13
pinkiwhatever99 said:
Jill... That's not fair... I have been interacting for 7 years and paying for it with my time and finances. I was just wondering if I should expect any appreciation for helping her dad stay in contact with her. Besides just being their piggy banks...

:crybaby:
Click to expand...

I was just kidding! You sound scared of them!Thats all I meant!LOL!If you have been around 7 years already....has it been that hard to know them? or are they resistant to it?
Every kid is different! Take your time and once you get to know them..They will come to appreciate you I swear!
Phh was terrorized by my 16 yr old for a while....She now looks up to him as her greatest role model..Takes time,patience and lots of patience!Itll pay off- I swear!
Parenting is kind of a thankless job for the first few years..Once the kids are old enough to understand your time and sacrifice..they will appreciate it!
 
#14
Roo said:
I treat my stepkids like I would if they were my own, but I have always made it very clear that they have one Mother and don't need another one. The maternal role model in their lives is not the best, so I'm happy I can offer them an alternative view of an adult woman, and act as a friend and confidante.
Click to expand...

That is exactly how I been trying to make her feel, I don't push. I do feel a little left out. Yes, because she has a real mother. I don't want to replace her maternal mother.

madamefifi said:
I am the stepmom to two 12 year old boys (twins) and a 14 year old boy. They accepted me very easily and we all get along fine. I don't try to be their Mom--they all ready have one--but when they are in my house they are expected to follow the rules. It helps that my DH is a good,involved father, and I have to give their Mom props, they are well-raised boys. We don't have any major problems beyond the usual teenager stuff. I actually look forward to our weekends and vacations together! And I get on my knees every day and thank God they aren't girls!
Click to expand...

I don't know how to fit in and it's going on 8 years. If I attend any functions between father and daughter. She rather have her mom and dad accompany her. And I feel she rather I just stay behind...

ooopss.. dh is home...

be back later... I'm sorry...:shame:
 
#15
BagLuver said:
Pink, I was going to send you a PM, but was unable to. I'm a member of an on-line support group for childless stepmoms (I don't know if you have any bio children). It has been very helpful to me. If you are interested, send me a PM, and I will let you know where to find it. I don't think I'm allowed to provide a link from here.

Good luck! I know how tough it can be.
Click to expand...

Good suggestion, Bagluver. There are a lot of communities that are very helpful to women in our situations. It is very hard to be in this role as a woman, especially when there have been high-conflict divorces and the children do not live in your home full-time. I've found over the years I've been doing this that a certain amount of emotional detachment is necessary at times. As for the finances, I know other women who have been taken advantage of in situations like this. You have to be very careful about how you contribute and how much because it can create a ton of resentment later.
 
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