Need help...DH thinks I love DD more than him and it's true...What should I do?

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  1. Being a first time mum for me is like being in love like never before. I'm so in love with my 5 month old daughter, Trinity. I just dunno how to even draw the limit. I care so much about her that I can be a little protective.. and even when she cries, it makes my heart feels so sad and in pain. I wanna see her happy and I wanna participate in every developmental milestone... Now that I'm back to work after 5 months, I thought I could cope well but apparantly it has started to eat into me. I'm missing her and can;t wait to go home after work.

    Then DH told me today that he loves me and DD equally and he's hurt that I neglected his feelings. But he told me that he still loves me so much even though I love Trinity more than him. What shall I do? I tried to recall our wedding vows and I know I love him so much too. But the love and attention on my daughter is overwhelming...... I think because I'm back to work and I'm love sick. I need some advice from mothers who have been through this phase. is it normal to feel this way?
     
  2. Just a quick post b4 dashing off - the love of parent for their child can't and shouldn't be compared with the love between husband and wife. I thinkyour dh is being a little unreasonable.
    You are totally normal! However, perhaps you need to talk to your dh about spending more time together. Date nights and so on...this is what we did.
     
  3. i agree ^ the love is more which is normal but maybe dh feels a bit neglected

    on a side note your dd is gorgy!! i love the pic
     
  4. I don't think that he's being unreasonable at all. While the two "loves" may in fact be different, it doesn't change the fact that her DH is feeling neglected. Maintaining a successful marriage after kids takes a conscious effort on both sides. Sure, having my two kids was the best thing that's ever happened to me, but I know that it wouldn't have been possible if it were not for the love that DH and I have shared. Part of loving a child, is protecting the relationship between a husband and wife so that the two of you can be the best parents that you can be.
    The thing that really helped me/us was having a second child. Like you, our first daughter was the center of my universe. Thank heavens I got pregnant with my second child when my daughter was 6 months old because having two really helped me put things into perspective. It helped me realize that the focus should be on the family as a whole and not just individuals...
     
  5. I don't think you love her MORE than DH, I think it's because its a different kind of love. I can totally relate to you as far as missing your baby when you're at work (i'm lucky i only work weekends when my kids stay home with my hubby) cuz I miss mine like crazy when I'm there! My coworkers look at me soooo strange when I say things like "i just want to smell Lily's little neck." LOL I mean, YOU know what I mean right?? lol She has her own smell and i just want to cuddle her at that very moment. (usually the ones that look at me cockeyed don't have children!). My suggestion is to maybe put aside some time specific to you and your hubby. Some alone time or a date could help his feelings significantly. Now, if you simply don't want to bother making time for him or don't feel the need then there might be deeper issues there.. If that's the case, you may want to consider some marital counseling to work out those feelings and make some kind of way the two of you could work through this together. Being new parents is a BIG change for a marriage and sometimes couples need a little "tweaking" to make it work! ;)
     
  6. Very well said...
    DH and I have been trying very hard to make "us" time. After DD goes to bed, we'll watch a movie or talk about the day over a glass of wine. While DD is OUR most amazing accomplishment, we wouldn't have gotten to this point without the strength of a happy, fulfilled marriage. Just try to remember balance. I think it's hard when the baby is little and relying on you for everything. My husband is extremely supportive, but there is only so much he can do to help (especially if you are bf'ing). Now that our daughter is a little older, she LOVES her daddy and I don't think he feels quite as "left out" as he did in the beginning. I feel that in order to be the best parent I can be, I also need the love and support from DH and to be the best wife I can be too :biggrin:
     
  7. I agree with what mostly everyone else had said. The love for a child cannot be compared to the love for a husband. But have you been neglecting DH? If so, you def. need to set aside time maybe after DD goes to sleep and dedicate it to your DH. But the love that you feel for your baby girl is unconditional...no matter what she does you will always always love her the same. This does not apply to your DH.

    I love my husband and I love my son. But the love I feel for my son is on a different level than what I feel for my husband and he feels the same for our son. How can you compare the love you feel twd a little person that was once in your womb and is a reflection of you to the love you feel for your DH? I obviously love my husband and I cannot picture my life without him but we all know how life is and sometimes lovers become strangers. So let's not be closed minded and see reality.
     
  8. ITA w/ vhdos!! Try to be sensitive to your DH, don't let there be an irreparable wedge between you guys. A happy couple makes a happy and healthy life for baby. He's equally important . . . make sure he knows that.
    This is normal for DH's to feel this way and it's normal for new Mom's to get caught up in taking care of baby so much that there's little left over for anyone else. . .. but it's so important.
    Validate him and his feelings, it's best for you too in the long run, especially if you want support from him.
     
  9. I pretty much agree with what everyone else has said. As much as you love her, you have to try to make some time for him. Start by telling him that you understand how he feels and you are trying to find a balance. You haven't been at work for very long so give yourself time to adjust. I have the same issues, when I get home all I wanna do is hold my DD.

    My DH understands though and does silly things, like sits RIGHT NEXT to me on the couch, even though there are like 5 other seats. We also always talk about our day. He also suggested that we have 10 minutes of "make out" time a day, not sex just kissing. I know they sound silly but the little things will make him feel better. Good luck!
     
  10. Of course you have to fulfill your baby's needs since she can't really do anything for herself, but beyond that, you need to be your husband's wife first (in my opinion). If that means putting baby to bed and then forcing yourself to stay up for a couple of hours when you really want to climb in bed so that you and hubby can relax or watch TV or make love together, then you should do that. (Besides, after a long day at work, wouldn't an orgasm feel really great sometimes, even if you're not really in the mood when you start???) If you and your husband work as a team to meet baby's needs, then you might just have more energy and desire to be your husband's wife, instead of being totally wrapped up in DD. It might take a little bit of energy that you don't really want to spend at first, but it will be worth the effort! Otherwise, it might be a little too easy for another woman to turn his head, and then you'll probably be sorry you didn't pay more attention to him when he wanted you to.

    The thing that has honestly been the best for us is that after dinner, I clean up the dishes and the kitchen (and have a little "me" time), while DH gives the baby a bath and puts him to bed. We finish about the same time, and I've had time alone to regenerate (cleaning the kitchen is surprisingly soothing when I've been on baby duty all day!), and DH has had one-on-one time with DS. Then we have a few hours for our together time after that. We don't always spend that time together - sometimes one of us is on the computer or reading, etc., but we essentially go back to the way things were before we had a child for those few hours. It really has helped a lot - DH feels like the baby needs him AND he's helping me (which men love to do), and I am so happy to have a few minutes alone, that I look forward to saying thank you to my hubby after - either snuggling and catching up on DVR stuff or with a little pillow talk, etc... There are nights when I really want to kiss DS goodnight, but I remember that I'll see his little smile in the morning, and that daddy really needs quality time with DS and with me.
     
  11. I agree with everyone else. While I do think that a dh must be understanding for the first few months of a baby's life - a wife cannot be up at all hours, breastfeed constantly, keep house and take care of the rest of her responsibilities without something falling to the wayside temporarily - it cannot go on indefinitely. Your dh is a grown man, so he ought to be able to handle the fact that your DD became the center of your universe exclusively for a while, but at some point you do need to pay attention to your dh and your marriage.

    While I do feel that the love for my children far surpasses my love for anyone or anything else, that doesn't mean that I don't love my dh with all my heart. But love for a spouse is always conditional to some extent - for example, if abuse or adultery or addiction happen, your feelings towards a spouse can change - but love for a child would not (at least not to me). My child could be convicted of a horrible crime and I would still love them unconditionally. So I think it is normal that you love your child "more" than your dh.

    However, without the primary relationship with your dh, your DD wouldn't be here. Without that primary relationship, her world would be less happy and fulfilling. And that relationship with your dh ought to be there even when your child grows up and leaves the home. So your relationship with your dh has to have some attention, too. Around 5-6 months is about as long as anyone can go if they feel they don't matter, so it is time for you to start focusing on him again, too. Tell him that he means as much to you as your DD, just in a different way, and start showing that to him, too. A date night is a great thing if you can find a sitter; the adult time really helps a couple reconnect. Otherwise, start scheduling a set bedtime for your DD, and make it early enough that you have some time with dh before you go to bed. Have a date night at home if you cannot get a sitter you trust. But definitely don't continue to ignore the relationship with him; at some point it can get to the point where you cannot repair it anymore, and that isn't good for you for for your dd.
     
  12. I think theres a difference in the love you feel because you love your son/daughter but you are in love with your dh. My husband felt neglected too because i was the type of wife who lived for him prior to having my son. I always looked good for him, tried to cook his favorite food, he was my priority, i was up for a spontaneous trip to somewhere exotic and suddenly it was like, my hair is a mess, i dont cook anymore except for my son, i dont like unexpected travels cause i have to much to plan and i felt my husband was hurt..

    So, now i try to show him with small actions that he matters too, and that i love him all the same as before.. and the advice the ladies have given you is fantastic. Dont ignore him, tell him you love him and let him help out with your daughter so he feels important too..
     
  13. #13 Feb 23, 2010
    Last edited: Feb 23, 2010
    OP, thanks for starting this thread and vhdos thanks for a great post! i know for a fact that my husband also feels neglected. he has said a couple of times that it seems like i only need/want my daughter. it's sooo hard with a newborn to balance everything and i don't want to put a strain on my marriage, but it's hard to find a balance being a new mom and also protecting my marriage.
     
  14. We need to invest time and effort in the things that matter to us. We invest time and effort in our jobs. We invest in our children. We also need to invest in our relationships. If we don't invest in our relationships, the relationship will slowly but surely unravel--you'll grow apart. I know your time and energy is stretched to the limit. I've been there too. But you still need to show your love to your hubby like you do to your DD. Like leaving special notes in his pocket, whisper things in his ear from time to time to show you still desire him, and maybe setting aside 2 hours a week for couple time once the baby is asleep. You need to spend some effort and time. A little goes a long way.
     

  15. thanks for reassuring me!