Need advice about my son (please be gentle)

  1. I'm feeling very sensitive about this, so please be kind to me. :sad:

    My son apparently has a "friend" in Pre-K (I'll call her "Kayla"). Kayla, like all the others in his class is 4 years of age. He's only 3. As soon as I drop A (my son) off, she immediately grabs his hand.

    My son tells me that she tells him that she is "his girl", and she kisses boy and girl dolls together (is this normal for 4 year olds?!). She calls him Autumn (which he hates, btw), and gets mad when he plays with other children.

    When I come to pick him up, she always hugs him and stares at me while I talk to him. She has big eyes and watches my mouth closely, even from a distance, in a very unnatural, very unchild-like manner.

    When I asked my son about Kayla, he says that she is not his friend and that she talks to him and bothers him when he tries to get the teacher's attention.

    When my son told me his toy bus had a girlfriend this past evening, I flipped out. I'm sure this is Kayla's influence. I swear something is wrong with this girl, and I feel very bad. Felt bad about my decision to work and not stay home, for not homeschooling. I wanted to cry.

    So basically, I spilled my guts to my mother about this pyscho 4 year old and she laughed at me. She told me not to talk to his teacher about Kayla; she said they would think I was crazy.

    Be honest, do I sound paranoid? I'm not used to being around children and I don't know what is or is not typical for them. He is my first and only child, I'm 21, and I'm freaking out about doing a good job! :crybaby:
  2. no, you don't sound paranoid to me.

    It is relatively normal for little girls to make their dolls kiss and such because they see it w/ every Princess in every Disney movie.
    Also, even if he's only one year younger, little girls this age LOVE to protect and "Mommy" younger kids.

    I'd talk to his teacher and express on behalf of your son, his desire to have her leave him alone so the teacher can try and get between them more often and she can move on.

    This isn't about you not staying home or anything else, don't let that start settling in on you.
    You're fine!:yes:
    He has to learn to assert himself when you're not there and tell her to let go of his hand and tell him to ignore her if he doesn't want to associate w/ her. You'll need to explain that to him and support him in speaking up when she tries to control him a little.
    But the teacher needs to also know of his feelings about it so she can intervene and pay closer attention to them.
  3. Aslan! I just noticed you were the author of this! LOL!
    Can you imagine I don't even look usually?

    You're doing a great job, I have no doubt, little girls can be pretty assertive.
    We all just want everything to be perfect for our children, I'd agonize over it a little too.
    I do w/ my DD. I quietly stress over her friendships and her lunchroom experience, then recess. . . . just want her to be happy!
  4. Thanks, Swanky! :heart:
  5. Nicole (who is also 4) exhibits a lot of the same behaviors as Kayla regarding the kissing, holding hands, and boyfriend girlfriend thing. I think it's fairly normal for little girls (and maybe even boys) to make their dolls kiss. They see it everywhere. Mommy & daddy kiss, Cinderella kisses the prince, etc. I don't see what's so unnatural about it? Nicole also tends to be very mothering, like Swanky said...She tries to take care of the younger kids so they won't get hurt, which could come across as being bossy I guess.

    I really wouldn't say anything or try to interfere with Kayla and your sons' friendship. Do express to the teachers that your son has been complaining that she bothers him if he wants to say something to the teacher, and that you think that this should be addressed...But other than that, what Kayla is doing sounds pretty normal to me :smile:
  6. Did I tell anyone about the conversation my son (I'll call him A) had with me & SO when he was in 1st grade?

    A: Will (friend) has a girlfriend. Her name is Abby.

    Me: (flabbergasted, but trying not to show it) So what does it mean when you have a girlfriend?

    A: They sit together in the cafeteria at lunchtime and sometimes she kisses him

    Me: (still trying to act normal) Oh

    SO (to A): So do YOU have a girlfriend?

    A: Yessss.............

    Me: WHAT? I mean, you do? Who is she?

    A: It's PRIVATE.

    (At this point I'm like "Huh?". SO is all for dropping the subject, but I'm thinking a hundred things. I've been brought up in a very conservative culture, and I'm now thinking did I bring this kid to the US and make a horrible mistake? Why is he talking about girlfriends when he's not even 6 yet?)

    Later in the day I decide to tackle him again about this "girlfriend".

    Me: You know Dad and I want you to be safe, and we want you to be happy. So that's why we'd like to know who your friends are. (Hypocrite!) I'm not going to be mad that you have a girlfriend, but could you just let us know who she IS, just because we like to know your friends?

    A: It's Eliza

    (He has been to camp with Eliza 5 months before, and gone to her house once after that)

    Me: (rather slowly) So does Eliza know that she's your girlfriend?

    A: NO!!!

    PS: Aslan, when they are around 6+ they start doing 'boy things' and basically don't want to have anything much to do with girls for the next few years.
  7. my daughter exhibits similar behavior, although she plays with little boys in a more tomboy-like way

    i'd just ask the teacher to see if they can spend time apart, so your son can have a little "breathing room" maybe she can ask the little girl to sit with other students
  8. Thanks, all. I'm going to write the teacher a note about Kayla giving my boy his space.

    Swanky, what you said about him "mothering" A makes a lot of sense. I can tell that Kayla has a very dominating personality, and my son is very agreeable. Kayla is 7 mos. older than him and she's also significantly bigger (my son is small, even for a 3 year old because of his multiple allergies/restricted diet).

    I also never thought about Disney movies. As a child, I never watched movies or TV, and only around 8 or so did I vaguely come to know that boys and girls kiss in a way that different from the way I kissed my parents.
  9. I am so not ready for this type of conversation!
  10. Swanky said everything I would have just hugs to can be so hard sometimes!
  11. I think its pretty normal for you to feel this way about your son's friend - My 5 yr old has a "girlfriend" named Michelle. Shes the cutest little thing, but when the love letters started coming home (purely innocent, a heart with his name on it and her phone number) the momma bear in me started to come out. So one day I asked him about it, he said she's his girlfriend, I asked what that meant and he said he loves her becasue she's so pretty. I asked him why he thought she was so pretty - he said "she looks like you momma" This kind of clued me in that kids this young have no idea, they act on what they see at home - my son was drawn to her because she looks like his mom, he had no idea what the word girlfriend meant. I watched them together one day, and she was so mothering, holding his hand and leading him around the play ground, just like a little momma! I bet that is what this little girl is doing too, as others have said, and it's probably pretty innocent.
  12. If you are uncomfortable with this sort of behavior, then teach your son that "hugging is for friends and kisses are for family". A lot of pre-schools/pre-K centers enforce this rule.
  13. while I agree w/ some people about girls getting the boyfriend/girlfriend bug early and it being "normal" and innocent, these 2 comments are important:
    He is expressing disdain for this 'relationship' and it can actually, even this young, affect his performance at school. I don't mean grades, I mean being social and wanting to go to school.
    Even little things like this can make a child throw a fit in the morning trying to et out of going to school.

    If it just bothered Aslan and her baby was fine w/ it, I'd tell her to let it go probably. Bbut he seems to be trying to reject it, he needs a voice I think:yes:
  14. don't worry what she is doing is pretty normal for girls her could have a little talk with his teacher so he doesn't become distracted in school
  15. My sons have just gone through this age (they are 7 and 5 now) and I can attest to the fact that little girls will take charge if anyone lets them! They will even attempt to cow adults if they see fear in their eyes! So I wouldn't be concerned that the girl is not normal.

    However, I agree with Swanky about your son's reaction. He is younger and she probably views him as someone she can take care of and (I mean this in the nicest possible way because I don't think girls this age are malicious) boss around. You need to teach him how to properly voice his opinions (i.e. "I don't want to play with you right now. Please go away.) and you might want to express your concern about him being uncomfortable to his teacher. That way they can probably arrange to keep her in a different small group from his or not let her be his partner in school activites.

    This can actually be a great learning experience for him in how to deal with overbearing "friends". My son deals with a boy who wants to be his friend and his ONLY friend. He tells my son he cannot play with anyone else. We have worked on this at home, and now my son will happily say, "Sorry, but I'm playing with Cody this recess. Maybe I'll see you later!" and run to play with who he chooses. It has been a long road, but it will serve him well in the long run.