My Thanksgiving was ruined

M

monicamacatubal

O.G.
Jun 30, 2006
567
0
#1
I have to vent! I want to call the Dr. Laura show but her show is not on yet!

I married a Philipino person and I am a Native American/Mexican. Now, I never really clicked with my husbands family I DREAD all holidays with his family. ALL of them speak perfectly well English, they are all professionals. But I just think it is rude to speak a different langauge when there are others that can not understand it. It seems they puposely exclude me from their conversations. He has a rather large family but they are not close at all. Some of his family members will sit on the couch for hours at a time and not talk at all.

Now, I am a stay at home mom and MY personal opinion is that I want to raise my kids- I do not want them in daycare. BUT my sister in law has her son in daycare 12 hours a day and asks me why I do not work. She gave me a dirty look when she noticed I had a Louis Vuitton bag. I remember when I started creating life that they started asking my husband when I was going to get a job. I guess since his mom worked when they were kids, I am supposed to "work" Since being a SAHM is NOT a JOB.

I am just giving a little back ground so you all could see where I come from. One if his nephews started making fun of my then 4 year old daughter for being a Native American. I mean just being a total ******* and down right cruel and making racist remarks. We were in front of my husbands mother and I expected ONE of them to say something but NOTHING. I wanted to punch that kid(he was 18) in the face, my poor daughter did not know what to do. When we got home I cried, I was so hurt and angry that nothing was said. I told my husband to call the nephews mom but it was his older sister and he wussed out. My point is, there is alot of this in his family. They think is it funny to make fun of my now 6 year old daughter and me for being Native AMerican or for being a sahm. I told my hsuband that I am a ticking time bomb and I going to tell his family off next time this happens and he KNOWS I will.

NOw back to today. WE planned on going to his side for Thanskgiving since my fmaily is going to be close to Vegas and I did no want my husband to drive so I told him we do not have to go. HIs mom called yesterday saying one of his sisters has to work so Thanksgiving is cancelled till Sat. (WTF- WHO "cancels" Thanksgiving?") But she always leave messages in Tagalog, so I can not tell him what she is saying, he has to come home and listen to it. So we planned on taking the kids to the movies and out to dinner here. I was happy because his family lives about 2 hours from hereso less driving. SO his mom calls and says well there is a party now and the sister did not have to work, etc. you can come now.
AFter they cancelled it? It just seems rude to cancel and expect us to go. I talked to his mom and she said we better come and I told her we are not and she wanted to know why but I gave the phone to my husband and she started yelling at him. SO he decided to change the plans he made (taking the kids to the movies, dinner) and he says ok.
I was so pissed and I told him no I am not going we already have plans. The kids did not want to go so they stayed with me. SO he left us with no car, no money on Thanksgiving! His family is ssoooooo important to him that he did not even go, he went to go gamble.
SO yup, my Thanksgiving sucked.
monica
 
#2
Oh monica, that sucks! I'm so sorry that happened to you. Ugh they sound like a nightmare. How can an 18-year-old make racist comments to a little girl? That's so disgusting. I hope your husband apologizes for tonight, but at least you didn't have to see his psycho family.
 
#4
I'm sorry this ruined your day. I know you can't choose your family but you can choose wether or not to spend time with them. I got very lucky with my inlaws but my husband did not so we try to minimize the time we have to spend with them to as little as possible. Family ties can be very strong but your husband has to realise that you and your kids are his main family now.
 
#5
sorry to hear that! i think that you should talk to your husband and make him see your point. i feel that it is really rude of anyone who speaks in a different language infront of someone who can't understand it.
 
#7
I'm really sorry about what happened to you. As a Filipino myself, I am appalled by that kind of racism. I hope it doesn't completely damage your opinion of Filipinos in general. I am wondering if this could be because they themselves have been on the receiving end of racism. I know some Filipinos who, having encountered racism directed against them, choose to act in the same way toward other races. It's a self-perpetuating "victim" mentality that, ultimately, is destructive and keeps them from enjoying and learning from other people. Or perhaps it is just plain ignorance. Either way, there is absolutely no excuse for it.

As for the rudeness, clannishness and being judgmental, I encountered that from my father's side of the family as well. I suppose the difference was that my father tried to shield us from it. We rarely visited them during holidays and grew up closer to our mother's side, where people are more open-minded, loving and accepting. For your sake and your children's, I pray that your husband learns that he MUST stand up for your family, or else your children will bear the scars for life.

And you know what? DO TELL THEM OFF. There is no need for you to suffer in silence. If he will not stand up for you and your children, then it falls to you to be the strong role model for them.

I do wish you the very best in this unfortunate situation.
 
#8
I am so sorry about what happened. I think it was terrible for your husband's nephews to make fun of your daughter! I dread those family parties too and I am close with my family. :sad:
 
#10
I think you should talk to your Hubby about this. It's not going to help if you just shrug it off. His side of the family needs to get a clue. They probably forgot you're not Filipino. It tends to happen, believe me...I'm Filipino. I practically grew up here but I'm still fluent in Tagalog and Visayan. I know alot of my friends and relatives who choose to speak Tagalog because it is what they are used to. I have Korean and Vietnamese friends and everytime I'm invited to their house, I encounter the same thing. I don't mind at all because my friends often translate or they remind their Family that I'm around. Anyway, my point is, we don't mean to make you feel out of place. It's probably not your in-laws intention to make you feel like a sore thumb.

As for the racist remark, well... that's just wrong. He's 18 and he should know better. I don't believe that he was taught to be that way, though. Next time he does that to you or to anyone in your family, talk to him. If you're not comfortable about confronting him, tell your husband.
 
#11
What happens in family gatherings is that when they start talking and they are quite fluent in another language, they switch around. They do try to speak the language everyone understands but there are certain expressions or words that cannot be translated to English really. And in gatherings like that, native languages come out easily too. I am with my BF's family for Thanksgiving and his father and his friends speak Hindi. I don't and neither does he or his mom. We don't mind because it's just a comfort level of speaking his father has with his friends and other family members. When we do speak to them, it's in English.

Racism is no excuse though. I'd say something the next time it happens. If you wait for your husband to say anything, it might never happen. From my 18 years being born and raised in the Philippines I can tell you that people do not like saying what they really think to other people especially if it has a negative tone to it. Filipinos are very nice and hospitable people but they're not as blunt, so to speak, with not so positive thoughts and opinions.

Marriage is not an easy thing and it's a commitment between two people. I already know that if BF has to choose between me and his family, he'd choose me. If he didn't, I wouldn't feel comfortable marrying him cause I have trouble standing up for myself especially to people around me that I know. Do talk to him about this and work it out. I'm appalled that he didn't say anything when a racist remark was made about his own daughter.
 
#12
wow thanks ladies. It helps to hear your stories that relate to mine. When it some to his side of the family- he can't find his balls. He told me that his nephew was "joking". He has made comments about my daughter around his parents that were rude and his parents laugh. THey are so proud of their racist son. I guess that is why I do not feel comfortable telling his family off is because no one will back me up and everyone including his own parents think it is hilarous. But like I told my sister- anything, dirty looks, remarks- I am going to be the pycho "Native American" and go off. Since obviously I have alot more balls than my husband.
I understand that it is their own language and I feel that you should speak it. But when you use your language to puposely make another feel left out- it is wrong.
I dread the holidays and bring alot of reading because I know I will have no one to talk to! They could at least show an interest in me but I guess I am boring! SO now I am the body guard to my kids since no one esle protect them- I have to follow them around and shield them from the *******s in his family.
Thanks Ladies!
monica
 
#13
They probably don't know that it's offending you. That's why you have to speak up. Don't be afraid that no one might back you up. If you're in the right, say what you have to say. How else will they know that they've offended someone already? And I'm sorry that you think they're proud of their racist son, because Filipinos are not like that. I can guarantee you that.
 
#14
ACK, he sounds like he's a mommy's boy.... WTF? I'm sooo sorry you had to go through that. I think it's f*cked up that he left you and the kids... he needs to learn to stand up to his mom and stand by your side.

This is what I learned.. Filipinos, especially old skool ones grew up w/only Filipinos around them... they were never exposed to different cultures/nationalities. When you're only exposed to your own race, of course there are a lot of ignorance that comes w/ that..... BUT it is your husband's job to break that cycle of ignorance by standing up for you.... it's not cool that he just sides w/ them.
 
#15
piquedame and others have given you some good advice.

The most important thing at this point I think is to get some communication going between your husband and you.

If anyone is making inappropriate remarks about their heritage, he may not be thinking of it in these terms, but those are his own children.

We don't know how his father handled that kind of thing, maybe he will want to reflect on that - will he want to follow his father's example? Or use it as a lesson in how to to better?

And are the children learning Tagalog? And Spanish? If you are fortunate enough to know your tribe/s, how about those languages?

I am very sad that you would have such an experience on a day that so many families who share your heritage ;) are making into a time to honor and celebrate the world's indigenous peoples.
 
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