My son fail a drug test...WHAT SHOULD I DO?

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  1. He is 19 yrs old, and he apply for a job and they required a drug test and he fail it. I'M HURTING SO MUCH, and don't know how to handle this situation. I have 3 boys and he is the oldest one, I'm so confused and numb inside that I don't know what to do. We have problems because of his attitude, he doesn't want to follow house rules, not sure if he still attending college....I don't trust him no more, but I'm afraid if I kick him out of the house that this drug usage becomes worst. But at the same time I don't want to put up with his **** no more. My whole world is falling appart, the other day my husband was about to hit him and I got in the middle because I don't want to see them fighting. I don't know what we've done wrong but I fail as a mother.....can't take this no more and belive me he doesn't care when he see me crying and when I tell him to please get along with the family and he told scream at us "I'M NEVER GONNA LEARN"....this is so hard and painful.
  2. Yup, sounds like tme for tough love. I'd tell him to straighten up in MY HOUSE or pack up. You can buy home drug tests at the pharmacy and keep track of him that way. He needs to get a job and/or go to school and grow up. If he can't do it and can't respect you and his dad in the house, than it's c'ya later. I'm so sorry for your pain. I can't imagine. My babies are still little, and it's easy to give this advice now, but so much harder when you're actually in the situation. I hope you get some peace w this soon.
  3. I guess it kind of depends on what he tested positive for. Are we talking pot or are we talking meth?

    Let's be honest, not many kids really want to follow the house rules, and a lot of those same kids turned out just fine. So try to keep that in mind. This is probably just a stage in his maturity. Some of us have to act like idiots in oder to be better people by learning from certain mistakes.

    Oh, and I wanted to say, his actions aren't a reflection of your parenting. There are so many other influences in his life and unless you lock him up 24/7, there's really no way you can prevent him from being negatively influenced by things. Don't beat yourself up over this.
  4. i think at his age, he either needs to follow your rules or leave.
    and you didn't fail, he most likely was influenced by friends, etc. However, does he have any goals or dreams for his life? Why doesn't he want to go to school and have a career?
    Is he depressed?
    I really don't think it matters what drug he tested positive for, all illegal drugs are illegal, and he needs to stop using them at once. as he can see, it affected him getting a job. If he stops now, goes to college, likely he can have a productive life.
    Maybe family counseling would help.
    I would not, however, allow him to live in my house if he continued using any kind of drug or starting fights, being rude, not working/school, etc.
  5. If there is one thing I've learned, it's not your fault....unless you are feeding him the drugs yourself, or knowlingly giving him money to buy them.

    There are so many negative influences out there....and it takes only one bad day with one bad friend who has the drugs, to get started on them.

    You have to put your foot down NOW. You said you have other kids in the house. By letting him live there and talk to you in that tone and have a disrespecful attitude, u are teaching your other children that this is acceptable behavior.

    If u choose to let him live in YOUR house, get the drugs tests at the store and randomly give him one....Give him a deadline to either get a job or back in school or BOTH, follow the rules, and pass the drug tests. AND MEAN IT. If he fails to meet these conditions within that time period, then he needs to pack his bags.

    Yes, you will be worried. sad. hurt. scared. mad. BUT you cannot become an enabler to him, and that is exactly what u will do if u allow him to stay while doing drugs, drinking, being disrespectful, etc.

    He will learn. It may take a short time, and it may take a long time. But he has to grow up and be responsible. You did your job, and now its his.

    I wish you much luck, but stick to your beliefs here.
  6. Thank you so much for responding, and it is so hard and painful because we all want your kids to be okay in life. I haven't talk to my mom and sisters in 3 months because they don't like the way I dicipline my kids. They make me feel guilty and I already had it with them. I already went to counseling because all this is affecting me big time. The hardest part is that I don't know if I should kick him out or not, because I don't want this drug problem to get bigger but at the same time I don't want this to affect my other 2 kids. Really your advice has helped me a lot, because now I understand that it is not my fault.
  7. Im gonna tell u straight up. Because I have dealt with this.

    U are making excuses by saying "The hardest part is that I don't know if I should kick him out or not, because I don't want this drug problem to get bigger".....

    The drug problem will get bigger whether he is living at home or somewhere else IF he chooses it and wants the drugs.

    And yes, it will affect your other children if you allow him to live there while doing drugs. U take a big chance of them learning from him what they can get away with with YOU.

    Step up NOW!
  8. OP, please answer this question, as I think it will allow us to give you better advice.
  9. Pot....
  10. #10 Sep 15, 2010
    Last edited: Sep 15, 2010
    I don't think it matters what drug it is, a drug is a drug and regardless of what drug it is they ALL can lead to problems. Sure, some drugs are more serious than others but just because it might be pot doesn't mean that the OP shouldn't worry about it as much or allow it.

    OP: I think most everyone here has provided great replies. I would recommend laying out the rules in your house if he is to stay there and making him follow it, otherwise he needs to leave. He is an adult and is responsible for himself now. If he is to stay, he needs to get a job and/or go to school. I'd also make him do random drug tests since obviously your trust is broken with him and you have other kids in the house to worry he will influence. If he refuses or fails, he's out.
  11. Time to put your foot down. He knew he was applying for a job and a drug test is part of job hunting these days.
    Time to get tough. I know you hurt and this makes you cry, but if you let him dictate your behavior, he wins.
    Tell him straight up that he will be subjected to home drug tests and will be out finding friend's couches to sleep on if he doesn't straighten out.
    Have you watched "Intervention" on TV? One thing the interventionists keep showing us is that this problem affects the entire family and that the family must show the user that they will not enable his behavior by giving him a bed, money, room to make excuses.
    Good luck OP. I'm so sorry this is happening.
  12. Many many years ago I had a cousin who experimented with drugs (can't tell you which b/c i dont know exactly). My aunt was devastated...I'm talking sleepless nights waiting for him to come home, constant fight, etc... Eventually she had enough and she put her foot down. She would lock up at a certain time and if he didn't make it in by then he had to spend the night in the streets, locked up fridge and cabinets, he could eat whatever food she provided (she wasn't going to let him starve) but he no longer had the luxury of choosing what he eats or even snacking on whatever he likes unless he purchased it, no money for anything etc...These were drastic measures but it was the best thing she could have done.

    Eventually he was forced to get a job to support himself and learned responsibility. He met his wife (of about 18 years) in this job, she introduced him to the church and his life changed for the better. He is now a minister, moved to a different state and thanks his mom for what she did.

    I know its easier said than done but you have to try. There are 2 other kids you have to worry about too.
  13. I will do it, I already wrote everything down...this way I don't forget anything. I'm working on being strong and not weak in front of him. If he refuses on the things I want him to do....HE'S hurts like hell, but I have to do it for myself and my other two kids. Thanks everyone...GOD BLESS YOU!!
  14. I think you've received some great advice here and I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you and praying for you and your family. Be strong and lay down the law. Everything will work out :hugs:
  15. i don't know where you live, but in our city the "medicinal" marijuana sellers (100's of them) advertise openly in the back of our weekly entertainment & campus newspapers. they have coupons for free medical "evaluations" they give a list of acceptable ailments....all you have to do is say you have a headache!

    they even deliver, and i believe the age of consent is 18

    i have no idea how to explain to our children that this is illegal, when it is so common and openly used in our city. it makes me sad.