Miscarriage, stillbirth and neonatal loss support thread

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  1. I am hoping this thread can be of use to those learning to cope with the loss of a little one, be it miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal loss. Vent, ask questions or just reach out to a fellow member who is hurting.

    :hugs: :flowers: :heart:
  2. :goodpost: :heart:
  3. This is a great idea...

    I just miscarried over the weekend and am still going through it. My story is a bit of a whirlwind as everything happened so fast.

    I was almost 10 days late on my period and I took 2 HPT. One came out negative and the other a faint positive so I made an appointment with the gyno. I was already set to see a different gyno because I wasn't satisfied with the one I was seeing but figured since this was an emergency situation to make an appt with the one who knew my history. I went to see him all the way in Brooklyn from manhattan and he told me I was pregnant and showed me on the sonogram. He was very cut and dry and urged me to stop taking my medication and proceeded to show me pictures of babies with birth defects ( completely insensitive). When I left I was very nervous he didn't do much to make me feel at ease and it was a surprise. My fiancé and I were scared but excited already discussing names and all the fun stuff. Around 2 AM the next morning I was feeling very crampy so I got up and when I went to the bathroom I was bleeding and I was alarmed but against my better judgement went back to bed thinking it was spotting. I was awoken again at 6 AM with excruciating cramps and very bad bleeding so my fiancé paged the gyno and when he called me back he tells me "it's very early what is going on?" I explained the situation and my anxiety and all he tells me is "take a Tylenol and lay down" I was so shocked and unsure of what to do so I called the other gyno's office and explained the situation and they told me to come in. I waited in a room full of happy, glowing pregnant women while I was bleeding and knew deep down inside that I was losing my baby (even though part of me still had some naive hope) the doctor examined me, took a sample and then gave me a sonogram which confirmed that I was indeed miscarrying. I cried so hard. I felt disconnected from reality. On the drive home the other gyno office called me and it was his receptionist (8 hours later mind you) to ask if I went to the ER or not and we have to wait for the blood test results which I asked how long it would take to get them and she answered 5-6 business days. I went home, layer down and cried uncontrollably while this whacko gyno kept calling my phone. Finally the next morning I answered and it was his receptionist telling me how I wasn't pregnant and I was just having a "bad period" they completely lied to me because he was afraid of a lawsuit apparently. So now I am really torn apart I am trying to cope the best I can with everything going on only to have what feels like a cruel joke played on me. So I called the new gyno and she said that it is 100% a miscarriage and I was 6 weeks pregnant. When I told my mom she called the crazy gyno office and asked to speak to the doctor and the receptionist replied "he is out of the country he won't be back until the 28th" this was all just insult to injury.

    Anyway, this is the hardest thing I ever had to deal with. I can't do anything but cry. I can't sleep anymore and barely eat. I couldn't even get up to go to my follow up appointment today because getting dressed is too difficult a task. I don't want to hear another person say "everything happens for a reason" because I find that to be a very patronizing thing to say to a woman going through something this hard. I feel changed, not in a good way. Traumatized, perhaps? I can't even watch TV bc if I see anything baby related I feel like dying. A week ago there was something beautiful growing inside of me and now there is nothing but emptiness.

    Sorry for the long post...I just needed to let it out.
  4. I'm so sorry for your loss. You poor thing. What a dreadful experience you have had/are having. The doctor you saw sounds like a complete horror. He's just made this whole situation so much more difficult.

    I had a loss too, years ago now and I understand the bolded very well indeed. Also not being able to do anything, least of all watch TV in case there was something about a baby. I wore the same clothes for a week, I was just paralysed.

    Try to take care of yourself in whatever way you can manage, I know it sounds silly right now but you are also healing physically so you need to stay hydrated and somewhat fed. I cried so much that I became mildly dehydrated, and that doesn't help matters.

    It's so cruel, and deeply unfair. My heart goes out to you darling. :heart:

    I am just so sorry your baby isn't with you anymore :sad:
  5. thank you so much for the kind words and support coco belle.

    I think we can only understand the bolded when we have experienced it. I never imagined this happening so I never actually gave much thought to how emotionally and physically distressing this whole experience is...

    It is cruel and unfair and now I am afraid to even try again bc I don't think I could ever withstand this again...

    I am sorry for your loss as well...thanks for understanding.
  6. I lost my twin boys in November at 24 weeks. I had some unexpected funneling of my cervix at 20 weeks and had a cerclage placed in. I was on strict bedrest for a month. I went into labor at 24 weeks and had my two sons. My first son lived for 9 hours and my second son lived for two days. Everything happened so fast and unexpectedly. I had to be transported to a different hospital and delivered by a doctor I didn't even know. I feel my experience has traumatized me. I had a c-section and was in the hospital almost a week. My heart ached harder than I can articulate in words. While my second son was alive they had me pumping to try and get my milk to come in. My milk came in a day after my second son died.

    I went home empty handed and broken hearted. I tried doing the support group thing and I'm not sure that's the thing for me. I went to their holiday memorial service and I felt like I was going to faint. I screamed with grief during the service. My heart couldn't take it. (At that time it had only been two weeks since I lost them). I started individual session with a grief counselor and I'm doing alot better. Our sessions along with the things he has me to do have been very helpful in my healing process.

    I still have a hard time looking in their memory boxes and looking at their pictures, but I'm taking things day by day. I'm just now beginning to have better days rather than sad ones. The day my last son died I thought I'd never smile or sing again, and just yesterday as I was driving I found myself singing to the radio, and I smiled.
  7. I am so sorry for your loss. You are very strong to get through a trauma like that. I do hope that with every passing day that it becomes easier to smile.
  8. I want to thank you all for sharing your experiences and sincerely hope it can help someone else, this is like a sisterhood that all of us would much rather not be part of.

    I miscarried at 12 weeks. I was having a difficult time at work and Was really stressed with the amount of stuff I had going on. We were so excited when we found out I was pregnant so quickly after getting off of birth control and I told everyone because I was showing very early.

    That morning I had some very faint spotting and thought it was odd so I called my OBs office on my way in to work and she said go to the ER immediately. I went in and had the lab and tests done and saw the ultrasound tech type "no FHB" on a still shot of my baby and I was hoping it didn't mean what I thought it meant,but when she refused to give me a hint as to how he baby was doing I kinda knew...

    I had told DH not to come to the ER since I thought I'd be in and out and would probably be out on bedrestbut then the dr walked in and said that the baby had stopped developing 2 weeks prior and they could not find a heart beat ... Statistics talk followed by you're young you can try again and I was left alone to get dressed. I had to call my husband and tell him and I remember feeling so guilty, I couldn't look him in the eyes. I locked myself in the room and kept crying until it was time to pick up my son from school, it was raining and I thought how perfectly that coincided with my misery.

    Over the next couple of days I had to follow up with mg OB and I went in and had to see a nurse to see what was next. This woman walks in and says "are we ready to listen to baby's heartbeat" and I started to tear up and shook my head and said no, she responded with "oh is it too early?" And I said "why don't you step outside and read my chart so you can find out I was told my baby died" and got up and left. I was so furious. I got a call saying I needed to do labs every day to make sure my levels were dropping and I couldn't ... They said that I needed to let everything pass and blah blah blah but it never happened.

    I had a D&C almost 3 weeks after because my body was rotting from the inside out. I had to get back to life so I had to put all my feelings away toile everyone else comfortable enough to be around me. Those who told me "god had a different plan, or everything happens for a reason" are out of my life... I cannot stand to see them r talk to them. There were others who shared their experiences with me and others who simply said I'm so sorry, and i so appreciate them. I had to move on fast... Keep managing football teams, working, taking kids to school cooking, cleaning and sobbing every day when I was alone.

    Sorry for the long post... I had never shared this much before.
  9. I'm hoping you find yourself singing and smiling more often.
  10. Gottaluvmybag - thanks for sharing. My heart goes out to you. I understand how you feel about some of the things people may say. When I was in the hospital everytime a nurse would come on their shift they'd walk in and say "I'm sorry for your loss, can you pull your gown up so I can check your incision?" I was sooo tired of hearing "I'm so sorry for your loss" In my head, I started throwing an imaginary rock at the person who'd say it. I know that's bad, but that's how I felt.

    They put a white rose on our hospital door (I'm assuming it was to let all staff know we had lost a baby) and everyone would walk in and say "sorry for your loss" and then get to whatever they came in there for. It became so generic. I appreciated it when a person said it and it was genuine. Sometimes they'd reach out and just hug me. Sometimes they'd be fighting back tears as well, and even come back to my room to check on me. So I do appreciate genuine condolences. It was hard. I started to feel like a zebra in a room full of beautiful horses. Everyone had their babies but me.
  11. I'm working on it :smile:
  12. It definitely can be very traumatizing. I do want to urge you to take care of yourself. I do understand not wanting to eat. I almost stopped eating while in the hospital but then they noticed I wasn't eating, so I ate because I just wanted to go home. After getting home I slept for what seemed like three days straight (I was exhausted). I stopped eating for a few days after I got home. Just seemed like my heartache was bigger than my hunger. My DH noticed I wasn't eating and he had a talk with me. He told me what a beautiful person I was and how strong I was. He told me I was his hero, having endured everything I went through. But he said we had to "live" and the best way to memorialize our boys is to "live" for them. Live life. He told me after losing our boys he can't lose me either. He said he was okay with me grieving and to take as long as I needed. But I must take care of myself. I started to eat again and do better. We started to see a grief counselor soon after that.
  13. Hello Sisters.
    I have suffered 3 miscarriages. My first was after I had already had 3 healthy pregnancies and births. I remember feeling odd when I was about 10-11 weeks along. I lost all of my pregnancy symptoms. When I went to the doctor the ultrasound showed no heartbeat and it looked as if the baby passed away at about 6 weeks. I opted for a D&C since I never passed the pregnancy. I remember that time being so tough. I especially remember one of the nurses speaking to me a bit insenitively when I went to have the D&C. She assumed I was in to have a procedure after a botched abortion. She then asked if my husband had any relation to me. He and I are not the same ethnicity so I guess she needed to clarify for herself. It took awhile to move past the ordeal. I got pregnant with my 4th son 4 months later.

    My second miscarriage took me by surprise. I only knew I was pregnant for about 2 weeks before I lost my baby. I noticed for a few days spotting and then had a textbook miscarriage. Definitely sad because I just got use to being pregnant. I did end up getting pregnant with boy #5 about 3 months later.

    My last miscarriage was really heartbreaking. We weren't planning another child because our 5th child has Down's. I figured I needed to be available to him for all of his developmental training. I had no idea I was expecting again until we were at Disneyland. I got on Space Mountain and the strangest feeling came over me. I confirmed my pregnancy and was really excited to welcome another child. I went to my first check-up, heard the baby's heartbeat and everything looked perfect. Two days later I recognized the spotting I had with a previous loss and just screamed. I scarred my poor son who was 11 at the time. I just started weeping because I knew I was going to lose my baby. I went to the emergency room where the loss was cofirmed. I was so hurt behind losing that baby. I cried for days. After going back and forth over whether or not to have another we decided to try one time for another baby. We were blessed again with another pregnancy 4 months later. That is boy #6.

    I love and miss my babies I lost and know I will see them again one day in Heaven. It is hard, however, to think that if they hadn't left I wouldn't have my youngest 3 sweeties. They don't take the place of my three angels, but I am so greatful and fortunate to have them as well as my oldest three boys. I am also thankful that I have my lovely angels to love.
  14. The loss of a pregnancy can be absolutely devastating, but these sweet boys wouldn't be here if I hadn't miscarried. They are by no means a replacement. They are still amazing gifts. So are their older brothers. Love to all of you!

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  15. I crying reading this thread. I can relate to you all.

    I'll post when I'm not so emotional.