MIL totally crawled under my skin last night, but I survived it!

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  1. About a year ago I heard MIL telling someone that she "raised" my son. Prickles went up everywhere for me, but I bit my tongue (but did come rant here just to get it off my chest.) I realize she watched him for us and that she was a HUGE part of his life, but to hear it like that just rankled.

    Well, last night we were out to dinner with MIL and one of her friends who was visiting her. She said, "well, you know I was with X more than anyone at that age." OK...this time it was a GOOD thing we were heading out the door so I could rant in the car to myself (DH was driving in the other car with them)....

    Later DH said that her memory is inaccurate, but he just got annoyed by that statement because she remembers everything the way she wants to remember it - forget accuracy. I got annoyed because a. it's not true and b. I think it's saying I wasn't there for my son growing up... and c. I tried REALLY HARD to be there as much as possible for him and this makes me feel like it wasn't enough.

    So, to myself I was mumbling.. I stayed home with him the first year and at the age she was talking about I worked a door away from where she watched him, so most days I saw him when he wanted to show me something or I stepped back into the house, etc..

    I worked only 6 hours a day 10-4 and during that time I had an hour lunch from noon to 1 pm where she would have lunch with us, so we were both with him and I was parent. So... she spent 5 hours with him a day of awake time alone and I spent 9 hours with him of awake time M-F. I always watched him on weekends...

    So total for the week for her is 30 hours of awake time alone and total for me was 45 hours M-F and with weekends added in 73 hours of awake time.

    This was my raging last night... so after I raged I said to myself, "Ok melissa, but she was a big part of his life and what does it hurt that she remembers it as "most of his life"... if it makes her feel more important, if it makes her feel good... what good does it do to burst her bubble? You know the truth and that's all that really matters.... who cares if she tells her friends othewise - what do they matter to me?

    I was so proud of myself for being able to talk myself down from my 'angry' spot in 30 minutes or less! All I feel now is that I think all her memories are somewhat jaded/misremembered which DH has been telling me forever....

    So... I'll just smile and take all the stories with a grain of salt... I don't think she's as perfect as she remembers herself being.
     
  2. Gosh, I didn't know we were related LOL... I think you handled things well. The best thing to do is what you did, just bite your lip and move on. These type of people have an insecure need to feel important and will warp their perception of the world to a.satisfy their own insecurities b.berate the DIL. For you to try to reason with her would be similar to telling the psychiatric patient that there is no man sitting on his shoulder.
    Good luck. I feel your pain, I really do. But remember, she won't live forever. She'll live a LONG time (these types of people find a way to hang on a LONG time), but it won't be forever!
    And don't second-guess yourself as a mother. That's what she wants you to do. It sounds to me that you spent a LOT of time with your kids, and more important is the quality of the time you spend with them.
     
  3. Gosh, good for you! I would not have been able to exhibit that much self control - lol.
     
  4. I've had 15 years to learn to deal with MIL though.... I think I'm actually getting good at it! :yes: But I still needed to rant.

    That and the other day she told our piano teacher (her next door neighbor - not really friends, but they are friendly with each other) that our place is a huge mess and she would die if she had to live there.... Now WHY did she have to tell her that???? We are in the middle of a bathroom remodel, a partial kitchen 'work', flipping bedrooms and so on, so yes, things are a bit chaotic, but MAN... fortunately, our piano teacher is a sweetheart and said she thinks it's exciting that we are getting to do what we want with our house and she can't wait to finish hers - she GETS it... but my MIL and her big fat mouth... oh well... she nothing better to do I guess :rolleyes:
     
  5. Wow, you did a great job being the better person! Let her have her little stories and memories, as long as you and your son know the truth (ie: don't let her memories confuse him). I am not saying to contradict her, but if it comes up, gently remind your son of all the things you and he did together as well.
     
  6. Wow! Sounds like we have the same MIL! LOL!
    I actually work part time as a high school teacher and my MIL and my mom watch my kids while I do so. I work every other day, leaving the house around 7:45 and getting back around 4:00. My MIL watches my kids every OTHER week, so around 40 hours each month yet she also made the same comment. My skin was crawling as I restrained myself from saying anything back. After 9 years with my husband, I have just learned that this is the way she is and I just have to accept it....thoughtless comments and all.
     
  7. My MIL came to visit a couple of months ago for a week. Her first response to my 8mo old daughter being in the 75% for height and 50% for weight was, "Your breastmilk is no good." My 3yo son eats a lot but happens to be one of those super-skinny kids. Anyway, she held in her thoughts about him for a while (I work 4 nights a week, keep the kids part-time during days if I have the energy plus have them all weekends, cook meals from scratch every day which she doesn't believe, do all the cooking/cleaning/bills, and oh yeah, I make 4X as much as DH...)... and at the end she could hold herself back. Her "compliment" to me was, "When I first saw Andrew I thought you were not cooking good food for him to eat. But now I see he eats a lot and it's okay. He's just skinny." :cursing:
     
  8. #8 Jan 14, 2009
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2009
    My MIL does absoultley nothing when she comes. She wants to go shopping all the time. Doesn't go out of her way to put her dishes in the sink or help with anything. If it takes a little bit of effort to do something she won't do it. Constantly *****es about her family being older and who bad they have gotten about repeating things yet tells the same story over and over. God help me!!!! Okay sorry to highjack your thread BBB, but I barely could stand the four day visit last month.