Maxim Presents: The Worst Love Scenes

  1. Just because a movie is rated "R" for "nudity and sexual situations" doesn't mean you're always going to get a loin-heating treat. You might actually be getting . . . some of this:

    8. Casino
    Lovebirds: Joe Pesci and Sharon Stone
    Pairing Stone with Pesci is like watching a chihuahua hump Yao Ming's leg. It doesn't matter that Stone's desperate mob wife was willing to do anything together hands on wealth, this coupling is a crime against nature and physics. Although it is rumored to be a favorite of Tom Cruise's.

    7. The Cooler
    Lovebirds: William H. Macy and Maria Bello
    If you asked 10 random women which actor they would like to see buck naked and screwing a cocktail waitress, not only would zero of them say Macy, at least seven of them would go out of their way to say "Anyone, as long as it isn't William H. Macy. Bello went "warts and all," too. But, c'mon - would you work out as strenuously if you knew your costar was only going to be Macy?
  2. 6. The Shining
    Lovebirds: Jack Nicholson and Billie Gibson
    The only thing more frightening than Jack's make-out session with the mold-and-sore-covered octegenarianin the bathtub is the notion that, at some point, he also had sex with Shelley Duvall. Yeeesh. That kind of thing would make us lose our sh:cursing:t, too.

    5. Kingpin
    Lovebirds: Woody Harrelson and Lin Shaye
    It's the kind of setup that has launched a thousand porn movies: Poor tenant can't afford the rent, has to come up with "some other way" to appease the landlord. Unfortunately, the tenant is balding loser Harrelson and the landlord is nicotine-stained Shaye. Is it any wonder that going south on her veiny, decrepit womanhood haunts Woody for the rest of the movie?
  3. 4. Gigli
    Lovebirds: Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez
    Leave it to "Bennifer" to ruin every man's fantasy of being able to lure a hot lesbian onto "Team Hetero." With two words - "gobble, gobble" - we know exactly why he ran into the arms of Jennifer Garner and she shacked up with Skeletor. We haven't seen chemistry go this awry since we tried to mix crystal meth in our dorm microwave.

    3. National Lampoon's Van Wilder
    Lovebirds: Ryan Reynolds and Cynthia Fancher
    Why is this pairing of young stud with toothless, hairless authority figure worse than Kingpin? Because Reynold's play to seduce a tuition-payment extension out of Fancher turned out to be completely unnecessary. But at least he now knows firsthand what whiskey, cat piss, denture cream and sweat smell like up close. We're thinking "potpourri."
  4. Blahh; none of these can compare to the love scene in The Notebook.
  5. 2. Crash
    Lovebirds: James Spater and Rosanna Arquette
    Regardless of how distasteful most of the previous couplings have been, at least they all involved the use of natural human orifices. In Crash (David Cronenberg's movie about car crash fetishes, not the racism lecture penned by the rich white guy), we have the unfortunate pairing of Spater's penis and a huge gash in the back of Arquette's leg. Sorry, even we have limits.
    (When I first watched this scene, I was a little put off. But after a while, my thought from a medical standpoint was, "You know, that's not going to heal properly if you keep doing that.")

    1. Nip/Tuck
    Lovebirds: Julian McMahon and Rosie O'Donnell
    Rosie. F:cursing:cking. O'Donnell. Having sex. On camera. It's nice to see that Satan is getting some directing work on cable. We don't know what kind of bet McMahon lost, but having to hump O'Donnell - who can't even shut up during this, either! - is a fate worse than Fantastic Four. When will Barbara Walters finally shank her backstage and end this torture for all of us?
  6. That scene from Showgirls in the pool should have been on that list. It's not sexy, and I doubt that's even physically possible!
  7. I think I puked during that Nip/Tuck scene. It's just wrong.
  8. The only one of these I've seen is the one from Nip/Tuck.
    I agree with it being in the number one spot. Ugh.