Master degree or Marriage

Riima

O.G.
Feb 17, 2009
188
21
Hi, newbie here, I just want to know what you ladies have in opinion regarding marriage age and so on.

So, basically I'm 21 years old and have graduated July last year (for my bachelor degree), and for the past year I have absolutely no idea what to do in my life. All of my friends who have graduated either waiting for their BF to propose or claimed to have been 'working' with their dads or helping their parents' business. I am still single, and have no problem with my status whatsoever. On spring'10 I am going to US to continue my study, I have always love the idea of meeting new people and encountering different culture (and of course do a little bit of soul searching). Few of my friends have mentioned or wondered if perhaps I am too old to be pursuing another degree, I live in a culture where girls should marry at 23 or 22. The thing is I have this way of thinking when you get married and have kids, then that's it. Life's over. Of course I want to meet my significant other, fall in love and have cute babies, etc. But do I have to do all that before I'm 25??
To be honest I am a little bit afraid of the social stigma, even yesterday when I told my cousin that I am going to continue my study, he was like "aren't you afraid you're going to end up an old spinster?"

Seriously, I know there are huge culture differences between western and eastern (I am Asian), but isn't this a bit much? Now I am getting nervous about my master degree since everyone suggest I should go husband hunting

What do you think ladies? Appreciate the insight :smile:
 
Last edited:

Jeneen

born this way
O.G.
I'm sorry, I if I sound a bit culturally ignorant to your particular situation:

Can't you do both? I pursued a post graduate degree and a serious relationship... now I'm on the verge of being engaged and I'm currently employed via my degree. It wasn't easy, but I did it.

If you come to the US to study, and want to end up marrying someone from your culture, we have lots of great, smart, funny, Asian guys here!

Think outside the box of your predecessors and do what feels right for YOU.

PS to your cousin - there are no guarantees in life. If you get married young, or old, it won't guarantee that you will not end up alone. You need to be satisfied with your own choices.
 

Dawn

seriously?
Moderator
O.G.
Sep 2, 2006
26,292
1,345
United States
i've been married for almost seven years and will finish my graduate degree in May. i don't understand the need to choose one over the other.
i don't recommend 'husband hunting' over pursuing a master's degree...

when i was young, i thought i'd be married and have kids by age 25. i didn't get married until 27 and i'm 34 now (and no kids yet). sometimes life gets in the way of our big plans! :yes:
 

mellecyn

O.G.
Feb 28, 2006
6,973
1,598
I was just reading a book about finding "your element", your passion....and it says there is at some point some outside influence that will come in the way of achieving your dreams, thinking of what´s best for you from their POV and you have to be prepared to face this. It´s HARD to get out of a social/cultural group.
What do YOU secretly burn for ? What do you want to do first ?
At the end of the day, you can do both and you will do both ! On the broad perspective of things, you´re only 21 !! You have forever to find a husband and have kids, don´t go hunting....go after your dreams and let love come to you instead. It will happen naturally.
 

HauteMama

.
O.G.
Sep 22, 2006
11,483
438
I completely agree with the PP. Continue your study; travel; pursue your dreams! In doing so, you will be far more likely to find a man compatible with a woman who is educated and bright and ambitious instead of one who wants a woman to stop her education (and her life, it seems) to be a wife.

Your life does not stop once you marry and have children, of course; life isn't "over". But it is a huge adjustment, and I think you should do a lot of the things you want to do before then, if possible. The cultural difference is huge, too, and in the US age 21 and 22 is considered SO young. Please don't give up your dreams. Continue your study, travel, and marriage and children will come later (you won't end up an "old spinster" unless you CHOOSE it).
 

Magdeline

Crazy in LVoe
Jun 20, 2008
558
1
Chicago, IL
Once you come to the US, I have a feeling that you will change your way of thinking (that life is over basically once you have kids and get married) and be a whole lot less worried about a "social stigma". Here, about 22 is the youngest most people can pursue a Master's Degree since it is when they graduate from college.

NO WAY should you stick around looking for a husband and forgoing an education!!!! Get your education and maybe you'll find a husband along the way.
 
Dec 6, 2008
1,812
0
I'm 22 and pursuing a masters degree. I also come from a cultural background (although I've been "American-ized") where it's expected for women to get married young. I think it's totally possible to do both. Just because you get married doesn't mean you have to have kids right away and even if you do it doesn't have to stop you from achieving your professional goals. I also think it's important to get married for the right reasons (because you're in love and can see yourself spending the rest of your life with that person) and when the time is right it will happen IMO
 

Riima

O.G.
Feb 17, 2009
188
21
Thanks for all the insight ladies, I was a bit whiny when I wrote the post, sorry. Yes, I guess you're right about not having to choose one over another. I was just a little upset that some of my girlfriends gave me this slightly pitying, condescending look whenever I talked about my plans. I'm not against marriage or anything, heck I would like to have a hubby myself if I found the right person. But it's just their way of implying that if you're not married by the time you're 23/25, the world would come crashing down on you. And in my culture, it's not possible for women to be married and go to school at the same time (unless of course if we live in US).
What's the benefit of marrying at such a young age anyway?
 

bagnshoofetish

resist.
O.G.
Feb 12, 2006
33,572
2,987
earth
Never ever ever ever ever treat marriage as something you would put on a "to do" list. You'll marry when you find someone you want to spend your life with. And that can happen in your 20s or in your 30s or in your 40s - whenever! If you end up just getting married to fulfill someones notion of a timeline you are going to end up just settling for someone and not being happy in the long run. Whats the point of getting married if you are only setting yourself up for divorce? This is YOUR life and YOU set the goals for it - not anyone else. If you live your life for some tradition or cultural aspect, if it is not in your heart to do, then whats the point? To please others who are not with you 24/7? You are the only one who is with YOU every single minute of your life and the only one who will enjoy the benefits or live the consequences of your actions 100%. Can you imagine where we would be without all the great people who have made positive contributions to this world if they allowed others limitations on their lives to keep them from doing the things they wanted to do, the things they wanted to pursue? The good things in this world were made possible by people who did not allow others to set boundaries for them. Always do what you feel is best for you to do today. Tomorrow will worry about itself. If you want to keep going to school and travel then do it now baby cause soon enough life's responsibilities will creep up and you don't want to regret not doing things now while you are unfettered. When you do meet your future husband and have kids you will have a well rounded education and lots to share with them and they will be the better for it!
Follow your heart and march to your own beat. A meteor could hit the planet for all you know so do whats important to YOU today.

p.s. and if your gf don't like your plans then don't share them with them. friends should support each other, not tear each other down.
 
Nov 2, 2006
630
1
Florida
I met my SO at 21 and we got married when I was 23. I'm 27 now and am almost finished with all my pre-req's. I start applying for my doctorate in a few months. You can do both. It's not easy, but I feel it is sooo worth it!
 

LaurelLee123

Member
Feb 16, 2008
783
1
43
I am Asian too (Chinese) but I grew up here. About half of my cousins still live in Asia and they experience the same cultural pressures that you do. A few of my cousins went to 'wife' school after high school and finding a good husband is priority and a source of great pride. And that is their culture and most of them are happy. When we visit them, it is just shocking how different their whole outlook on life is even though we are all family!
You sound like you might want something more. I know that my cousins have NO interest in persuing an education and when they visit the US, they are totally bored and spend the whole time shopping for beauty products and talking to their boyfriends on the computer. They don't have a curiousity or lust for 'what else is out there'. They abhor the idea of working, have no interest current events, and don't care to meet all kinds of different people. They are nice people, and I am not looking down on them - they are simply different and are content with a life that I could never tolerate.

Meanwhile, I am an Asian raised in the US. I loved school, and always wanted a career. I moved out of the house at 18 to a place i knew no one - and met tons of people from all different races, religions and cultures. I stuided different things. I went to medical school. And at 26, I did find a soulmate and am married now. But being a wife is just a part of who I am. Anyways, it sounds life from your post you aren't sure if you would be content choosing the path your culture wants you to choose. You are very young and coming to the US will be a wonderful opportunity to see what you want out of life. There really are amazing opportunities in this country, and I am so thankful my parents decided to raise us here. So many of my Chinese friends have pursued all sorts of different advanced degrees such as law, medicine, science, engineering and have great, fulfilling careers AND have found love. Some found love at 18, some at 31. Good luck with your journey!
 

yoglood

Member
Jan 25, 2007
1,305
0
38
Bay Area, CA
Never ever ever ever ever treat marriage as something you would put on a "to do" list. You'll marry when you find someone you want to spend your life with. And that can happen in your 20s or in your 30s or in your 40s - whenever! If you end up just getting married to fulfill someones notion of a timeline you are going to end up just settling for someone and not being happy in the long run. Whats the point of getting married if you are only setting yourself up for divorce? This is YOUR life and YOU set the goals for it - not anyone else. If you live your life for some tradition or cultural aspect, if it is not in your heart to do, then whats the point? To please others who are not with you 24/7? You are the only one who is with YOU every single minute of your life and the only one who will enjoy the benefits or live the consequences of your actions 100%. Can you imagine where we would be without all the great people who have made positive contributions to this world if they allowed others limitations on their lives to keep them from doing the things they wanted to do, the things they wanted to pursue? The good things in this world were made possible by people who did not allow others to set boundaries for them. Always do what you feel is best for you to do today. Tomorrow will worry about itself. If you want to keep going to school and travel then do it now baby cause soon enough life's responsibilities will creep up and you don't want to regret not doing things now while you are unfettered. When you do meet your future husband and have kids you will have a well rounded education and lots to share with them and they will be the better for it!
Follow your heart and march to your own beat. A meteor could hit the planet for all you know so do whats important to YOU today.

p.s. and if your gf don't like your plans then don't share them with them. friends should support each other, not tear each other down.
GREAT post. :tup:
 
May 15, 2008
1,085
1
USA
Okay, I'm also from Asia but I'm from China. Most my family members got married in their early to mid 20's. Though I grew up in the US, my older family members feel that it is more important to get an education than to just "marry" someone to get rid of the stigma for growing old and lonely.

This is one way to look at it: If you go study abroad for your masters, it is an investment into your future in TWO ways:

1. Better job opportunities & Pay

2. You can meet someone who will be just as smart as you! =) Your values will more likely be similar AND this person can be culturally diverse too! =)

I think if you have the opportunity to study abroad, you should really take it.
 

vanessa_karie

totally addicted..
O.G.
Apr 16, 2006
441
220
HK/London
I think you can do your masters and husband search at the same time. I am Asian too (from HK) but I grew up in the UK and majority of my family are still in HK. When I did my MSc at 21, people used to think that I am avoiding the real world by studying for another degree, but guess what, now I have a good job, it shows them my MSc was essential. Back to the husband issue, I have been with my bf ever since my BSc, through to my MSc and my 1st job (long distance now!). I am even thinking of doing a phd next year (gona be 25 then!), in which I hope my bf will be with me through that as well, so you see, you can have a bf and qualification at the same time!! Good luck!