Married P-fers....How's your relationship w/ your in-laws?

#46
Hubby and I have always had a great relationship, the relationship with his family(mother's side) is next to none. Now his dads family have all been extremely sweet and non judgemental of me from day 1. Even his step-mom treats me well, she is very thoughtful always giving us things for our home and they both always buy treats and things for our girls. His moms family on the other hand never gave me a chance, or tried to get to know me. As soon as I met them all they wanted to do was push their beliefs about certain situations off on me, and when they didnt get the response they were looking for they started being childish, catty, and clickish' so I stay away...
You're situation sounds like you and your hubby are being taken advantage of and disrespected, you definitely need to tell your husband how you feel, you may be surprised to find that he feels just as frustrated about it all. Thing is, he will have to muster up the gutts to tell his parents they are outta line.
 
#47
don't have ILs and gawd i dread the day i have to deal with them coss i think 95% have horrible ILs...

but your MIL is crossing boundaries and invading your privacy by going through your stuff. LOCK your room. if she asks you why it's locked, just shrug your shoulders or say it's to keep guests out of the room (where they do not belong)

you need to talk to your husband abut this and i HOPE he is on your side. the worst thing is to have ILs from hell and your husband not be on your side.

good luck!
 
#48
I used to have misgivings about my potential MIL, thinking it was personal, until I noticed it's just the way she is.... she's always negative and complaining about everything about me and her son. She'll make racist remarks about me, weight remarks, why I'm planning on graduate school for many more years and not thinking about marriage and kids at all. I get most angry with her when she insults my family or picks on my BF (anything and everything is not good enough for her).


But I slay her with kindness. I refuse to go "tit-for-tat" and ignore her when she's on one of her tirades. I even pretend to listen to her stories about how miserable her life is. I deal with her better now that I realize she does this to EVERYONE. Her own husband can't wait to retire and move back to "the homeland" without her, her older son quickly married to move away from her, and her other daughter-in-law... poor thing... gets lectured all the time on how she should have waited to complete "at least college before popping out kids so soon", and how her acne problem is worsening and she's not "aging so well"


With potential MIL's like that, who needs enemies? The best solution is just to avoid and stay away from them, or move away (a city away is sufficient). I'm slowly brainwashing BF to see that he can't take her in with him, because she'll drive him crazy.
 
#49
Excellent. However, we have had our ups and downs. DH and I have been together for 17 years and I have to say, we have learned so much during these years about how to handle in-laws. It comes down to this: we are adults. We have a family. We pay our own way. We make the rules for our family and they come BEFORE our parents. EOD

It's the cycle of life. When we had our first child, the holidays started to be celebrated at OUR home. We don't travel to yours. You can come to ours. That is that. Sadly, there were issues amoung the grandparents, but it was THEIR problem, not ours. That's just how it is.

In the end, people can ONLY take advantage of you if YOU ALLOW them to. You must set the boundries. DH sets them with his, you with yours. You MUST work as a team and make sure that in-laws RESPECT you and your choices/decisions. If not, then they are not welcome to share your life.... harsh, but again, you are adults. How much you will tolerate is up to you. HTH
 
#53
bonniec said:
Rayrayray,

God help us if there are two sets of IL's like mine. I do sincerely hope your situation is better than mine.

I have IL's from hell. The bottom line is my IL's chose to hate me since day 1. There is nothing I can do to appease them. Had they chosen to accept me, that love is unconditional.

Day 1 started with GASP... I didn't wear pantyhose with a dress to a formal event, I kid you not. It was such a big deal that Coo coo for coco puffs SIL decided in return to not wear pantyhose to my wedding to make a statement, like I cared. None of my bridesmaids did, either. :P

My MIL also goes through my drawers when she visits (fortunately not often). I posted earlier on a similar thread that she commented my underwear was "not appropriate for someone your age. You should buy pretty, expensive underwear." ie. not slutty enough. However, had I expensive underwear, I would be a slut. Get my drift?

She also drove 6 hours (unannounced) to stay for the weekend at my house.

My engagement ring was "cute, but small." (1 carat). My SIL has a 2 carat, and their family is struggling to pay the bills. But it's all about image of wealth.

I wrote to her in blue pen once. How dare I. She's an elder, it should have been in black (?). All the relatives heard about this one, too.

When I had my son, she said that I couldn't be a good mother (because I worked) and since my husband had to eat (I am the breadwinner of the family), she "decided" that I would (not should) turn my son over to her to raise for a few years (she lives cross country). Oh, and send her money, too. That would have been the same as sending him to daycare.:nuts: So she's not happy that didn't work out in her favor.

MIL has no money, so I offered to pay health care, gave her money, vacation packages. She complained that the vacations were not classy enough. She blew the money designated for health insurance/needed medications on vacations. Basically it's stressing out about how bad of a person I am that causes her arthritis, high blood pressure, and cholesterol... So I stopped giving her money. Cold turkey. DH is allowed to cut her a check, but he doesn't.

In terms of dealing with DH, I don't care what his relationship is with his mom as long as he supports me. I'm not that type of person to drive others to hate. He was ready to cut her off a while back, but it was me who made him keep in touch with her. Still, I can tell when he's talked to her, because he'll suddenly be pissy at me. I'll call him on it, and then he'll back off.

I don't have suggestions except to be at peace with yourself with whatever you do. If I were to die today, I have no regrets. Another thing that helps me is a book by Philip Yancey called "What's so amazing about grace?". It's Christian-based, but even if you're not, just skip the first 2 chapters... It's about giving without expecting anything in return... sounds crazy, but it's really an "amazing" book.

I write on these posts not to prove that my IL's are the worst. I hope nobody ever goes through what I have. There are no winners in any of this. It just helps me vent, too. I hope your situation is nothing like mine and never escalates to this level.

Good luck.
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Oh...my...god....

You know what? I think you and I can talk for 24 hours about who's ILs are worse.......

Ever since I have posted this thread, nothing has gotten better....

There was one time when I didn't call her for three days in a low(hello..I have a full time job and a part time job and I am a full time house wife also...I wake up at 5 to pack lunch for myself and DH and then get to work, work all day...and get home prepare dinner, do dishes, go to the gym, read a bit and then pass out from fatigue....even if there are 48hours in a day that's still not enough and I forgot to call her for THREE days...), she called me back and called me a BITC*.......and started bad mouthing MY PARENTS for not educating me right that I have no manner/ettiquet.........

I really cannot stand it when she starts bad mouthing my parents who have done nothing wrong but devoted their lives to raise me as a happy and healthy child and sacrificed every bit of their lives to raise me right....and they just have to get cursed at because I FORGOT TO CALL HER FOR THREE DAYS.....:crybaby:


I heard a story from a friend that one of her friends got divorced only because of her ILs..and I couldn't believe that until I got myself into such a situation with such wicked people. I dearly love my husband but there are days that it's just not enough to make me go through the IL situations....

When my MIL and FIL go on a international trips for more than a week, my SIL calls me to come and clean their house on the weekend(and it's two hour drive from my place to theirs) while she goes to nail salons to get her pedicure done.......and her brother(my husband) screaming and yelling and swearing at her saying that I am not their slave makes her so angry that she calls her mom and she calls me to call me a BITC* again for not being so nice and kind....the horrible cycle....

One time she got angry over nothing and broke our coffee table that had a glass top by throwing a heavy decorative object at it.......

I really wanna move to the moon and live there happily ever after........

I really do not know when this nightmare is going t be over.......

You know...I am a human too..there are limitations to my patience and tolerance.....


It seems like nothing's getting better for now......unfortunetely.........
 
#54
((Hug)) If I were u I think I'll want to run to the nearest planet too. Your hubby sounds protective (at least he knows u shouldn't need to clean up IL's house while SIL gets pretty). I suggest get a marriage counselor. Your husband may be able to see clearer the strain all these is causing u. Also I feel it's always good to get a 3rd party opinion (and a professional one too). We can't choose our hubby's parents but we surely can try to improve our own marriage!
 
#55
My relationship with Bart's mother is pretty good. We don't see eachother often since she lives in Belgium, but when we do see eachother it's nice. Sadly, Bart's father passed away as Bart was a teen, so I was never able to meet him.
 
#56
CJJ what you say makes alot of sense. from what i've seen, the problem arises when one person cannot bear to do that . when they feel that they are guilty or bad for putting their spouse and children first. and then the other spouse has to bear and suffer through it. i'm glad you and your dh were able to be a team and work these things out!!


cjj said:
Excellent. However, we have had our ups and downs. DH and I have been together for 17 years and I have to say, we have learned so much during these years about how to handle in-laws. It comes down to this: we are adults. We have a family. We pay our own way. We make the rules for our family and they come BEFORE our parents. EOD

It's the cycle of life. When we had our first child, the holidays started to be celebrated at OUR home. We don't travel to yours. You can come to ours. That is that. Sadly, there were issues amoung the grandparents, but it was THEIR problem, not ours. That's just how it is.

In the end, people can ONLY take advantage of you if YOU ALLOW them to. You must set the boundries. DH sets them with his, you with yours. You MUST work as a team and make sure that in-laws RESPECT you and your choices/decisions. If not, then they are not welcome to share your life.... harsh, but again, you are adults. How much you will tolerate is up to you. HTH
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#57
ray,

your MIL needs to be spoken to . UNACCEPTABLE behavior. i think your DH really needs to sit her down and tell her this is all unacceptable. they are not welcome unless they can treat with you the respect you deserve.

i have seen alot of marriages torn to shreds because of ILs. it puts too much stress on the person and marriage!

firstly WHY are you obligated to call her every 3 days?!?! do you report to her? NO. i would not tolerate her calling you a b***. first tell her you will not tolerate it and not to insult your parents and that you deserve an apology. if she goes on. hang up the phone.


your SIL is a BRAT!!! like you said you are not her maid. if MIL calls to scream at you, refer to DH and tell him to tell her her behavior is OUT OF LINE and to apologize.

and she can break her own furniture if she wants. i'd make her pay you bac for that coffee table and apologize!!

unfortunately you need your husband to be in with you on this and take a very hard line.

the more you make her apologize and own up to her actions, the more she'll learn because she WONT want to apologize.

She sounds terrible. and i think she's one of those people who will push you as far as she can and take advantage.

i really hope things improve because she sounds like a nightmare straight from hell... *hugs and :heart:*
rayrayray said:
Oh...my...god....

You know what? I think you and I can talk for 24 hours about who's ILs are worse.......

Ever since I have posted this thread, nothing has gotten better....

There was one time when I didn't call her for three days in a low(hello..I have a full time job and a part time job and I am a full time house wife also...I wake up at 5 to pack lunch for myself and DH and then get to work, work all day...and get home prepare dinner, do dishes, go to the gym, read a bit and then pass out from fatigue....even if there are 48hours in a day that's still not enough and I forgot to call her for THREE days...), she called me back and called me a BITC*.......and started bad mouthing MY PARENTS for not educating me right that I have no manner/ettiquet.........

I really cannot stand it when she starts bad mouthing my parents who have done nothing wrong but devoted their lives to raise me as a happy and healthy child and sacrificed every bit of their lives to raise me right....and they just have to get cursed at because I FORGOT TO CALL HER FOR THREE DAYS.....:crybaby:


I heard a story from a friend that one of her friends got divorced only because of her ILs..and I couldn't believe that until I got myself into such a situation with such wicked people. I dearly love my husband but there are days that it's just not enough to make me go through the IL situations....

When my MIL and FIL go on a international trips for more than a week, my SIL calls me to come and clean their house on the weekend(and it's two hour drive from my place to theirs) while she goes to nail salons to get her pedicure done.......and her brother(my husband) screaming and yelling and swearing at her saying that I am not their slave makes her so angry that she calls her mom and she calls me to call me a BITC* again for not being so nice and kind....the horrible cycle....

One time she got angry over nothing and broke our coffee table that had a glass top by throwing a heavy decorative object at it.......

I really wanna move to the moon and live there happily ever after........

I really do not know when this nightmare is going t be over.......

You know...I am a human too..there are limitations to my patience and tolerance.....


It seems like nothing's getting better for now......unfortunetely.........
Click to expand...
 
#59
call you a b*t**? I am sorry that would be a 'hang-up' for me, and if that is not enough insulting my parents you would get more than ear full. I honestly think that you have to do something. certainly when it comes to my family, i draw a line.
 
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