Marriage date problem

  1. My BF and I have been dating for 3 years. 1st 6 months were great and in the same city. The past 2 1/2 years have been harder and have been long distance. I'm in residency and will graduate in 16 months. My BF is 2 years older than I am but in medical school and will graduate in 14 months.

    We've been talking about marriage and I think he's serious about me and I very much want to marry her. We've discussed getting engaged and marriage but there's a sizable problem that I think shouldn't be.

    He wants to get married in between his medical school and him starting residency (15-16 months from now), but I need to take my oral boards in 16 months and really should use my 2 weeks vacation time BEFORE my oral boards to study instead of afterwards to go on a honeymoon. See, my BF is Iranian and wants to go back and visit family. He's under a lot of pressure in his culture to get married by his extended family and even his parents, and although I admit it would be a great time for him to get married, it wouldn't work out well with my career. I'd prefer it 6 months to a year AFTER he graduates from med. school and I graduate from 22 to 28 months from now....I can take plenty of time off and he can take 2 weeks off and we can go to Iran for that part of the celebration then.

    To play devil's advocate, I could take the time off and slightly-moderately increase the risk of my failing my oral boards, but in any case that isn't very likely. Another reason I would like to wait for a bit longer (6-12 months) is I'd like to be in the same city for a while and see if we can do the same city thing and not just the long distance thing and see each other every 3-4 weeks on too-short weekends. But he's insistant and says either we need to be married by July 1st, 2008 or never. His family matters a lot to him and they were all counting on him to be married by the time medical school ends for him.

    I already agreed to find a job wherever he goes for residency and postpone my fellowship.

    My question is, is my BF being reasonable? What should I do? Just agree with his request to use my vacation time at the tail end of my residency to get married or stick with my plan for 6-12 months after that, when we're better off financially and have been back together in the same city for a while. Is this worth breaking up over?

    Thanks for your help!
  2. do what is best for YOU. But you also have to do what makes you happy.
  3. do what YOU know is RIGHT FOR YOU.I think your boards are the most important worked this long and hard dont want to blow it.
  4. I'm not liking your boyfriend's attitude. If he dictates your wedding date, that only sets up the trend that he will dictate everything else in your life. If he doesn't bend on this situation, I would not marry him. JMO
  5. I don't like the ultimatum on the wedding date, and that you have to postpone your fellowship so he can do a residency. I understand that both are important and difficult to get in the same city, but he seems to have more power here. What does your family say about this? Why does marrying by the end of medical school make him more adult?

    If you're already questioning whether to stay with him or not (and I like your reasons for wanting more time, btw), then you should examine how you really feel about this situation and decide what to do.
  6. Think good and hard. If you want more time, take it. Don't be pushed into something because he or more especially his family want it.
  7. i don't think it's right for his family to push him into marriage. he has to be more considerate of you. but if you want a quick wedding, i'd say you can just get the certificate and celebrate later which doesn't sound too fun. in the end, you have to think about your future. plus what is a couple more months as opposed to being together for a couple of years?
  8. You need to work this out between the two of you. If his family have a say in when/where/how the wedding will take place, the next thing you know they will be telling you when to have children, how many you're going to have and what hospital you will have them in. Please don't be pushed into anything because it sounds to me as if his career is important, yours less so. Hope it works out for you. Good luck.
  9. I can kind of relate to this because I am half Persian and even though its not right, I can understand where he and his family are coming from.
    From the little bit that you described about him, he reminds me of my dad, who grew up in the Persian culture with his entire Persian family. I'm not sure where or with who your boyfriend grew up, but a lot of it has to do with the culture.
    However, your boyfriend should not be insisting on a date because of what his family thinks. If they are pushing for him to get married, they should realize that he knows its in his future, and that its going to happen, but its going to be on HIS time, not theirs. He should tell them, You know I am going to get married, not as soon as you wish, but its going to be in the near future.
    He's probably pushing it on you because family is a HUGE part of Iranian culture, and he really takes into consideration what his family thinks. But you guys should talk it out together, and tell him to say what HE thinks, not what his family thinks, although it will be hard for him to put that out of his mind.
    Maybe you should host a dinner and have his family come and you can talk it out there (there's nothing that makes Persians more happy than FOOD! :yes: )
    I'm not sure how close you are to his family, but if you are going to get married to him, you are gonna have to get to know them VERY well. If they are anything like my family, you will probably have get togethers very often, so just my 2 cents is hosting a dinner, or going to their place for dinner, and talking about it to them. Tell them you understand that they want their son to get married soon, and that it is in both your futures, soon, just not as soon as they want it to be.
    Ok, hope I explained everything clearly, I'm bad at explaining stuff :shame:
    Let me know if you have any other questions, I could go on and on for days about anything Persian! :smile:
  10. I was married into a family like that and it was NOT fun.
  11. He needs to bend on this one. Sorry, but I think you passing your exam is MUCH more important than pressure from his family. If you fail that, it will have an effect on the rest of your life. Everything you worked so hard for all these years will be gone. He can wait 6 months. Please don't risk failing your exam.

    ITA. If they're pressuring him to get married, don't you think the same thing will happen when it's time for children? It won't matter what you have going on in your life and if it's the right time for you.
  12. i would not rush anything, even if there is some pressure involved because you'll probably break down or become extremely overwhelmed in planning your marriage. (depending on how well you deal with pressure/work -well probably very well since you'll become a doc of some sort lol) but planning and all that good stuff should be taken at ease, it should be fun and enjoy every moment of it. Do it at both of your convenience, theres really no rush, especially something that comes once in a lifetime.
  13. i agree with everyone else that you and your BF need to talk this through. my personal thoughts: if he loves you, he'd also respect you&your choices. planning a wedding is a big thing, especially when you're supposed to prepare for oral boards. postponing the wedding a few months shouldn't really matter if you truly love each other.