LYING ...and Forgiveness?

#31
I try to forgive (doesn't always work) but I never forget and I never fully trust that person again. IMO, people who lie and then deny it to your face are the people who will lie again and again if they can get away with it. These people are really not worth being friends with.. they're like poison.
 
#32
twinkle.tink said:
I am sorry for your pain Jill, it's never easy, there are so many issues it is hard to be cut and dried.

I agree with Roo, there are so many people who lie for so many reasons, for me it would depend on the lie and their intent. Personally I am probably too forgiving, drives my hubby crazy.

Like Lara, I can see the grey so often, but many people can't and don't want to...and that is perfectly understandable. Each person has the right to set their own standards for their friends.

For me white lies, lies of convience and lies of exaggeration are part of human follies, and while I don't condone them, I do understand them and usually, easily forgive them. It is clear there is no intent to hurt others, often the intent is to save someone else's feelings, or made out of their own insecurities.

Lies that deal in fraud and manipulation, where the intent is clearly malicious, I do not forgive easily. My ex husband is my ex, because although I tried, I could not forgive his lies. These are people that are easy to dismiss from our lives and not give a second thought or glance to.

The hardest ones are the ones that fall in between. The lies that are made out of shame or self preservation. So many times it easy to see why the lie was made, but many times the under lying transgression is as bad as the lie. These are the hardest to decide forgive. Because usually you are dealing with a compound problem, the initial transgression and the lie. People make mistakes, people do lie to cover up their mistakes. How many times, do we see it...a bad situation made that much worse with lie.

I sure many of us parents would agree, this is something we try and instill in our children...'you are going to make mistakes, no doubt about it...but when you do, have the moral fiber and courage to admit it, fix, it if you can and ask for forgiveness, don't make it worse with a lie.' Human nature is to lie to protect yourself, that is why small children do it, they have to be taught it is wrong. It takes work, it takes vigilance, many people simple do not have the upbringing that has taught them that a lie always makes the situation worse. In fact, volunteering at the school, I see the opposite...parents actively lying for their children, making excuses for them, etc....do you think those people will ever hesitate to lie to cover themselves? Do we take that in account when we consider to forgive?

Like I said, for me, I tend to over forgive (just as I tend to over trust)...but each person has their own tolerances and it is perfectly acceptable to decide you can't forgive....and if you can't forgive, give up the friendship...afterall, is it really a friendship if you are seething inside?
Click to expand...

Best post in this thread.
 
#33
sometimes (quite a bit) i lie to get out of things that other people want me to do. like babysit someone's children (i'm a stay at home mom..and always get hit up for that)

or an invite to a company function that we don't want to attend.

or someone wants us to go to dinner, but we don't like the people...

the list goes on

so, i guess that makes me a liar too.
 
#35
Jill said:
R u guys able to forgive and forget........????:confused1:
im wondering how to handle this and if Ill still be able to remain on good terms with this person or not.
Tell me it isnt just me....LOL!
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I hate lies.
I forgive for my benefit, but I don't forget. I would have to look at the person's motivation for lying to me to decide whether or not to continue to put effort and energy into the relationship.
 
#36
I've always been one of those people who hates it when people lie. My thing has always been that I'd rather people told the truth, no matter how harsh, rather than lie about it. I can forgive people who lie, but I find that it's much, much harder to forget.

I believe you said you've been friends with the person for 10 years? That's quite a long time, and I would think that it's an important and close friendsip to you. You have to decide whether you can forgive his/her lie, and forget it. That would require you to not bring it up again, or throw it in his/her face ever again. I think if you feel that you can't do that (and I would imagine that to do so would be extremely difficult), then maybe you should end the friendship, or just not talk for awhile, until you've had some time. As someone said before, it's not exactly a friendship if you're seething inside.

I hope it all goes well for you!
 
#37
THANKS for all yer advice guys.....

I am also one of those people that would rather be told a harsh truth than a lie.Im always upfront and honest ..NO MATTER WHAT.I dont tippytoe around people..as Im sure u guys can tell from my posts..LMAO!
Im distancing myself from this person to cool down...not sure if I can forgive..It was a huge lie..not a little one....and deceitful as well.Just trying to figure out if I can let it go......
 
#38
guccimamma said:
sometimes (quite a bit) i lie to get out of things that other people want me to do. like babysit someone's children (i'm a stay at home mom..and always get hit up for that)

or an invite to a company function that we don't want to attend.

or someone wants us to go to dinner, but we don't like the people...

the list goes on

so, i guess that makes me a liar too.
Click to expand...

^ITA people lie all the time: "little white lies"

I have a hard time understanding how everyone in this thread can go on and on about how bad lies are, when you have probably lied on occasion yourself.

i.e.:
Bum: "Do you have any change?"
Me: "Sorry, no"

Jill, what was this lie?
 
#40
^^^I would have to respectfully disagree, at least in my mind anyway.

Forgiving and forgetting are two different things and I find holding a grudge exhausting. For exp., I had 3 friends/co-workers wronged me terribly about 15 years ago. They've apologized and I've forgiven them. It took more energy for me to hold a grudge than to let it go and forgive them.

But, I certainly haven't forgotten. I filter way more w/them now. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
 
#41
Jill, I was in a similar situation a while back. I just confronted the person (who pretended to ignore the confrontation, but that's a whole different story lol), then distanced myself from her so that the whole situation wouldn't become an issue for me...as in, I wouldnt have to spend time with her and constantly be on the look out for lies. We were fairly close as well, but when I caught her in the lie, I felt like this was a whole different person and the person that I knew had just been a superb act that she had put on.

Anyway, point being, I forgave in that I didn't let it become an issue or something I think about constantly. But I hate liars and would never want one in my life, so we are now aquaintances at best (and that's only because we have mutual friends). If she ever wanted to be friends, I would demand nothing less than a full explanation and apology as to why she thought the lie was necessary.
 
#42
purly said:
^ITA people lie all the time: "little white lies"

I have a hard time understanding how everyone in this thread can go on and on about how bad lies are, when you have probably lied on occasion yourself.

i.e.:
Bum: "Do you have any change?"
Me: "Sorry, no"
Click to expand...

Well, I don't know about that...I mean, lying to a friend is very different from lying to a stranger, homeless or not. On top of that, lying with intend to manipulate or deceive is very different from lying because I feel like my change will negatively impact the homelss man or woman's life.

Even with that example, I think obviously "Got any change?" really implies "Got any change that you would like to give me?" When I say no, I'm not really lying: I have no change that I would like to give the person.
 
#43
Since it was a big lie I would forgive but def not forget. I would also keep the person at a comfortable distance and not trust them again and pretty much take everything they say with a grain of salt. Just because they might do it again! I'm sorry this happened to you Jill.
 
#44
Jill said:
Just trying to figure out if I can let it go......
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^ if you feel like giving it a try, that is nice. I tried and it cost me huge amounts of energy to still be enthusiastic about the friendship (we had been friends since primary school) but it just didn't happen for me. I honestly could not forget.
 
#45
sad to say my bf is quite a habitual liar :sad: big lies, small lies, white lies.. he's done them before and he loves to cover these lies with more lies. At the end of it, he usually has no choice but to fess up.

I hate it, especially since it has changed me to be quite a cynical person. But i love him and i have forgiven him many times.. but at the end of the day.. i have never forgotten and im not sure if i would be able to. Im just hoping time will help me to forget.
 
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