Living with messy person or hoarder? Sometimes I get so discouraged.

[jellyv]

He might walk up the stairs and can see under our daughters bed that their is a piece of dust there and will tell you it is there so someone can clean it. How one notices a tiny piece of dust as a problem to be cleaned now and can’t see ten shoes scattered in a room as something other people might find as a distraction.
.

Who's the "someone" in this scenario, in his mind? Not him, evidently. So--is this because you two already have an agreement, stated or not, on who it is who tends to cleanliness and orderliness? What's on his plate on house tending? Something, nothing?

This division of chores/responsibility seemingly does not work for you. This sounds like very basic turf to hash out as a couple. For starters.
--
Hoarding is real and is considered a psychiatric problem. It needs attention when it interferes with daily life and relationships. Sounds like you're there.

 

[eckw]

OP, I can sympathise. Your DH sounds quite extreme! Mine also doesn’t like to throw anything away either. (We still have a study room full of piles of yellowing papers and books from his uni and lecturing days many moons ago.) Also he’s self-made and came from a poor background so he hates waste of any sort. Luckily I’m the consumer in the family (and I’m v good at letting go of things) so we don’t struggle as much on this front.

We aren’t planning to move anywhere but recently we were renovating a few rooms and just the thought of working with my DH to clean them out was stressful. (Once in a while, I’ll sneakily throw out something of his but then the guilt and worry kick in, in case it’s something he really wants to keep.[emoji51])

When I get super frustrated with him, I try to remind myself of our different upbringing and also his good traits (he’s much more environmentally friendly and frugal too!). But yes, on bad days, there is a lot of teeth-grinding and raises voices. [emoji28]

 

[Jacynthe]

just glad that I got rid of 200 lbs 15 years ago

 

[jimmie staton]

I don’t know if people who are messy are oblivious to the messes they create. I am trying to declutter my life. Hubby is a hoarder. He is a messy person. After all these years I really think there is no hope. I try so hard and sometimes literally feel like there is no progress. I am working in the kitchen today. I switched my canned goods pantry which was in a white IKEA bookshelf back to the pantry closet and put the pots and baking dishes in the IKEA bookshelf. It looks great and organized. Threw out all the expired food. Got rid of misc junk, things like extra plastic cups, misc. plastic containers and have a box of cooking items I will never use for the thrift shop. Will continue with all cabinets and shelves this week because I feel I can simplify my life more. They look pretty good but I have things I know serve no use to me.

But as I organize I look at all this stuff. Like one needs 6 boxes of Cheerios in the cabinet. And of course the 16 large bags of Starbucks coffee with good and expired dates because one can never have too much coffee. I don’t drink coffee..... add things like 8 rolls of plastic food wrap when nobody uses it???? Add the three coffee makers on his coffee counter but he prefers the French press I just bought him which I keep by the sink and wash right after use. Not to mention the cases of soda because we have a holiday party and two people drink soda. I sometimes feel like all I do is rearrange things. It gets depressing.

Perhaps I am in a sad mood today because I and the whole house have been sick since Christmas with horrible colds and feel like I can’t catch up with things. I love to organize and have everything in its spot. I have no problem getting rid of things. I can donate or throw out with no regrets. I spend two days literally cleaning my college age kids bathroom because I want to repaint it. I went through the closet, all drawers and under the two sink cabinets and got rid of so much junk. Towels are folded and organized to loook perfect. Supplies and skin hair stuff are organized and in plastic baskets. Then I did part of my daughters room (to surprise her). She is coming home this weekend so I mopped her floor, made her bed and dusted around her desk and TV. She takes care of her own room and I hardly ever do anything but bought all these nice cleaning products and wanted to have her wood floors and room smell nice.

I think the main problem is hubby is a dropper and does not see the mess he makes no matter how many times I ask him not to do it. Does one not see 6 plus pairs of shoes by their chair? Why are you wearing all these different shoes in the same style when you work from home and don’t go out? Does anyone live with droppers? If on could hang their coat in the closet versus the coat rack which looks like a mountain. Does one need to hang 6 coats and sweatshirts on it and not notice the bulk of them sticking out. I don’t know if one should laugh or cry. We plan on moving so I say the whole house needs to be uncluttered and he says he is on board and sometimes seems motivated but he will als freak out sometimes when I throw something minor out. I have had to sneak things in the garbage so he doesn’t see me get rid of stuff.

Ok my rant is over. Looking for some stories to know I am not alone.

Hilarious ! I feel your pain and you are NOT alone. I am a man and my lovely Wife reminds me of your husband. I wouldn't say that I am a 'Neat Freak', but I do love things in their proper place and organization. I love streamline and minimalism at it's best. I love modern furniture and nice storage bins in closets and neatly folded towels... I used my old Ikea DVD/CD shelving from the spare bedroom because I had hundreds of DVDs and CDs, being a bachelor at one time and DVDs and CDs are defunct, and put the DVD/CD tower rack in the laundry room to store neatly and nicely folded towels, wash cloths and hand towels... the assorted bright colors of them against the modern mat gray slim shelving unit looks great. The Vanity closet is full of faux leather boxes of red, brown, tan of assorted sizes and stores everything so that most of the items are not seen unless you go to the chosen bin. A few of the bins are open at the top, so you can see the commonly used items that we have to use on a daily, and look nice stored. I constantly have to organize and re-organize. The junk drawers are even nice and organized. The Vanity draws, I used old Cartier boxes that my Cartier note cards came turn them upside down and tape them to the inside of drawer, so that they don't move, but temporary so I can clean them out and change them if necessary so that they are mini bins to separate items, like toothpaste, hand creams, tweezers, etc.. You know, opening and closing the drawer, things shift, this way they don't shift much and only shift in their separate compartment. To keep stuff from cluttering the fridge, like papers, pictures, bills, calendars, Son's school info flyers, etc., I purchased (3) $12 mirrored medicine cabinets from Home Depot, and placed them on the wall in the side room with a cardboard sheet over the shelving, so when I open the mirror door, I can see the calendar, child's school schedule, lunch menu for the month, important and emergency telephone numbers receipts etc., and its out of the way, not falling off the fridge every time I open the fridge door, not junky looking and the mirrored wall I created acts as a full size clothing mirror... so we can see if we look okay on the way out the door. All this to say that my Wife doesn't see her ways as being wrong... She went off on me once for 'cleaning behind her'... I'll never do THAT again. lol. Is she a lot better than she used to be? Yes... and she still has a ways to go... I love her, so I will continue to do the things that makes me, me... I have to allow her to be her. I've learned that in any relationship... allow 3 things. For every one thing you don't like about your mate, there are at least 3 things they can't stand about you. No matter how awesome you think you are with what you do... that very thing probably makes them cringe. Now I look at it and say to myself ... "Let me Superman this moment" and I go to work solving the crime of grime ! I feel good, the place looks good, I've done good and all is right with the world. I live to see another day of fighting grime and my marriage is restored. You ever notice that every Super Hero has to fight the same fight with the same villain over and over ? If there is no arch enemy or antagonist... the Super Hero ain't that super anymore. It's not about the act of what he does or doesn't do... it's how you decide to feel about it. You have the power to chose how to feel about it. Use your power for good... not evil. lol
"J!m"

 

[BigPurseSue]

Hey, Gilliana! I'm so sorry you have to deal with this and I know how frustrated you must feel.

A friend married a fellow who grew up in a house of hoarders. They went to marital counseling and it did help a great deal. The counselor was able to help them establish little rules that he could follow. Take his wet shoes off at the door. Hang up his jacket rather than drop it on the floor. Put his dirty cups and dishes in the sink or dishwasher. Etc. Slow incremental changes are always the building blocks toward larger behavioral changes. He was also required to join his wife's weekly clean-up efforts.

Prior to that I don't think he realized how upsetting his messiness was to his wife, or how detrimental it was to their marriage. The counseling did end up helping them and his household habits did change for the better. That's my suggestion. Give it a try, what do you have to lose?

 

[gillianna]

He would never go to therapy because he does not view anything he does as a problem. He has a reply he just likes his stuff. I have women friends who one may think hoard things such as every picture their kids drew since kindergarten, every dress they wore to a dance in high school (these women are 50 years old or more now). But they keep their bins and bins of things in a attic or basement area where nobody would see them. And some have tons of stuff from parents who have died since they feel they have to keep,the things they had in the house growing up even thought they will never use it so boxes and bins of things like this pile up. If anyone had to clean our your parents house for any reason usually there is so much stuff that it motivates you to not do that to your kids.

As with any marriage you do learn to accept flaws because we all have them. The funny thing is that he is capable of organizing things. When it comes to his cars. He has special cleaning kits of all these expensive products and will organize them and use them in order and spend hours polishing Crome and who knows what to make the inside leather and outside metal shine along with the long process to wash and wax a car. Same thing with the lawn. It will be cut weekly, sometimes more and the lines go in certain directions. Our grass is the greenest and most lush in the development and all organic products are used. Racking leaves is a obsession. Can’t have them cluttering up the lawn so they get raked up twice a week. Hours upon hours spend outside. I have had some really huge gardens with all sorts of interesting plants. Same thing when he had guns as a hobby when we lived way out in the country. Every item for shooting or fishing was originated and kept in special safes or cabinets. Nothing out of place. He has collected hundreds of rare car and other magazines and organized them by name, issues and other ways. So it can be done.

He is a clean person, washes his own clothes and spends time drying and hanging them due to fabric care content and takes very good care of his appearance. Not many men spend the time to do this which is great to me. I have one friend who has a husband with OCD with cleaning and she literally spends most of her time cleaning up a spotless house in hopes her husband does not say a crumb is on the floor. He inspected to the house upon entering it. Hi have seen her mope the same floor three times in a half hour to make sure it is clean before he gets home and her house looks like a model home because nobody is allowed to do anything. So one can go to the extreme in any direction and it will also cause some anxiety in dealing with it.

There are some perks of being organized. Little funny story. My daughter and her three college age friends are here for a sleepover tonight. They just came to the kitchen to make tea. So the girls are talking and I hear, do you have raw sugar, daughter replies I think we have brown sugar. I say raw sugar is in the plastic container by the coffee maker. Then do we have raw honey, not xxx honey, daughter is clueless. I say raw honey along with three other types of honey is on the bottom white shelf above the dishwasher. Then do we have regular sugar. Daughter says we have fake sugar. I say real sugar is in the cabinet next to the stove. They also had to search for certain teas and I told them which containers had the organic, flavored and regular teas. One could have searched every cabinet or thought nope we don’t have this. But I knew where everything was because everything has a place.

 

[gillianna]

Hilarious ! I feel your pain and you are NOT alone. I am a man and my lovely Wife reminds me of your husband. I wouldn't say that I am a 'Neat Freak', but I do love things in their proper place and organization. I love streamline and minimalism at it's best. I love modern furniture and nice storage bins in closets and neatly folded towels... I used my old Ikea DVD/CD shelving from the spare bedroom because I had hundreds of DVDs and CDs, being a bachelor at one time and DVDs and CDs are defunct, and put the DVD/CD tower rack in the laundry room to store neatly and nicely folded towels, wash cloths and hand towels... the assorted bright colors of them against the modern mat gray slim shelving unit looks great. The Vanity closet is full of faux leather boxes of red, brown, tan of assorted sizes and stores everything so that most of the items are not seen unless you go to the chosen bin. A few of the bins are open at the top, so you can see the commonly used items that we have to use on a daily, and look nice stored. I constantly have to organize and re-organize. The junk drawers are even nice and organized. The Vanity draws, I used old Cartier boxes that my Cartier note cards came turn them upside down and tape them to the inside of drawer, so that they don't move, but temporary so I can clean them out and change them if necessary so that they are mini bins to separate items, like toothpaste, hand creams, tweezers, etc.. You know, opening and closing the drawer, things shift, this way they don't shift much and only shift in their separate compartment. To keep stuff from cluttering the fridge, like papers, pictures, bills, calendars, Son's school info flyers, etc., I purchased (3) $12 mirrored medicine cabinets from Home Depot, and placed them on the wall in the side room with a cardboard sheet over the shelving, so when I open the mirror door, I can see the calendar, child's school schedule, lunch menu for the month, important and emergency telephone numbers receipts etc., and its out of the way, not falling off the fridge every time I open the fridge door, not junky looking and the mirrored wall I created acts as a full size clothing mirror... so we can see if we look okay on the way out the door. All this to say that my Wife doesn't see her ways as being wrong... She went off on me once for 'cleaning behind her'... I'll never do THAT again. lol. Is she a lot better than she used to be? Yes... and she still has a ways to go... I love her, so I will continue to do the things that makes me, me... I have to allow her to be her. I've learned that in any relationship... allow 3 things. For every one thing you don't like about your mate, there are at least 3 things they can't stand about you. No matter how awesome you think you are with what you do... that very thing probably makes them cringe. Now I look at it and say to myself ... "Let me Superman this moment" and I go to work solving the crime of grime ! I feel good, the place looks good, I've done good and all is right with the world. I live to see another day of fighting grime and my marriage is restored. You ever notice that every Super Hero has to fight the same fight with the same villain over and over ? If there is no arch enemy or antagonist... the Super Hero ain't that super anymore. It's not about the act of what he does or doesn't do... it's how you decide to feel about it. You have the power to chose how to feel about it. Use your power for good... not evil. lol
"J!m"

While I have not quite reached this wonderful level of organization in my house it is a pleasure to read about how others organize and how different systems can makes their life easier. I have used the smaller boxes in drawers and like to separate items especially in the bathroom and kitchen so you can find things easily. I did my daughters makeup this past week for her and when she came home and saw it all separated in various pretty decorative boxes on a rolling metal 3 shelf unit she was shocked and said she loved it. I used two shelves for all her makeup and it is so easy to view and grab what one needs versus having it buried in a huge drawers that you can’t even see or view half the items in them.

 

[nicole0612]

I love her, so I will continue to do the things that makes me, me... I have to allow her to be her. I've learned that in any relationship... allow 3 things. For every one thing you don't like about your mate, there are at least 3 things they can't stand about you. No matter how awesome you think you are with what you do... that very thing probably makes them cringe. Now I look at it and say to myself ... "Let me Superman this moment" and I go to work solving the crime of grime ! I feel good, the place looks good, I've done good and all is right with the world. I live to see another day of fighting grime and my marriage is restored. You ever notice that every Super Hero has to fight the same fight with the same villain over and over ? If there is no arch enemy or antagonist... the Super Hero ain't that super anymore. It's not about the act of what he does or doesn't do... it's how you decide to feel about it. You have the power to chose how to feel about it. Use your power for good... not evil. lol
"J!m"

Jim, I really like this advice! My husband and I have a similar dynamic to OP and her husband, and it is truly a never ending effort, your analogy of the superhero fighting the same enemy over and over is very heartening.

 

[jellyv]

He would never go to therapy because he does not view anything he does as a problem.

Would he go because you view it as a problem? Does he know, does he care that this bothers you?

So: he's messy and a hoarder, and clean and organized (concerning the things he cares about). What's the story here again?

 

[whateve]

I'm not a neat freak but I know where the sugar, honey, and tea are in my house. Everything has a place. I'm just not obsessive about organizing. Once I decide where something goes, that's where it goes. There is no reason to reorganize for the sake of reorganizing.

 

[chicinthecity777]

Dropping 6 plus coats in piles and leaving them there for weeks versus hanging them up in the front door open closet rack or a few steps away to the double closet does not take a effort.

Just using this as an example. During those weeks, did you tell him that the pile upset you and tell him to hang them up? You said he didn't see it as a problem, but have you told him that it was a problem for you and he was not the only person who's living in the house therefore he needed to do more to keep everybody happier? My SO is fairly neat with a tendency of hoarding some supplies like tea or socks. If something is piling up, e.g. yet another box of tea bags, I would tell him straight away to stop buying more tea bag. I would try not let it get to a state that it's manageable or very upsetting to me.

 

[jimmie staton]

Jim, I really like this advice! My husband and I have a similar dynamic to OP and her husband, and it is truly a never ending effort, your analogy of the superhero fighting the same enemy over and over is very heartening.

Thank you nicole0612. I forgot to add... the Super Hero and his/her Arch Enemy, the Protagonist and the Antagonist need each other to fulfill their purpose. Not to look at your mate as the enemy or antagonist, but the actions there of. Most of the times... it's a symptom not a disease. It's like a 100,000 piece puzzle and you don't have the box cover to know what the puzzle is suppose to look like when it's totally assembled... it's work ! When you do finally get the pieces in place, and the puzzle is complete... then what ? Ya have to keep doing the work and see it through and most of the time, it changes.. you change... will it get better?... maybe, will you like the puzzle in the end?... maybe. This might be difficult to hear this next part, but it works... 'Fall in love with the routine... it will yield you happy times'.
"J!m"

 

[estradastone]

well... i always think the best way to solve a problem raised between you and your significant one is to talk. You should explain everything you feel and should explain what kind of behavior you are expecting. understanding each other is the best thing that makes your relationships stronger and both of you should be ready to change for each other

 

[chicinthecity777]

Looks like another thread abandoned by the OP. I shouldn't have bothered replying. SMH.

 

[jimmie staton]

Just using this as an example. During those weeks, did you tell him that the pile upset you and tell him to hang them up? You said he didn't see it as a problem, but have you told him that it was a problem for you and he was not the only person who's living in the house therefore he needed to do more to keep everybody happier? My SO is fairly neat with a tendency of hoarding some supplies like tea or socks. If something is piling up, e.g. yet another box of tea bags, I would tell him straight away to stop buying more tea bag. I would try not let it get to a state that it's manageable or very upsetting to me.

I get it... It can be very frustrating... I am trying to learn how to not let it bother me so. Still struggling... lol
"J!m"