[the Fat Fighters are discussing foods]
Marjorie Dawes: Dust. Anybody? No? High in fat, low in fat? Dust. Anybody? No? Dust. Anybody? No? Dust. Anybody? No? Dust. Anybody? No? Dust. Anybody? No? Dust. It's actually very low in fat. You can have as much dust as you like.
Marjorie Dawes: What advice can we give to Babara, to turn her tragic life around? Paul?
Fat Fighter: [sighs] Cut out biscuits?
Marjorie Dawes: Cut out biscuits! erm... Mary?
Meera: Instead of sugar, use artificial sweetener in tea.
Marjorie Dawes: Something about sugar, but I think the best advice any of us can give you, is to look at the person on the inside, because you're obviously a very unhappy person...
Barbara: No, I'm not!
Marjorie Dawes: Well, you deserve to be! I know Mum doesn't speak to you, but that's not for here... but as far as she's concerned, if you were knocked down by a bus tomorrow the world would be a better place!
Narrator: Britain, Britain, Britain. We've had running water for over ten years, we have a tunnel connecting us to Peru, and we invented the cat.
Narrator: This is the home of romance novelist, Dame Sally. I've always wanted to write a book, but unfortunately I don't have a pen.
Mike: Hey, you open for afternoon tea?
Scottish Guy: Maybe I am and maybe I'm not
[plays tune on flute]
Mike: Oh, OK.
[starts to walk out]
Scottish Guy: No, no, I am, I am, please, sit down.
[shows them to a table]
Mother: Wow, isn't this an adorable place, Kimberly?
Kimberly: It smells funny in here!
Scottish Guy: I shall be back in a moment with the cake trolley.
[puts his hand out and grabs the cake trolley]
Scottish Guy: Here I am with the cake trolley.
Mother: Mm, those look good, don't they honey?
Kimberly: I want the chocolate cake.
Mother: OK, OK, honey
[to Scottish guy]
Kimberly has a nut allergy. Do you know if the chocolate cake contains nuts?
Scottish Guy: Yeeeeees.
Kimberly: What, yes, you know, or yes, there are nuts?
Scottish Guy: Yeeeeees.
Mike: Well, which?
Scottish Guy: [picks up a piece of cake and puts it to his ear] Carrot cake, carrot cake, have ye any nuts?
[listens]
Scottish Guy: The carrot cake contains? no nuts.
[picks up another piece of cake to his ear] Lemon drizzle cake, lemon drizzle cake, have ye any nuts?
[listens]
The lemon drizzle cake contains... no nuts
[plays flute]
No nuts.
[picks up chocolate cake to his ear] Chocolate cake, chocolate cake, have ye any nuts?
[listens]
[to Mike] He wants to speak to you.
Mike: [takes cake, baffled, puts it to his ear and listens] Mike Kapalski?
Sebastian: Prime Minister, look out!
[pushes Prime Minister onto couch]
Primeminster: What is it?
Sebastian: I thought there was a sniper but there isn't.
Prime Minster: Oh... can you get off me now?
Sebastian: Give it a minute.
Student councillor lady: [On the phone, describing the student sat opposite her, who is of restricted growth] You know Paul. Everyone knows Paul. How can I describe him? Shoulder-length brown hair. Wears a lot of jewellery. Looks *up* a lot. Gets his clothes from Mothercare. That's it - the Oompa Loompa.
[Can't see why Paul looks annoyed. Starts humming the Ooompa Loompa song as he stomps out]
