Letting Go of Luxury

#16
Thank you all for your advice. I'm still just very torn on what to do. I once sold one of my favorite Kelly bags because it wasn't being used. That was 8 years ago and I still regret it.

My SO is extremely frugal even though he makes great money. Very early on in dating I told him the value of one of my bags, but I don't think he was paying much attention. He knows what an Hermes GM Cashmere costs and says that he doesn't plan on purchasing them for me. He somehow thinks my bags cost around $600 and he teases me about that being too much. He has never told me to get rid of anything, but he has encouraged me to go to Target and buy some cheap plastic purses. His knows who I am and doesn't try to change me, but he doesn't like to see me uncomfortable when we are out. Our nice dinners are prone to turning into evenings with friends and somehow wine and beer ends up all over the place. I have never met such an enthusiastic bunch of toasters! I end up very awkwardly trying to cover and hide my bag instead of enjoying the night out. He has caught on to my fears so now he insists that I ditch my bags altogether an just bring a cheap clutch or noname crossbody. I honestly have a wonderful time with my SO and our rambunctious friends and wouldn't trade those experiences for a chance to wear my cashmeres or a nicer bag.

The SO and I have been talking about weddings, buying a house together, and kids. We're speaking about finances and the future a lot. I guess that is what has made me want to do all that I can to put myself in the best place to contribute since he makes more than I do right now. He hasn't proposed yet, but I think he has made me evaluate my priorities.

Maybe a large part of the problem is that I'm working mostly from home at the moment so I don't have a lot of other places to use my nice things? I'm hoping to make a job change soon and maybe that will allow me to dress up more often. I wore an Hermes belt to dinner with SO and friends last night and it made me feel good. I just need to make a point of doing these small things so that I can enjoy my collection.
 
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#18
what if you get rid of some lux items you really like and you end up not married to him? how would that make you feel?... to then live with the fact that you gave up stuff for someone and it didn't even work out. maybe the next bf will love Hermes and you'll regret what you did. :P how you dress and what you wear is linked to confidence and self-worth, and by altering that for someone else you run the risk of losing a major part of yourself. and you're not even engaged. maybe use some less expensive pieces when out w/his friends and Hermes and etc. when you/he are out together. there are ways to compromise while still keeping your items.
 
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#19
McLoverly said:
Thank you all for your advice. I'm still just very torn on what to do. I once sold one of my favorite Kelly bags because it wasn't being used. That was 8 years ago and I still regret it.

My SO is extremely frugal even though he makes great money. Very early on in dating I told him the value of one of my bags, but I don't think he was paying much attention. He knows what an Hermes GM Cashmere costs and says that he doesn't plan on purchasing them for me. He somehow thinks my bags cost around $600 and he teases me about that being too much. He has never told me to get rid of anything, but he has encouraged me to go to Target and buy some cheap plastic purses. His knows who I am and doesn't try to change me, but he doesn't like to see me uncomfortable when we are out. Our nice dinners are prone to turning into evenings with friends and somehow wine and beer ends up all over the place. I have never met such an enthusiastic bunch of toasters! I end up very awkwardly trying to cover and hide my bag instead of enjoying the night out. He has caught on to my fears so now he insists that I ditch my bags altogether an just bring a cheap clutch or noname crossbody. I honestly have a wonderful time with my SO and our rambunctious friends and wouldn't trade those experiences for a chance to wear my cashmeres or a nicer bag.

The SO and I have been talking about weddings, buying a house together, and kids. We're speaking about finances and the future a lot. I guess that is what has made me want to do all that I can to put myself in the best place to contribute since he makes more than I do right now. He hasn't proposed yet, but I think he has made me evaluate my priorities.

Maybe a large part of the problem is that I'm working mostly from home at the moment so I don't have a lot of other places to use my nice things? I'm hoping to make a job change soon and maybe that will allow me to dress up more often. I wore an Hermes belt to dinner with SO and friends last night and it made me feel good. I just need to make a point of doing these small things so that I can enjoy my collection.
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He's encouraged you to buy bags in target. That's trying to change who you are. I'm going to be blunt but I don't buy the fact you can't bring your bags out cauz his friends toast a lot. Sounds like excuses.

Look you need to be comfortable with your own decisions. Sounds like you've already answered your own question. You are torn. Not sure what to do. In which case, do nothing until
You are sure.

Ps-- sounds like you have an amazing collection! And we here on tpf can appreciate it. Good luck. Peace will come. [emoji1]
 
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#20
First, let me apologize for the many typos in my last post. Yikes!

You all have given me a lot of great opinions. I do think I need to start using my things more. He hasn't proposed and there is no need to rush to sell off my collection. I think I will slowly edit down a thing or two when I feel it is appropriate.

I was in an on/off relationship for nearly 10 years with an SO who appreciated Hermes. My ex admired my Hermes purchases and would go to vintage stores to hunt for finds with me. He would get an extra chair at a restaurant for my bag and would put his coat over my bag to protect it. However, he was an emotionally abusive cheater.

My current SO is a wonderful man. He spends time with my family, makes my mother breakfast on Mother's Day, goes to the butcher's shop to get my dog treats, buys me massage packages when my back hurts, watches my chick shows, spends almost every night with me, texts me every morning even when I've just left his house, rubs my head every night, does my laundry, feeds me wine and chocolate, has actually physically thrown his body over mine to protect me from an exploding car, and does a million other things that make him a great partner.

I used toasting as an example because the last time I brought a BV out to dinner we ended up at a German restaurant with his friends. A polka band came out and mini kegs were served at the tables. People were singing and swaying and sloshing beer everywhere. The whole place was dancing and having a great time. All of the other ladies were able to be carefree, but I was trying to cover my bag. Eventually, I just had to put it down and hope for the best. When we got home that night he suggested I purchase a few cheaper bags so that when we went out I wouldn't be worried.

I don't think my current SO will ever appreciate my luxury goods like my ex did, but that's OK. His motto on my expensive things is that they cost too much for what they are, but if I make money I should buy what makes me happy. He bought me a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas to he isn't opposed to purchasing things just to make me happy.

It would probably be a good idea for me to buy a couple of inexpensive or midrange bags. That way I'll at least have some nice things I feel more comfortable using.
 
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#21
McLoverly said:
First, let me apologize for the many typos in my last post. Yikes!

You all have given me a lot of great opinions. I do think I need to start using my things more. He hasn't proposed and there is no need to rush to sell off my collection. I think I will slowly edit down a thing or two when I feel it is appropriate.

I was in an on/off relationship for nearly 10 years with an SO who appreciated Hermes. My ex admired my Hermes purchases and would go to vintage stores to hunt for finds with me. He would get an extra chair at a restaurant for my bag and would put his coat over my bag to protect it. However, he was an emotionally abusive cheater.

My current SO is a wonderful man. He spends time with my family, makes my mother breakfast on Mother's Day, goes to the butcher's shop to get my dog treats, buys me massage packages when my back hurts, watches my chick shows, spends almost every night with me, texts me every morning even when I've just left his house, rubs my head every night, does my laundry, feeds me wine and chocolate, has actually physically thrown his body over mine to protect me from an exploding car, and does a million other things that make him a great partner.

I used toasting as an example because the last time I brought a BV out to dinner we ended up at a German restaurant with his friends. A polka band came out and mini kegs were served at the tables. People were singing and swaying and sloshing beer everywhere. The whole place was dancing and having a great time. All of the other ladies were able to be carefree, but I was trying to cover my bag. Eventually, I just had to put it down and hope for the best. When we got home that night he suggested I purchase a few cheaper bags so that when we went out I wouldn't be worried.

I don't think my current SO will ever appreciate my luxury goods like my ex did, but that's OK. His motto on my expensive things is that they cost too much for what they are, but if I make money I should buy what makes me happy. He bought me a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas to he isn't opposed to purchasing things just to make me happy.

It would probably be a good idea for me to buy a couple of inexpensive or midrange bags. That way I'll at least have some nice things I feel more comfortable using.
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It sounds like your SO is a very practical and loving man and that's amazing!! Even though he makes a nice living he's still humble and that's rare because a lot of men have egos and would waste their money to show off their status. I completely get where you're coming from in feeling conflicted. I have a collection that I've built up nicely and adore, and my husband and I are going to buy our first home because we're going to start a family. Priorities change and with that we start feeling like we have invested quite a bit on things that we don't need to make us happy anymore. I used to looooove buying LV and chanel, and I still do here and there, but I no longer feel I need a collection. Being with my husband, who is practical just like your future husband, has shifted my views in a wonderful way and made me realize I don't need a collection of fancy things. True abundance comes from our ability to love and be loved. Material items can never enrich our lives. I, like you, would cater to my bags when we'd go somewhere. And that's just not practical. My husband caught on as well to how I'd baby my bags and it takes away from enjoying the present moment when you have a luxury handbag baby to watch haha- I know the feeling. So I get all the points you made from your standpoint and your SO's. The great thing about your collection is you can get a great deal of money back. You'll definitely lose some of what you paid but you'll feel so much more practical when you have that money in your bank than your closet. If I were you, I'd take notice of which bags I grab all the time, don't baby, and fit my lifestyle perfectly. Then, I'd sell off the ones that are more works of art that you're not using. As beautiful as these bags are, your future husband has wonderful perspective on how some of your bags aren't truly enjoyable to you. Sounds like your own intuition is telling you to be practical as well. And that's admirable! :smile:. So many women get bitten by the luxury goods bug and couldn't stop buying more if they tried. The fact that you're reevaluating your beliefs and realizing you don't need any of these things to have true abundance speaks volumes :smile:. At the same time, these pieces are very cherished by you and we all deserve a little luxury in our lives when we've reached a point where we can easily afford them. So I hope you enjoy your favorites, are able to slowly but surely downsize to what's practical for you, and enjoy every last beautiful bag you have. But again, how wonderful to have a SO who grounds you in such a way. In downsizing my own collection, I've actually gifted pieces to family that I would lose too much money on by selling. And their joy in receiving even one luxury item was worth it because they cherish them and use them more than I ever did. You could even pick a charity of your liking, and list a few things and then donate the money to a charity. That will make you feel sooooo wonderful to share the wealth while still keeping your favorites. I'm going to be a mom soon and I'm almost certain my collection is going to downsize to what I can wear crossbody and is comfy. Anything else has to go no matter how pretty it is. I'll always be able to find other handbags I love :smile:.
 
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#22
I disagree with the sentiment of never letting anyone change you. We are shaped by our experiences and our encounters with others is part of that. DH inspires me, challenges me, supports me, and incites me and ultimately he's made me a better person because he knows how to bring the best out of me and that came with me changing. I do the same for him. I want us to be better together than as individuals.

It sounds like you're thinking, "what's better for us?" and that's great as you look towards marriage. Figure out what pieces really matter to you and which ones don't, but I really think taking your time is best. I'd also have this conversation with him, because it sounds more like you're more bothered about the impact your taste for finer things has on him than he is. While finances are one of the most common reasons for divorce, you can have different money habits and still have a successful marriage as long as the two of you communicate and are respectful.

And definitely get some cheaper bags you can take out when you know things might get rowdy. Will take the worry out of the situation.
 
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#24
netter said:
Why is it when men buy a hot vintage car, it is a good investment, and when a woman invests in a product that can be worn, but it is an investment first, it is a waste?
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A vintage car and items to be worn are of the physical world. Both are not needed, but wanted. (Unless it's his only car, then it's somewhat needed). Men oftentimes just do it with more confidence and don't regret or feel bad about it. Also, with cars, men oftentimes have control over impulsively buying more. With women, shopping oftentimes forms into a habit. So it's not so much men vs women as it is perspective. Gender doesn't matter. Either gender is entitled to invest in what they love, frivolous or not. But men oftentimes have more control over going back for more when it comes to stuff/things. Hence why advertising is often aimed towards women. Women's closets are bigger than men's usually, for these reasons.
 
#26
remainsilly said:
I do not understand this part.

However, agree with confidence thought.
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Men don't shop as much as women, oftentimes. Shopping doesn't as often form into a habit for men than women. So when they invest, they're truly investing. Whereas women will say they're investing... in ten bags that look identical haha. But it's all in perspective to the individual. If people have hobbies of collecting, and can afford it, they should be able to enjoy it- and therefore have no afterthoughts of it being wasteful.
 
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#27
I think it has very little to do with gender. How many people here have seen both genders constantly need new cars, new phones, the latest and greatest gadget, etc.? Rampant consumerism is something experienced with any gender.

What I do see though is the changing of the assumption a man bought a woman something is more and more incorrect. Previously, if a man was the sole earner and bought himself something nice, it was "attaboy!" whereas if he bought his wife something (even when it was well-deserved; don't get me started on the contributions that corporate wives do for which they rarely get their due), she was seen as spending her husband's money.
 
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#28
leechiyong said:
I think it has very little to do with gender. How many people here have seen both genders constantly need new cars, new phones, the latest and greatest gadget, etc.? Rampant consumerism is something experienced with any gender.

What I do see though is the changing of the assumption a man bought a woman something is more and more incorrect. Previously, if a man was the sole earner and bought himself something nice, it was "attaboy!" whereas if he bought his wife something (even when it was well-deserved; don't get me started on the contributions that corporate wives do for which they rarely get their due), she was seen as spending her husband's money.
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Well said :smile:
 
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#29
I would maybe get rid of some bags that you "think" is not as useful to assuage some of the guilt you are feeling. Then get some cheaper designer bags that you don't mind tossing around. I'll go with Michael Kors, Rebecca Minkoff or Coach and use this in situations where I know I don't want to worry about my bags while I'm out. To go from premier designers to Target bags is too drastic of a change lMO !! There needs to be a middle ground where you can still enjoy carrying nice bags and it also makes sense to your SO for you not to be concerned about ruining your bags while you're out and can enjoy yourself fully.

For the other accessories or clothing, maybe also edit those that you don't use unless you are particularly attached to the collection.
 
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#30
wondering who bought the collection... the OP did say the 10-year bf loved her Hermes/bags, so maybe he splurged for several pieces and they represent (to the new bf) the previous relationship?, or guilt on the OP's part for wearing bags another guy purchased? that might be part of what's going on here. obviously if you're wearing things acquired from a past relationship they also have memories attached which you may/may not be willing to release.
 
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