Jokes~

#31
How to treat a Woman:

Wine her.
Dine her.
Call her.
Hold her.
Surprise her.
Compliment her.
Smile at her.
Listen to her.
Laugh with her.
Cry with her.
Romance her.
Encourage her.
Believe in her.
Pray with her.
Pray for her.
Cuddle with her.
Shop with her.
Give her jewelry.
Buy her flowers.
Hold her hand.
Write love letters to her.
Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.

! How To Treat a Man:

Show up naked.
Bring chicken wings.
Don't block the TV.
 
#32
^^^ omg Bagangel..that was hilarious...and the man part is so true...hehe..

heres something..not exactly a joke though...


Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

​
 
#33
Mechanic Vs Doctor


A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a car when he
spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take
a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage "Hey Doc,
want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic
was working on the car. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands
on a rag and asked,

"So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out,
repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it
works just like new.

So how can I make $39,675 a year, a pretty small salary, and you get
the really big bucks, $1,695,759, when you and I are doing basically
the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the
mechanic...

" Try doing it with the engine running."
 
#34
lostnexposed said:
^^^ omg Bagangel..that was hilarious...and the man part is so true...hehe..

heres something..not exactly a joke though...


Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

​
Click to expand...
I said them all perfectly :roflmfao: :roflmfao:
 
#37
YOU GOTTA LOVE OLD MEN

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court.

I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red,

orange, and blue.

The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the

old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he

sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything
wild in your life?"

The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had

sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
 
#38
BagAngel said:
YOU GOTTA LOVE OLD MEN

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court.

I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red,

orange, and blue.

The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the

old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he

sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything
wild in your life?"

The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had

sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
Click to expand...


omg...:roflmfao::roflmfao: is that a true story??
 
#39
The Moral of the story is

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and
go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt
Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that
he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his
mother.

"Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods
with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big
kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy
take his pants off, then Aunt Jane.... . At this point Mommy cut him off
and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save
the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face
when you tell it tonight.

"At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.
Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car
go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving
Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt
Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started
doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was
in the Army.

Mommy fainted...
THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS:

Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.
 
#40
lostnexposed said:
The Moral of the story is

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and
go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt
Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that
he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his
mother.

"Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods
with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big
kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy
take his pants off, then Aunt Jane.... . At this point Mommy cut him off
and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save
the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face
when you tell it tonight.

"At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.
Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car
go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving
Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt
Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started
doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was
in the Army.

Mommy fainted...
THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS:

Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.
Click to expand...
:roflmfao: :roflmfao: :roflmfao:
 
#44
I was in Target buying a large bag of Purina for my dog Lola - and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ DUH!
I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head.
I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.
Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital?
I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.
I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.
 
#45
Here is a riddle for the true intellectual. Try to come up with the
answer on your own. The answer is at the end for those who are unable to
think this one through.
At the exact same time, there are two 35 year old men on opposite
sides of the Earth:
One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers. The other is
getting "oral pleasure" from an 85 year old toothless woman. They are
both thinking the exact same thing. What are they both thinking?










Don't look down.
Don't look down.
Don't look down



 
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