Is anyone else a people pleaser?

  1. I am a people pleaser, and it drives me nuts!

    For example...I have a sister who gives my parents lots of trouble (even though she is in her early 20s), and I am always trying to be the perfect daughter (even at 27 years old), so I won't add more stress to their lives. If someone looks at me cross-eyed, I assume that I did something wrong. Tonight a friend of mine was supposed to meet up with me and some other friends. I had already had my one drink and for me, that is the limit because I have a very low alcohol tolerance, and me and my friends were all tired. Plus, we were getting massive thunderstorms. Because I never heard back from the friend who was supposed to meet up with us, I left and drove home. I live 30 minutes away from everyone else. When I got home, that my friend finally called and wanted to know where to meet us. I told her that I had enough to drink (even though it was early) and was already home and didn't want to drive all the way back. She got all huffy and annoyed. Of course, I cannot stop thinking about it and feeling awful that someone is mad at me. I had an ex-bf who was verbally abusive and when he would get angry with me I would take the blame even when it wasn't my fault- just so he wouldn't be mad at me anymore. There are so many other examples...

    I have such issues with people being angry with me of disappointed in me. When I was younger this manifested itself in an eating disorder. Now I just get anxiety. Some people might think I am nuts, but it seriously affects me. Does anyone else relate at all? :crybaby:
  2. It was your friend's fault for being late and missing the dinner!!! If she gets all 'huffy' you should just tell her that maybe if she were less 'fashionably late' she would have made it to dinner!!!! I would have!!!! Don't take the blame for another friend being late!!!! Actually, you and your other friends should be the ones who feel bad for her skipping out on your dinner! If it were important to her, she would have made it there w/o a hitch!!!!

    As for taking the blame for an A**hole bf....I could talk about it all night, but honestly, I can tell you whatever I wanna tell you, but when we are actually in that situation, it is harder to remember to take care of yourself because you are sooo worried about loosing the other person. Well, anyway, I am glad you aren't with him anymore. You need to realize that you can't always please everyone (ha! look who's talkin' miss people pleaser herself--I am tellin' you this caz I don't want you to be like me!) And remember that the person you need to make happy is YOU!

    Remember, you can't love someone else until you love yourself!!!! And that is really true. I had to find this out the hard way!
  3. Have you thought about going to counseling about this? It seems like it really bothers you, and it also seems like a behavior that you could "unlearn" with some effort and support.
  4. ITA
  5. I know abit about the way you feel....
    Its like you are taking on other peoples happiness and well being.....but trust me....that never can never help others fully, they need to help themselves...

    I started to act that way too for awhile when there was so much turmoil and problems that I felt that I needed to relieve it for others by taking on alot and taking s**t....but in the end.....your only hurting yourself...

    Take some time to fiquere things out for yourself and be sure to see that being the best you and taking care of yourself is the best way to effect someone else....
  6. Thanks for all the sweet responses. I have tried counseling many times. Unfortunately, I was doingreally last year with one counselor and then I moved across the country. It might be worth it to try it again. I am exhausted from bottling things inside so I won't upset anyone and for sacrificing my own needs to make others feel happy.
  7. I am a "People Pleaser" and am finally (at nearly 42 years old!) learning to say, "No!". I am learning that the more you give, the more people take. I've always been the one who worked the hardest and instead of being the most appreciated I'm FINALLY learning that I'm the most abused and taken advantage of! I've spent the last 10 years working 60 hours a week, spending every weekend on the road saving others' butts, giving up everything that I hold dear for my clients and everyone else.
    Finally this past year I put my foot down. I quit my corporate position and am now in the process of cutting my hours back in the salon. I'm realizing I can't make everyone happy! I can't do everything! I'm understanding that I have health issues that need to be addressed due to my work and I AM IMPORTANT! My wants and needs are important! I finally have a great man in my life and after almost 2 years with him, he is making me see the light!
    I actually cancelled a referral client the other night! I've never done that before! I was tired and wanted to go home after 9 hours of work so I called and cacelled her and went home to rest! Man, did that feel good! I would have never done that 3 years ago! I just didn't even care, "I thought, 'There's 22,000 hair dressers in Las Vegas let her find one of them!'."
    My advice to you is learn NOW! You are aware of what you're doing.....learn to put yourself first and STOP! You can't make everyone else happy. So what if someone is upset with you....whoop-de-do! It is hard but realizing the issue is the first step.
    Good luck!!! And if you ever need me to call one of your friends and tell them to jump in the lake that you're not doing what they want and you're spending your time doing what YOU want....just let me know! I'll give them a call, I"m getting pretty good at it! hehe
  8. ^ That was totally and utterly fabulous! Your advice was serious but also hysterical and witty. You (as well as the other sweeties who responded and sent me PMs) are inspirations. I am going to call that friend later and tell her that I am sorry we were not able to get together last night but that she should have called me earlier. I am going to try to stand my ground. Hopefully, it will go well because we work together and I have to see her tomorrow! But if she wants to be a brat, big deal! :lol:
  9. DAMN SKIPPY!!! NOW STICK TO YOUR GUNS!!! I can't implore you enough to learn and learn deserve to make yourself happy!! It's not your job to please everyone else. And if all else fails we all still luv ya!!!!:yahoo:
  10. I am a total people pleaser. A lot like OP. I am trying to recondition myself. It takes a while. Good luck, I hope you find a new therapist where you are now, if you want one of course. :smile: I don't mean to assume. It is very exhausting and stressful to always try to please everyone.
  11. I gave up on pleasing people about 15 years ago. I was all about making sure everyone was taken care of, that they were happy with me, etc....ended up making my life miserable and one day I just said "@#$% it. Me first'.

    So I don't do the 'me first' thing all the time, however, I don't please people all the time either. There's got to be an equal balance somewhere.
  12. I`m dying to know how the conversation went ...way to go girl , good luck ! :yahoo:
  13. I can be at times and I read that it happens to a lot of eldest-born children. We have a tendency for perfectionism, overachieving, and people pleasing.
  14. ^that´s totally me and I am the eldest one....I think it has to do with the fact that parents expect so much from the first one. The danger is to push it too far, by wanting to please others you forget yourself, and also it´s a never ending thing you´ll never be pleased and at peace, and ppl won´t appreciate you any better Sometimes it´s far better to just say "no".
    I second the therapist advice, good luck to you, we´ll support you !
  15. ^ Yes, I am the eldest in my family too. I worry about the health of my parents and how my sister and I can affect how they feel. Being that my sister is always in trouble, I feel like I need to be perfect.

    As an update, I am at work and that girl has not spoken to me at all. She never returned my call yesterday, and I invited her to lunch today, but she ignored me. At this point, I have done all I can do. If she wants to be a baby, then fine. I am just going through my day all positive and focusing on my work (except for when I check this site, of course. haha). She cannot steal my sunshine! :lol: