Is age really just a number? Opinions solicited.

[Sternchen]

I'm with everybody else: As good as it sounds, it's probably not such a great idea. I've actually got a little bit of experience in this department, so I will share my story.

From the time I was 13 until now (I'm 21) I spoke to a man online, who (for the first few years) I didn't know too much about and he didn't know much about me either. We never shared with eachother how old we were, we just had a nice time talking to eachother about random things. When I turned 18, I made a comment about my birthday party - and he was very surprised to learn that I was so young. I asked him how old he was, and he told me he was 40...one year younger than my mother..at the time. This didn't really bother me, and we continued talking and sharing things about eachother. Eventually, we exchanged pictures - and I was immediatelyattracted to him. He was a very distinguished man, reminding me of a not-yet-gray Richard Gere (I think he's delicious!!). Our online-relationship developed a little bit more and we remained great friends who also spoke on the phone occasionally.

After I had turned 19, he told me he would be in Washington DC on business and if I would like to meet with him (I was living in Annapolis, MD at the time) and I agreed. I had met a number of people online before this, so I was pretty comfortable with the idea and knew what to do in regards to safety. The two of us met at Tysons II (Shopping mall in Tysons Corner, va) and immediately clicked. We spent the whole day together and went out to dinner that night, and then later to a club. Over all, we had a great time! After that night, we met every night for the 2 weeks he was in Washington DC. After the first 5 days, things developed somewhat quickly and we began sharing his hotel room in the Ritz Carlton attached to the Tysons Mall.

We began to talk about having a relationship together and how things would work. He was divorced, no children, and a real estate agent in Virginia Beach...I was 19, in college, no children. When he left, things were up in the air for the both of us - and when he was back home I couldn't reach him. He was very busy and I became very needy and clingy. I knew right then that if I couldn't reach him, I couldn't be with him. 2 weeks after my episode, things slowed down for him but it was already over for me.

Anyway. If you can see now that your lives are headed in two different directions and you both have different priorities, I wouldn't really go much further than casually dating with this...

 

[Kat]

When I met my husband I was 28 and he was 50, divorced, with a 13 year old son. We have been together 15 years now and have been married for 13 years. However, I think we are not the norm. I would think that most relationships with a big age gap don't really work out. I also know if I were 21 it would have been much different. I grew up quite a bit from 21 to 28. At 21 I don't think I could have handled all the responsibilites that go with not only a serious relationship but one that also involves stepchildren. There are many times when sacrifices have to be made. It's a hard road. Make sure the guy is worth it.

 

[pugsonpurses]

Do you want a father? and eventually a patient? Because in the end, thats what you will have if you let this relationship get more complicated-all of us over 40!! are used to men our age ditching their wives and going after someone in her 20s-and most of the time, speaking of relationships of people I know and have known, they don't work-having a 3 year old and being in school? what do you want out of life-if you want a true partner, I would put on the brakes-good luck!

 

[hmwe46]

Wow, there are already a lot of great tips and stories being shared here, but I'll add my 2 cents anyway...

I was married at 24, right out of Grad School and divorced 8 yrs later due to incompatible lifestyles. Marriages are sooo hard to make work even under the best of circumstances.

I'm 36 now, have a wonderful man in my life (who is slightly older than I am), and am living life to it's fullest!! We entertain, go to parties, shows, train dogs, jog and mountain bike together and have a ton of common interests that are instrumental in keeping the relationship solid.

I can not fathom what life would be like if I were committed to a 66 year old.

When I was 21 I couldn't imagine being 36, LOL.

But your 30s are an amazing age!! I am incredibly fit, physicallly and socially active, way more involved in LIFE now than 15 years ago!!! To have that limited by a partner in his mid 60s is just beyond my comprehension.

Good luck with your decision!!!

 

[Megs]

Personally, I could never see myself dating someone my father's age. In my opinion you need to think of how it will affect him- his friends, work partners, family, KIDS. His kids are your age- I do not see many kids being ok with that. I think in the long run, it could really be much more stressful and awkward once you become an item than not.

 

[Aslan]

Okay, you guys have got me thinking about the future, and I feel stupid to admit, I haven't really thought past the next year or so.

I just might not be ready to assume a relationship with an elderly person when I reach my thirties.

But at 53, he seems so full of life, and with just a few wrinkles, he doesn't really seem all that 'old' to me.

After hearing all the wise responses in this thread, I want to continue to 'casually date' him (that and the whole preg thing is a deal buster). I'm just afraid to confirm his fears that I'm going through a 'phase' after all, and never had any serious interest in a real relationship.

 

[merika]

I warn you against...I have a friend who was married in her early 20s to a man roughly 20 years older than her. He was in his 40's very youthful and energetic. They were married for many years, and have kids also. Now, though, he is very old and frail, and she, being almost two decades younger is vital and energetic. She finds life very constricting and is not happy with the choices she made long ago.

It is nice if someone wants you, and the attraction of a stable relationship with an already financially established person sweetens the deal even more, but think of what life will be a few years into the future...when you are 50 and in your prime, would you want to dance attendence on someone who is 80+?

 

[Eugin]

I'm sorry if I sound blunt, but I would be very hesistant to enter a relationship under these circumstances. For most people their 20's, early 30's are the key years to finding someone. If you get seriously involved with this man, fall in love, and things don't work out due to all these roadblocks it could take a long time to extricate yourself out of this. By then, you don't want to feel like the best years of your youth were spent on a relationship that seemed doomed from the beginning of working out. Plus, I would be a little concerned on why a 50-something year old man is not interested in someone even within say 20 years of his age. Is it be cause of a mid-life crisis or something else that is not safe or healthy for you? I'd keep your options open especially with guys closer to your own age. Good luck with your decision and keep us posted.

 

[roey]

I agree. Most older men date and marry significantly younger women more for their own selfish reasons (ego, mid-life crisis) than truly loving you, caring about you, and wanting what is best for you.

 

[HauteMama]

My mom married a man 22 years her senior, and they were happily married for 19 years. Well, happy for most of that time, until my dad had a heart attack... and then a stroke... and then type 2 diabetes and various other health issues. He left her a widow at age 49.

They were very happy, and I loved my dad to death, but I regret never having the chance to know him well as an adult. I wouldn't want to put my kids through it, either. Yes, people can die at any age from any number of causes, but when you get deeply involved with a significantly older partner, you have to be aware of what you might be in for.

The relationships CAN and do work, but if you are having serious doubts now, then I'd avoid against it. If you were sure you wanted to be with him and didn't have any hesitation, you wouldn't be asking anyone else's opinion. Good luck with your decision.

 

[-coquelicot-]

I am 22 years old, and my boyfriend is 33. We've gotten along splendidly.

We met when I was just 16 years old, and while there were many disapproving individuals, we were (and still are) madly in love with each other.

 

[avandome]

Personally I do not believe true love should worry about age. Having said that... I do not think you would have posted here the way you did IF it was a true love case... I am worried, that with such a age difference you will end up feeling like you are missing out on alot of things. God forbid he becomes ill, you will be his "nurse" and going against one's family can be a painful and difficult thing.

 

[Aslan]

Personally I do not believe true love should worry about age. Having said that... I do not think you would have posted here the way you did IF it was a true love case...

Honestly, I don't believe in true love. I believe that love is something affected by various external circumstances, therefore it can never be true or pure...

That said, I love this man. I don't know what it feels like to be 'in love' (really don't know what that even means) but I know I care about and look after this man like I do my close family (my mom and sis). Even if we are never in a serious relationship mode, I will want to be in his life for as long as we both have it.

I asked advice, the impetus being my particular situation, but I asked a general question about life circumstances because I know that 'true love' is often molded by these circumstances, circumstances outside the two of us...

At this point I do want a casual relationship, because I don't want to rush into anything on account of the problems we've had, and my age.

But honestly, if he wants a serious relationship to even be involved in any way with me (and I will ask him this question today or tomorrow)...I'll take it, because I don't really want to be without him.

 

[Aslan]

Is it be cause of a mid-life crisis or something else that is not safe or healthy for you?

My mother believes this to be so, as a result of some problems I've had with him that has nothing to do with his age (I would elaborate but I don't want them to be the focus of this thread...I know everyone would reply 'leave him', but I have already chosen to accept and forgive). However, I feel these issues could as easily come up with someone my own age, and I've pointed that out to Mommy.

 

[Japster]

Like Kat, I am also married to someone significantly older. I was in my early twenties when I met & married my dh who was in his 40's. Things might have gone differently if he had children from his previous marriage, but he did not.

We have been married now almost 7 years, We have a 6 and 4 year old and for the most part we get along fantastic.
Advantages: We are both very similar politically, social activists, very devoted to causes we love, loyal to our friends/family. He's established in his formal education/training & career. He loves me very deeply & when I was sick a few times (10 week hospitalization, miscarriages, and tubal pregnancy), he stood right by my side, my rock and my support.
Dis-advantages: He is sometimes set in his ways, he did have a couple age-related health issues. His mother is a PITA (but I guess that has nothing to do with age. LOL).