Is a commitment "real" if you're not married?

  1. Ok, gals (and the few men here)...why is it that most women feel that if they're not married, their relationship isn't real?

    After reading the other thread about moving in with your partner, I noticed that a lot of the girls felt the ultimate goal in a relationship is to get married, whereas I think the ultimate goal is to create a loving, and caring commitment. Now, that's not to say that they aren't attainable in a marriage, but rather, if you're in a loving, caring relationship, that's not enough, cause you're lacking the ring.

    Can you be satisfied with your partner's word for commitment, or does a marriage certificate make it stronger...or, does this all not matter as the reason you got married was simply to show your love to the world and your family.

    Honestly, I have no intentions of ever getting married, but that doesn't mean that I don't want a longterm commited relationship. So tell me your thoughts!

    I'm ready for the flames!!
  2. [​IMG] Just kidding.. I say whatever works for you. That's what's going to happen anyway
  3. IMO, no matter how "committed" the relationship is, there are certain benefits that are only associated with marriage. For example, in the state I live in it is ILLEGAL for a company to extend benefits to a partner who is not a legal spouse.

    Also taxes, social security, a mortgage with rights of survivorship recognize a marriage certificate and no other contract.

    It is very easy to have a committed relationship without marriage when both parties are young and don't have a lot, but it gets more complicated later on.
  4. I don't feel that way-as I said in the other thread, I lived with my husband for 5 years before we were married and we were very committed to each other in that time. I did want to get married, but, that was more for legal reasons (I wanted to be his official next of kin, etc.) and also because I wanted to have a wedding and wear a beautiful dress :biggrin:.
  5. Because we know what are your intentions. Without going into social evolution theories, you don't care for anything except to get under our skirts! Surely if we are going to let you do that, can't you give us some stability in return, LOL?

    But seriously, no doubt you can have a loving relationship without marriage but a woman in a relationship has an element of psychological insecurity because we have heard of too many occasions when men just leave for the lamest reasons on earth (including the perennial favourite: You are too good for me). Marriage certificate and diamond ring are not going to change your Neanderthals propensities but we like to think so!

    Suggested reading list: Bridget Jones' Diary by Helen Fielding (film is not relevant) and you will understand woman's psychology, LOL.

    If you are interested tell me and I'll PM you the pdf version of the study of female psychology by Sigmund Freud regarding marriage!
  6. Women who want to be married want security, which the above things offer.
    These aren't offered if your not legally married. If your married, you have a tie that can't easily be broken, so you are more likely to try to work through issues. Too easy t just walk away in a "commitment."
    I don't care if someone chooses not to be married. That's their choice, I'm sure they have their reasons. Just not my business.
  7. I've been with my bf for almost 7 years, and we're 100% committed to each other. With marriages that last 2 days in this world (a la Britney Spears), no one will ever be able to convince me that a marriage is the only form of commitment or that it's a better form of it. In the past 7 years, I've seen plenty of my friends and family members get married (and insist that I'm missing out by not being married) and subsequently get divorced a year or two later.

    One of my biggest pet peeves is people telling other people how they should live their lives. I think people should do what works for them. If you want to be married, go for it. If you don't, go for it.
  8. ITA! I really do believe in marriage itself though it doesn't matter what other people do. I think it's a large part to show other people too though, but for me I would matter to be married, rather just committed - isn't that assumed?
  9. I also believe in marriage but that is not to say that people who are not married cannot have a loving & committed relationship. I think it is the goal of the majority of young women to eventually have the full marriage committment, big wedding etc. It is just so sad now that divorce rates are so high.
  10. I might get married one day but I am in no rush. Maybe it's a european thing but only 50% of children born in France have their parents married. People now think that it's the children who are the real "commitment" that ties a couple together.(and that's where the challenge is !) Then they get married bc it's easier for lots of reasons : medical, paperwork, mortage, taxes, legal rights, etc....
    I have been with my BF for 7 years, living together for 5. And all people around me live at least 3 years together before getting married (And maybe that's why the divorce rate is lower in my country) so the marriage doesn't change much their life, they were already committed to each other, it's just papers. I think the most important in a relationship is love, trust, honesty, married or not if you don't trust the man, it's not marrying him that will make him change and restraining from cheating. There is being married and being happily married.
    So no I don't need a ring , I am already in a steady commited relationship, but I mean why not ??
    May I ask you why you don't want to get married ??
  11. I believe very strongly in marriage. To me, it is two people coming together and saying that no matter what hard times we go through, we are together for LIFE. Unfortunatly, with the high rate of divorce nowadays, the significance has died somewhat. To be in a long term relationship and not married is just not the same to me.
  12. Believe it or not Charles, I completely agree with you and I also don't ever plan on getting married. But I also believe I am in the minority of women who think this way.

    I don't think that a marriage certificate and a ring get you any more committment and security than what already exists in a longterm relationship - especially these days when it seems that more and more people don't stick to the "til death do us part" bit.

    I do agree with what others have said, that marriage grants you certain legal rights, I just don't have any interest in getting married to obtain those rights.
  13. I am one of those that absolutely believe in marriage, always wanted to get married, was always waiting for the right person to get married to, and consider it the ultimate commitment -

    BUT I do know that there are no guarantees in life. For me there are also children, and yes of course in Europe there are a lot of couples that aren't married and have children but not me. I was not one of the girls to play wedding or think how it should be (a la Monica) but I just see it as a protected form of relationship/commitment. Ring on the finger/paper signed - period, end of story - anyway, something to that effect, if you get what I mean?

    I would not say though ever that others cannot have a committed relationship without being married - I am sure it is entirely possible. so whatever works for you.
  14. To be honest I was NOT as commited to the men (not that there were that many. LOL) that I just lived with as I am to my marriage. I loved living with a guy because it was easy to walk away! LOL Although, my DH says I am just like a man. I wasn't the one pushing for marriage. It was usually the men in my case. They all wanted to put me on lockdown :wtf: HEE HEE HOWEVER, I am happy to be married now and definately believe in marriage for the kids' sake and for legal issues!
  15. Well I have been with my fiance for 5 years and we have a house and mortgage together, but I know what you mean, we are totally commited to each other but it seems marriage is seen as the ultimate commitment. When my fiance put his life insurance at work in my name one of his colleagues made a remark about the fact we are not married even though his is in his wifes name and they have only been together two years and married one. That made me so angry!