Infuriating conversation, bluntness, role reversal and regret

  1. So I met a guy who is the most awkward conversationalist I've ever met. It takes 40 minutes for him to get the point. He skirts the issue by talking about repetitive things that aren't very interesting. Worse of all, he stops in between every word. It's quite frustrating talking to him on the phone!

    So yesterday I call, tell him I'm going to be gone for awhile and if he is free this week, I'd love to see him.

    I think I hurt him a bit because he wasn't getting the hint that I didn't want to hang out on Thursday (I already had plans, I was going to a club with a friend and the crowd is a bunch of friends from the school, some of which I haven't seen since before break). He seemed very excited to go, but I wanted to make sure he understood that I wouldn't be able to entertain him all evening.... Finally I just said my mind and told him that it's not a good idea if he showed up.

    But that's not just it. We are both on rebound and cannot be in a relationship right now. He wanted to come up with ideas of what we would do when we hang out. His ideas sounded like to fake dating to me. I didn't know if he really wanted "dinner and movie" or just thought that's what I wanted. So I told him that he could be very blunt and just tell me what he wanted.... He kept talking about the dinner and the movie, which I wasn't interested in, so then I just said something to the effect of, "are you kidding me? I reject guys who suggest a dinner and a movie for dates. It shows no creativity. You know this is a purely casual relationship, right?"

    So I talked to my male friend afterward, and he said that maybe the guy is confused because usually girls want some sort of "relationship" even if it's not possible. At this point in my life, I am not going to delude myself into thinking that I am that perfect girl who he is going to fall in love with right after he just broke up with the love of his life!

    I don't know why I'm so blunt these days. He's actually a really nice guy. I want to be more complimentary around him (but not to the point where he thinks I'm insincere -- I don't give many compliments, and I can be somewhat b*tchy towards men). I don't want to hurt him. I am beginning to think that maybe he is a bit sensitive. I want to temper my sharp tongue. Any advice on how to do this? I'm a sarcastic person, and I don't want to lose that....
  2. Sonya - you scare me! Sounds like you have alot of rules/control you think you need to do. Just relax & have fun.
    Believe me, in the long run you want a nice guy.
  3. I scare myself right now, frankly.

    But we are both on rebound, so it's not possible to be in a real relationship, emotionally and realistically.

    Yes, I do want a nice guy in the long run.... Right now I am in such a transitory period of my life that I cannot focus on the long run.... But he is also not focused on the long term either.

    Actually, it's not so much I have a lot of rules/control as it is that I am very aware of the situation and am detached enough to act rationally.

    Is there a way I can apologize for my bluntness?
  4. I don't want to sound rude, so please forgive me if I do. The way to "temper your sharp tongue" is to treat people the way you wish to be treated. Think before you speak. It sounds as if you are playing mind games with him and he is totally bewildered. You say you "reject guys who suggest dinner and a movie for dates", perhaps you could suggest something more creative? He obviously thought you would like to go out for dinner and a movie and if he is a sensitive soul, your response may have hurt and confused him. Maybe lighten up a bit, he sounds like he could be a good friend.
  5. LOL Maybe I enjoy talking - and listening - too much, but this guy just does not sound like a fun date to me, and I mean fun date in the most basic and wholesome sense, not the fifties euphemism for "hooking up."

    Thus, the question that comes to my mind is, why do you want to go out with him at all? Surely you can find somebody with whom simple conversation is a more pleasant experience!
  6. Talking is a huge part of the human experience, whether you remain just friends, date, FWBs, etc. Perhaps this isn't the right guy for you to rebound with, since he seems to annoy you (I'm only assuming, given the fact that you didn't have anything positive to say about him except that he's a "nice guy").
  7. If you want bluntness then be blunt. Don't play games with him by challenging him to think of something more creative. Like what? If this is just casual then why the need for creativity?

    Also, your first paragraph sounded like you were trying to ditch him; but, then at the end it sounds like you want to keep him around for a good time. If I am confused I can imagine how he must feel. :p

    And let's be honest - friends DO dinner - it is not a psuedo-date - it is food; we all like to eat, drink wine, relax, yes? As a blunt woman myself I have never been afraid to ask for what I want, you can't leave it up to the man all the time; especially a man who just lost his "true love", as you put it.

    Have fun and whatever will be will be
  8. Being in a transitional stage in your life may not be the good time to even enter into a relationship. Until you get your transition completed, I say hang with your friends and work on your situation and move towards putting a rebound relationship behind you. It is only then you will glisten with a new sense of self and relationships will come much easier. JMHO
  9. Dallas,

    No you are not rude. I appreciate your comments.

    Does it seem like I am playing mind games? We both told each other from the beginning that we are on rebound. He even told me that he has no qualms dating other girls in the meantime. I'm fine with that because I know that we are both not ready for a relationship right now.

    Do you think I should call and apologize right now?
  10. I got kinda mixed messages from your original post. You said "if he is free this week, I'd love to see him" but then "I wanted to make sure he understood that I wouldn't be able to entertain him all evening.... Finally I just ...told him that it's not a good idea if he showed up.":confused1:

    I know its hard to convey every detail in these posts so I'm only commenting on the gist of your OP.
    I used to have a HUGE problem with sarcasm myself. You know what cured me? Friends stopped wanting to hang around with me. I'm glad that I was considerate enough to swallow my pride and consider that I needed to change my behavior. Afterall, it wasn't my personality that was irking people, it was my choice of communication. It is something that is changeable if you really care about not hurting people.
    Like others have said, just be more compassionate with people. You already sound like a genuinely nice person who apparently does care about how they are coming across to people.
  11. To be blunt ;) yes, I would apologize and just take it easy, have fun. Good luck.
  12. Oh sonya your man problems truly abound. If you're not interested, don't act interested. If you are, don't act sarcastic. It sounds like you want to be chased but don't know to what end.
  13. He just called. He said he wasn't offended by what I had said. I still apologized multiple times for my rudeness. I don't want to hurt him. I do think he's a nice guy and he does have a lot going for him. He's not that bad of a conversationalist in person, just over the phone.

    Also, I think I actually said something like, if you are free, it would be nice to hang out this week before I leave. I don't think I used the word "love" when I talked to him.

    As far as the dinner and the movie be more creative part goes, what I was trying to say was, no, I'm not interested in dating you at all. I wasn't asking him to be more creative. I was very rudely (and I realized this afterwards) telling him that I would never date a guy like him. (Don't want to explain why, but he isn't my "type" for a boyfriend, plus his life isn't in order.)

    Anyway, I just talked to him and we have a better understand of each other, I think.

    Thank you for your comments. :flowers: They are very helpful.
  14. if your don't want a relationship right now your being nicer to him in the long run by telling him.

    i do agree that certain 'mold's show no creativity and for a grrl who needs that creativity...obviously it will be a dealbreaker for you

    good luck in finding love
  15. I have a friend that is a therapist. She says being sarcastic is just another word for being mean, but in a passive aggressive way. Watch how often you are sarcastic. I think its good to be "witty" but it can go over the line very easily.
    I don't know how old you are but please don't get stuck in the "not my type" mode. You might be passing up some good ones!
    I do understand the not having his life in order. That's being smart & knowing the right time.