In Laws after a new baby

  1. Ok. So this is our second baby and we are excited... but... as her arrival draws near, I can't help but worry about overnight guests. With our first baby it was easier, my mom came to stay with us for two weeks (THANK GOD) and helped while I recouped and DH continued to work. My in-laws at the time, lived only 45 minutes away so they came over for an afternoon or two during that time but nothing extended. This time, they live 7 hours away and I am getting worried. I do love them, but I am having a c-section this time and I don't want anyone "helping" me other than DH and my mom. Am I being selfish? How do I flat out tell DH "hey, I don't want anyone else here"? I have hinted and he knows my mom is going to be there to help... I really don't want to have a huge fight about this.... I am so much more sensitive with this pregnancy then I was with the other one! Anyone been there?
  2. I can understand you wanting your mum to help, but your MIL is the child's grandma too. I think you are being selfish and a wee bit cruel wanting to leave your husband's mum out of the picture. How would you feel if your husband said that he only wanted his mother there to help out? Am I missing something? Is there a reason why you don't want your in-laws there? I'm sorry if I'm being harsh but this will hurt your DH and his parent's at a time when there should be nothing but joy.
    I wish you all the best with your new baby.
  3. Maybe your mom might need a break... It is a lot of work caring for you, baby, and other child. Couple of afternoons to apease the In laws. Maybe after a week when you are somewhat settled. My MIL is coming for 3 weeks after a C section and I know she is going to be tired.
  4. Sorry Silva, I am with Dallas on this one. Your in laws are as exited about this child and want to help as much as your mom. And this time around there will not only be the baby around, but a another one around.

    As the mother of 3 boys, whom I love dearly...and will cherish grandchildren from...hope that my future DILs will be gracious and understanding when I extend an offer to help out when the time comes.
  5. I guess a little more background... I am just thinking about the amount of work when they come over. I am constantly picking up after them, I am not an organizational freak but we only have a 3 bedroom house and when you add 2 additional people, leaving things scattered makes it cramped. And you know, there are certain ways that you do things and I know that after my son was born, while I did not have what I would call severe post-partum depression, I was a little sensitive for a few days and having to do additional things around the house would drive me a little insane. I am not opposed to having them be there while we are at the hospital or even if they want to come over for a couple of weeks after my mom leaves; it is just the idea of 3 extra adults in our house that is making me a little edgy.
  6. I understand both sides here...HOWEVER, I am the type of person that does not like to ask for help at the best of times. You are going to be in bed, exhausted and maybe in a little pain. I would want MY mother for sure. On the flip side, your inlaws are going to want to be there for you. On a positive note, let them all be there for you. Let them clean your home, while you rest, cook for you, help with the baby, etc...try not to let it make you crazy. Take the help and enjoy the down time that you will be allowed. KWIM. I do not think you are selfish. xx
  7. If anything, let your DH be the buffer, and he can speak up for you!
  8. Well, these are my thoughts. While I too have two sons and hope that someday my DIL will allow me to share in family, I also know what it's like to have a MIL that I don't feel comfortable with.

    This is a time for you to bond with new baby and to relax. if you can't do that with the in-laws, then it makes sense that you have DH talk about this with them... always sounds better coming from "blood". I know with my MIL, she drives me crazy and actually causes MORE work for me. She's a person who can't sit still, so she's always looking for something to do, so I would have to keep "helping" her with finding useful things to do or else she is rearranging my refrigerator or deep cleaning when she isn't supposed to do that stuff anymore (osteoperosis).

    Good luck!
  9. I'm totally in your camp, though don't have the issue personally since my MIL passed away a few days after my wedding. It's your house, you'll be the one recovering from a c-section, in pain, with movement issues, and having to take care of another child. You should have who you want there. It's not about making someone else feel included or that they're sharing the event, it's about you doing what you need to do. They should be able to understand that, and, quite frankly, it's not like this time while you're healing up is the only chance they'll have to see the kid. I don't think you're being selfish at all.

    We just had brunch with friends of ours who have a new baby and that was actually the one piece of advice that they both gave us. My friend was like: "Don't have anyone but your mom, and I mean your mom there for the first few weeks, unless it's for like 20 minutes." Her husband's parents (two sets, since they're divorced and both have new partners) came, and apparently it was just complete chaos. They were both miserable and even her husband thought it was a huge mistake.

    If it makes you feel better, so far, I've asked my own mother to plan to come out a few weeks later rather than right away, and I'm super-close to my family, especially my mom. I have a night nurse to help at night, so I'd rather have mom come when I've had a chance to adjust a little bit and might be more able to go for walks and enjoy her company. I was a little worried she'd be upset, but she totally gets it. Your MIL might as well.

    I'd talk to your DH about it, and ask him to approach your MIL. Maybe you can frame it as having them come for a week later, when the baby is more alert and you can do things together?
  10. Agree with above.

    You know what it is? With our own moms (if it's a somewhat normal relationship), your mom KNOWS YOU. She knows what you like and don't like and has seen you naked and knows your temperment. It's easier to ask from help from Mom than from MIL unless your MIL has made a concerted effort to be your FRIEND and not a MIL.

    I know, based on my own experience with my MIL, that I will be bending over backwards to have a good relationship with my future DILs because it will be THEM who will decide how much or how little I get to be involved with the grandkids. Do husbands remember to call their moms? Not in my experience, it's the DIL saying, "Honey, you shoudl really call your mom" and so on. In my experience, its' the wife/woman who rules the roost and so I want to be "on their side" and not be critical of their decisions or the way they do things. Being a critical MIL is a great way to be CUT OUT of the picture !LOL
  11. If that is what you want, that is what you should have. Your in laws will have plenty of opportunities to be with the child, but it doesn't have to right after the birth 24/7.

    I am totally with you, I adore my inlaws, but I don't want them in my house during such a tough transition. I wouldn't want it to change our relationship.
  12. Will your IL's act like "guest" which will add more burden on your part instead of added help? If that is the case, then I suggest talking to DH about it. You are the one who just gave birth and only you can tell if your body is ready for any added tasks aside from nursing your newborn.
    Good luck and congratulations in advance.
  13. I think you are lucky to have in laws that are willing to help. My in-laws live across the country (26 hours driving, an all day trip to fly) from where I live. This will be the first grand baby on both sides. They told my husband they don't want to "waste" their vacation on coming down to see the baby so they are going to stay in Dallas (7 hours away) and go shopping, sight seeing etc and drive to me for a day or two!!!!!! You are lucky to have people willing to help. Once DH goes back to work, it will be me & baby until my maternity leave is exhausted then I go back to work.
  14. The samething happens to my family members and they expect there daughter inlaw to care for them and the child:cursing: I know were you are coming from. You need your rest and want to spend time with the baby afterwards. I think they should come for a day, but not stay a long time because its not going to be easy for you. Why dont people understand that after someone has a baby they want to rest not have company? Your mom is a different because well its your I hope it works out for you..Maybe they can come for a week after a month:smile:
  15. ITA!