I'm single and my wedding is freaking me out!


tPF Bish
Jul 7, 2006
My mother and I both have very strong personalities. I don't have a boyfriend, and I don't want to get married right now, but I feel like I have to think about damage control now, before I get caught up in stuff down the line.

Let me back up:

Moving into my college dorm (all four years of college) I argued with her about what I wanted, she argued with me about what she wanted, we got into a big fight, and it ruined the moving experience.

Moving into my apartment. I went in with the attitude that it would be all her and if I don't like something I can change it later. I gave her all the power and she still kept needling me and abusing that power. She had to keep a constant running commentary with "Caitlin? This goes, here. Okay? And this goes here." I wanted her to shut up for like five minutes. That ruined the moving experience.

What's my next big event? My wedding!

If I don't think of something, she's going to be one of those Mother of the Bridezillas, and it's not like I can change anything later. I want a day that's mine and about me. Part of me thinks that I'll just plan it with no input from her whatsoever. (But she has to have some input, otherwise there will be no help from my parents.)

I know she does all this because she loves me and wants the best for me, but she can be a COMPLETE psycho about it.

Like the girl that I am, I bring up things that I would like at my wedding. Usually it's "Whatever you want." Until I casually brought up the fact that I would like male attendants instead of bridesmaids. (I don't want the Gay Man's Chorus, but I'm closer to my guy friends right now, and I don't want to find girls just so I can fulfill the Female Quota). Immediately it was "No, you CAN'T have men standing up for you! You need girls!"

God! I'm just thinking of doing a justice of the peace thing and then having my parents help me throw a rager later on. But then I think about how I want my dad to walk me down the aisle and I can't have my dad without my mom and I think I'm making too big a deal of this and it's freaking me out!


Certified bag addict
Mar 31, 2006
I'm sorry you have this situation. If I were you, I would worry about your wedding when the time comes. Your mom really shouldn't be so controlling, b/c afterall, your wedding is your day. Maybe she will change her mind or something when your are planning your actual wedding. Good Luck!


Nov 30, 2006
How about not worrying about it right now, since it's not even really on the horizon? Maybe when you do find Mr. Right you/he will be financially stable enough to pay for it yourselves and do it on your own terms. If you're having your parents pay, you're going to have to make some concessions to what they want. If you are really determined to do everything exactly how you want it, it's probably worth it to foot the bill yourself, even if that means a smaller or less extravagant wedding.


Sylvie Guillem fan
May 10, 2006
I think you are right to start training Mom now. I worry not so much about your wedding as I do that she will interfere with your marriage and your new household. You need to establish your independence now.

There are some excellent business management books on "managing up." You can get them cheap as used books on Amazon.com These books give tips for controlling over-controlling bosses. I used lots of them on my boss before I went into business for myself. I still use these tools on some of my clients. Not one has a clue that I am leading them to the "decisions" they make.

One technique is to never argue - always agree. Stay positive.

Example: a client calls me and wants a Tuesday 10am appointment. I know she always takes a long time so I want to see her in the late afternoon so she doesn't delay my other appointments. What I would say:
"How nice to hear from you? Buying another time share in Maui? Sounds lovely! Congratulations! I'd love to work with you on Tuesday. I wish I could see you sooner but the first opening I have is at 4pm. After that the only opening I have this week is Friday at 3."

I suggest you practice the techniques on your mother over "small" stuff, like let her help you choose a waffle iron if you decide to buy one. Try leading her to choosing just the one you like best.

If you were in the middle of a Wedding Momzilla problem now -
I would suggest you hire a Wedding Planner and have her manage Mum. I love to plan parties so I wouldn't want the Planner to do that. I would hire her to simply keep Mum under control. Some planners are very good at doing this in such a way that Mum doesn't know she is being managed.

A wedding planner could be an excellent teacher for you on how to "manage up." Perhaps you can pay for a one-time lesson.


Aug 6, 2006
My mom planned the whole wedding, every detail! That's how my family does that stuff. I know most girls in the US plan everything but at the same time when I was getting married a few of my friends were too, honest they were basketcases, one could have been on that Bridezillas show; personally I was happy to let someone else do the work. I guess if you like to plan and make calls then you had better let your mom know now. Seriously you should sit down and talk honestly with her, you are an adult and have the right to run your life the way you see fit; remind her that you know she is older and wiser and value her opinion but it is your life. Good luck sweetie!


Nov 1, 2006
Are you being a little touchy? Well, you know your mother better than I do, but it's best not to take the things moms do too personally. Some mothers don't really like the fact that you want off the apron strings. My mother lives in a far-off South Asian country and she calls me up with things like "You know your computer which you left home for me to use is not connecting to the internet anymore. Is it all right if I call someone to fix it?" and I'm like "MOM YOU HAD TO WAKE ME UP AT 2AM TO TELL ME THIS? I'm in the US, I can't drive over and fix it for you!!" Most of the time I try to be patient, though. Also, it's best not to keep hurt feelings in mind. The best way is not to keep carping on past experiences, but if you had a blowup just go on from there hoping that it cleared the air, at least for a while.

(My mom then remembers to keep time differences in track, at least for a couple weeks!)


Apr 24, 2006
My mom, made me crazy. Unfortunately she passed in March, so I only have thoughts of the craziness.

How I handled the wedding was. My dad paid for it, which made my mom powerless. Additionally I told her that I wanted to honor her and that I didn't want her to do a single thing. Ie order what you want, do what you want, have a planner or bridal attendant, and make mom their problem.