I need perspective/advice. Was/Is your husband/partner afraid of having kids?

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  1. #1 Jul 5, 2009
    Last edited: Jul 5, 2009
    My husband and I were pretty surprised when I got pregnant in February (miscarried a week after we found out - i was about 6 weeks).

    Now he is scared to death about having kids. He's 33 and I'll be 34 in two weeks. We've been together for almost 11 years, married for almost 7, and always talked about having kids some day.

    I asked him if there was a difference between uncertainty about having kids and fear of having kids. He said he wasn't sure but thought they were the same.

    I always dreamed that my husband would be as excited as me to have kids, and he's just not. He's pretty much "if it happens great, if not, great". It drives me crazy...mostly because I want kids more than anything!

    I was going to start Clomid this cycle, but after yet another "scared" talk, I agreed to push it back another two months. I don't mind doing it, but I hope I don't have to keep on doing it :sad:

    I guess I just want to know if anyone else has a husband or partner (or even you!) that isn't totally excited about kids?

    thanks :heart:
  2. I have kind of a different situation (which I am fine with) but it relates a little to yours. We had a DS in February. He is absolutely fabulous and my DH is a WONDERFUL father, though it did take him about 5 weeks to really dive in and do things without fear. Now, he is pretty confident he does not want another. And this isn't because of our child (he is a delight that sleeps 12-13 hours a night and can go anywhere). He is worried about the pregnancy. I had a pretty easy pregnancy (I thought) but toward the end it did get a little dicey - preterm labor, bedrest for 6 weeks and a baby 5 weeks early. Throughout it all, I was confident everything would be okay. I just knew. No worries, no prayer, no concern. Apparently, my DH was a wreck (though I never saw it). He does say he spent 8 weeks in fear, worrrying, praying, hoping (which is so unlike him.)

    Maybe if you try to get the 'root' of his anxiety, you will find out more.

    Good luck...
  3. Oh, another thing... sorry! I was sort of the same way as DH and so scared. I wanted a baby but then when 'push came to shove' it seemed like something that I wasn't sure I could handle. I was 34 when we got pregnant (close in age to you, I think!) I have PCOS and we had been sorta' kinda' trying for about 2 years. We decided to step it up and go to a fertility doctor. I went to the first appointment which was fine. Then, I had a six week appointment to really probe the issues and I was so scared, I cancelled the appointment. I so wanted a baby and then go to thinking... can we handle this? Well, somehow during this time (just after I cancelled the appointment), I got pregnant. I was so unbelievably thrilled but I just needed a little push to feel confident that we could do it. Now, it is truly the best thing ever to happen to either of us.
  4. thanks steph! i have pcos too so your post gives me more hope :heart:
  5. Another PCOS girl here:smile: I am starting clomid in a couple of days, if I were you I would start your clomid instead of putting it off for a couple of months. Once I found out I had PCOS, I started to feel like every day really counts. I wish we had started trying sooner. I think that your DH will be more excited about it once you are preggo/the baby is born. I think that men have a lot of apprehension out of fear that something will happen to the woman that they love. If you start clomid this cycle, then we can be clomid buddies! Yay!!
  6. My husband is totally afraid. He's pushed me off for 5 years.. and sometimes I feel that now he is finally TTC because he "has" to. He just turned 36, I'm 34, so time is of the essence.. We've been married 11 years.. it's definitely time for the next chapter.

    Sometimes I get very upset because I feel that his negative energy may actually defeat the purpose and work against us getting pregnant. But that just may be my own pent up frustration because I'm not pregnant yet.
  7. I always say I don't want kids, but I'm still young and I know that has a lot to do with it. There's just so many things I want to do in life like travel more, go out more, further my education, be financially stable, and just be alone with my so! These things would be virtually impossible/difficult if there were kids in the picture. Call me selfish, but I definitely need more 'me' time. My SO is also the same way, kids (and even puppies) freak him out.
  8. i know. that's what i want to do, but he wants to wait. he doesn't get it, not matter how many times i try to tell him. yes, i could get pregnant the first try with clomid, but it very well could take a while :sad: ugh.

    that's how i feel too chodessa. :sad:
  9. I can relate. DH and I have been together for 10 years, married for 5. For him having children was something that you do, not necessarily because you want them, but because that is part of the plan (you date, get married, have kids, etc). I was ready to start trying about 9 months before he was, so we decided to start trying the beginning of 2009. We literally got pregnant on New Years Eve/Day. When the test came back positive two weeks into 2009 I thought he might freak out. Since the moment I told him he has been excited and supportive. I know that he has some moments of doubt (will he be a good father, what will life be like with a baby, does he even know what to do with a baby...). Now that becoming a dad is a reality, he has really accepted it and seems to be enjoying it.

    Many men that I know (DH included), do not crave children/parenthood like women do. Just because DH didn't long for a family, I don't think that will make him any less of a father. They are just wired differently.
  10. my personal opinion, if you have potential fertility issues, and you are 34, don't wait. i'd have a serious talk at this point. because if you end up needing fertility treatment, you want to do that younger rather than older.

    if he's 33 and not ready, then i'd suggest counseling, because at that age, i'd think a man would be ready to start a family and i'd be concerned as to why he is scared.
  11. I would definitely try to get to the root of why he's scared of having kids, like other posters have stated. It might be that he's worried about your health, you've already had a miscarriage. He might be stressed about the entire pregnancy not going very well. Maybe he sees how much you want it, and it hurts him to see you so upset if things don't go well? Whatever it is, I'm sure he'll be a great dad! Best wishes!!
  12. DH was terrified.

    Once our son came it took a LONG time for him to get involved. In fact there was one night that he came home after work and was on his way out the door to go play games with his buddies. I was in the bathroom floor bawling asking him why he wouldn't just take our son already and he said, "I am not a babysitter!"...so I told him, "Right! You are his DAD!!!"

    After that...he changed SO much. Now...I know that if I died tomorrow he wouldn't need me to help with our son. In fact, when I travel for work, etc...they do JUST fine without me, even if I am gone for a week!

    I think that in your situation...he might be scared to go through what you just did in February. I am sure seeing you hurting and his own pain my have him afraid.

    All I can say is just please hang in there! I pray for you a lot...and just know that this will get easier. It may get harder before it gets easier, but I know in my heart that you and your DH will get through this!!! BIG HUGS!!!
  13. thanks so much you guys :heart:

    i think it is just that he's scared and not that he does not want children. i just do not want to be one of those women who 'traps' her man with a kid. :lol: but i know my husband and he would not agree to having a child if he truly did not want one.

    he keeps saying little things that make me feel better (max of 2 kids, "when we have kids", stuff like that) so that helps a lot.

    alliemia, yes, we are working on the fertility stuff. once this cycle starts, i'm going in for a day 3 ultrasound and will have my fallopian tubes checked to make sure everything is okay (he will also have a sperm analysis done). waiting another couple months is fine; it takes the pressure off of getting these tests done super fast. ;)

    thanks again you guys. your words and experiences have really helped :smile:
  14. I'm the one who has been scared in our house. If I could have done things exactly the way I wanted to, we would have waited a couple of years - gone to Europe, spent time just us being married, etc. But DH just turned 39 (I'm 32) and has talked about being a dad since before we got married. We married in Feb 08 and I quit the pill in August. Got pregnant in November. I'm 32 weeks pregnant and finally feel like I'm used to the idea of being a mom! I felt like just jumping into TTC was the right decision for me because I knew I'd have the next 9 months to prepare. But I'm not sure how I would have felt had DH been the one who was hesitant.

    Some men who are scared of getting pregnant because of TTC and the actual pregnancy, not because they are afraid of having children. They are worried about complicated pregnancies, miscarriages, having a wife who becomes a different person because of hormones, etc. They also hear and read about relationships that become consumed with fertility treatments, having sex only on fertile days, savings accounts that dwindle to nothing and then taking out a 2nd mortgage, adoptions that fall through at the last minute. A man doesn't want his woman to be depressed when she miscarries or cannot conceive - he is helpless in those situations. It's a lot for a man to digest, especially when most men just want to be in love with the woman they married. Especially after a miscarriage, if any of this is going on in your husband's head, his fears seem pretty legitimate to me - there has to be a way for you (or a counselor) to understand him and help him overcome it.
  15. Some men are slow about these things and once the little one arrives they are happy about it....