I need advice...

[envyme]

So I had this friend who was cool until she got a boyfriend who I really didn't care for because he seemed like a fraud. Initially, I mentioned politely some of my concerns but she always defended him. Well its now a year later and she is 8 months pregnant and he left her. He conned her out of THOUSANDS of dollars, lied to her about his age and profession (he is a true life pimp - no joke), and told her that he never wanted anything to do with her. Also, she consigned a Range Rover for him and he has not been paying the payments and won't give it back to her. She ordered a voluntary repossession via the finance company but they can't locate him and she does not know where he is staying.

She calls me crying because she is constantly depressed. But, our relationship kind of faded because of her behaviour when she was dating him. She kind of turned me off. I know she needs support right now but I really don't want to hang around her.

What should I do? Give her fake support?

 

[Roo]

You must understand that this was probably a form of abuse this person endured and part of the abuse process can sometimes involve a form of brainwashing. The person who defended him may have been defending him out of fear or because she was being manipulated. You just need to decide whether your conscience dictates to you that you be there for this person, regardless of HER behavior towards you. Does that make sense?

 

[purselova34]

Yeah, and abusive people try to sperate people from family and friend who truly love/care for them. So, the loved ones feel ignored and up and leave. So, the abuser can say, "See, they didn't care for you."

 

[annemerrick]

I think in this situation, an "I told you so", or even feeling like that is not what your friend needs. It seems to me that she is really in a deep pile of SH*& . Eight months pregnant, in financial difficulties, etc....if you can bear to just simply be her friend and look past the fact that sometimes when you are in a situation, especially where love is concerned...you can lose all sense of reason. You may have known better at the beginning, and told her so, but she is still sitting in a really bad place NOW!!! If you can stand it, bite the bullet, listen to her cry and complain over someone you knew was a loser anyway, and one day she will appreciate the fact that when she needed you, you were plain and simply there for her. (I had an almost identical situation with my best friend a few years ago, so sorry if I sound like I am preaching!!)

 

[envyme]

Well, sometimes I feel like she got what she deserved because she is so judgmental when it comes to other people. I should feel bad for saying that, but I don't...

 

[envyme]

I think in this situation, an "I told you so", or even feeling like that is not what your friend needs. It seems to me that she is really in a deep pile of SH*& . Eight months pregnant, in financial difficulties, etc....if you can bear to just simply be her friend and look past the fact that sometimes when you are in a situation, especially where love is concerned...you can lose all sense of reason. You may have known better at the beginning, and told her so, but she is still sitting in a really bad place NOW!!! If you can stand it, bite the bullet, listen to her cry and complain over someone you knew was a loser anyway, and one day she will appreciate the fact that when she needed you, you were plain and simply there for her. (I had an almost identical situation with my best friend a few years ago, so sorry if I sound like I am preaching!!)

You're right. Thanks.

 

[Roo]

Well, sometimes I feel like she got what she deserved because she is so judgmental when it comes to other people. I should feel bad for saying that, but I don't...

There is nothing wrong with recognizing that every action in life results in a REaction.

As someone who was battered over 20 years ago by a former partner, I can smell these situations like a fart in the car.

I think it is hard for others to see people who make victimhood a way of life. I have a friend who has gone from one bad situation with a man to another. She is 48 years old and to tell you the truth, the situation has gotten old and although we are friends, I've made it clear to her that I can no longer bail her out of these things emotionally. So as a result we don't talk about her "latest" trainwreck/ relationship. The problem is that some people never seem to learn and they thrive on the drama and like to drag others into it with them.

I was in a very abusive situation but I saw that if did not get OUT of it, I would end up dead. I left and never looked back. I learned to recognize the types of guys who were batterers and how to avoid them. It took me years of therapy to recover and I still have some residual issues from it in the form of some mild PTSD.

 

[BalenciagaLove]

I think in this situation, an "I told you so", or even feeling like that is not what your friend needs. It seems to me that she is really in a deep pile of SH*& . Eight months pregnant, in financial difficulties, etc....if you can bear to just simply be her friend and look past the fact that sometimes when you are in a situation, especially where love is concerned...you can lose all sense of reason. You may have known better at the beginning, and told her so, but she is still sitting in a really bad place NOW!!! If you can stand it, bite the bullet, listen to her cry and complain over someone you knew was a loser anyway, and one day she will appreciate the fact that when she needed you, you were plain and simply there for her. (I had an almost identical situation with my best friend a few years ago, so sorry if I sound like I am preaching!!)

^^^ I so agree! Personally, I think she needs some compassion. She probably deserves a whole lot less, but being the bigger person speaks volumes for your character. A friend in need is a friend indeed, right?

 

[jasanna143]

I think in this situation, an "I told you so", or even feeling like that is not what your friend needs. It seems to me that she is really in a deep pile of SH*& . Eight months pregnant, in financial difficulties, etc....if you can bear to just simply be her friend and look past the fact that sometimes when you are in a situation, especially where love is concerned...you can lose all sense of reason. You may have known better at the beginning, and told her so, but she is still sitting in a really bad place NOW!!! If you can stand it, bite the bullet, listen to her cry and complain over someone you knew was a loser anyway, and one day she will appreciate the fact that when she needed you, you were plain and simply there for her. (I had an almost identical situation with my best friend a few years ago, so sorry if I sound like I am preaching!!)

Very true!

Also, have you and your friend tried playing detective? Have y'all asked friends/fam where he was last seen? Do you have a lic plate on the veh? If u get that, that can be run thru MVD and address found for repo co.

 

[LucreziaCA]

At this point, since you were good friends before she hooked up with this loser, I would support her; pregnant, abandoned, conned and lied to- that really sucks. I would try to support her in her troubles, but also try and help her see how you had a feeling that this dude was bad news, and that you tried to share your concerns with her, and she shunned you for it.

Now, if she persists in finding abusive relationships and ignoring your good advice, then you should consider severing ties with her. But hopefully she will be able to move past this, and recognize the mistakes she has made.

 

[envyme]

Very true!

Also, have you and your friend tried playing detective? Have y'all asked friends/fam where he was last seen? Do you have a lic plate on the veh? If u get that, that can be run thru MVD and address found for repo co.

Well the finance company, Chase Bank I believe, is on the case. They have the motor vehicle information. They just have to track him down. My friend has emailed his mother but mommy dearest is not shelling out any information regarding the location of her son.

 

[envyme]

At this point, since you were good friends before she hooked up with this loser, I would support her; pregnant, abandoned, conned and lied to- that really sucks. I would try to support her in her troubles, but also try and help her see how you had a feeling that this dude was bad news, and that you tried to share your concerns with her, and she shunned you for it.

Now, if she persists in finding abusive relationships and ignoring your good advice, then you should consider severing ties with her. But hopefully she will be able to move past this, and recognize the mistakes she has made.

Good Advice.

 

[envyme]

There is nothing wrong with recognizing that every action in life results in a REaction.

As someone who was battered over 20 years ago by a former partner, I can smell these situations like a fart in the car.

I think it is hard for others to see people who make victimhood a way of life. I have a friend who has gone from one bad situation with a man to another. She is 48 years old and to tell you the truth, the situation has gotten old and although we are friends, I've made it clear to her that I can no longer bail her out of these things emotionally. So as a result we don't talk about her "latest" trainwreck/ relationship. The problem is that some people never seem to learn and they thrive on the drama and like to drag others into it with them.

I was in a very abusive situation but I saw that if did not get OUT of it, I would end up dead. I left and never looked back. I learned to recognize the types of guys who were batterers and how to avoid them. It took me years of therapy to recover and I still have some residual issues from it in the form of some mild PTSD.

I hear you! I hate drama. Especially other people's drama. I try my hardest every day to distance myself from potentially dramatic situations. I love serenity and a clear mind and I don't appreciate others burdening me with the constant dramatic situations they jump
in.

However, you all are right. I don't have any children but I bet her hormones coupled with her obvious depression is tearing her to pieces, so I will be there for her.

 

[Roo]

Be there for her, but don't do it at the expense of yourself. Help her help HERSELF. That's the best thing you can do. If she doesn't want to help herself, then you'll know right away. Set boundaries around what you will do and don't back down.

 

[alvie223]

I would say that you tell her that you love her. Honestly it's a crappy situation but I've been on both sides in situations and I think often people who are eager to please do whatever it takes and don't think about it after and then seek pity and the help of others bcuz they don't know how to take care of themselves.