I made a big mistake

J

jen98

New Member
Dec 23, 2006
1
0
#1
Hi Girls! I am new here and heard about this site from my best friend who is on here daily. She said that you guys give the best advice a girl can get.....so here I am.
I have been married a few years to a man I've been with for almost a decade now. The past year has been really difficult for us mainly due to the fact that there have been major changes for both of us career wise....also the fact that there is a pretty big age difference as well. (He is a lot older.) He is a corrections officer and I am in sales....two totally different worlds. Not only that...totally different schedules. So we seem to spend more time with our friends and co-workers then each other. And then we argue when we are together.
I recently was at a party and ran into this guy that I have known for years now always been attracted to. We are in the same business and have a ton of things in common....and there is an absolute physical connection also. The only time I see him is at the yearly company parties. So we end up sitting in a corner and talking for almost 3 hours about everything under the sun....it felt nice to just talk to someone that understood. At the end of the night we gave each other a hug goodbye and a kiss on the cheek.....that suddenly turned into a full blown kiss. I ended it....he apologized and we parted ways. I know that it was wrong but I wanted it to happen. That kiss is the only thing I have thought about for the past couple days.
I have decided that I am not going to keep in contact with this other guy and keep my distance when I do see him. I have also decided not tell my husband about it because it won't happen again...and have also began to take a serious look at my marriage. Its not fair to either of us if I don't do everything I can to save it.
 
#2
oh wow! You kissed the other guy!?? Wow, I don't understand that part. But if you really feel like you want to save your marriage then, yes try to save it! It is not fair for both of you.
 
#3
I think it's the best to not tell him, too because this just might create pure chaos and will block the chances of getting your act together.
IMO things like this can happen and they're not the end if the world. At least this incident got you looking closely on your marriage. Both of you need to sit down and talk about why you're fighting. You might ask him if he#s happy because may be he's as unhappy as you're. We had had serious problems, too a while back and the night we talked we both saw the misery of each other. We went to see a marriage guidance counsellor on a weekly bases for almost a year and things really changed in our relationship. We're still together and try to make it work because we love each other dearly. This might be an option to look inti because the counseler can ask the right questions. I hope it'll work out for you.
Big hugs!!
 
#4
I could never keep this from my SO and would never anyhow. I don't think that builds a great marriage, JMHO though. You say you would like to work on your marriage, but your husband deserves to know that this happened- and that you want to work and want to make it work.

It is ultimately your decision... but I think the guilt of this will eat you.

Good luck, and let us know!
 
#5
I think you need to talk it over with your husband. You have been with him this long, and something like this, even though it's awkward and may stir up lots of emotions, should be discussed directly with him. I hope that you two work things out together. It's hard to have the same passion with someone you've been with forever and have not so much in common, but try to think of what brought you two together and moments when you have had such passion with your husband.
The kiss is not real, and you need to admit that to yourself as well as to your husband when you talk about it.
 
#6
Whether you tell your husband or not about the kiss is ultimately up to you, but I would definitely look into why you kissed this guy in the first place. Marriage is difficult, and though I have only been married a year, I have been with my DH for six years and I know how tough long term relationships can be. You mentioned that there is a considerable age difference between the two of you--did you get married young? Do you feel like you have missed out? I guess the major question is if you want to remain married, and only you can answer that.
 
#7
I think that the Kiss seemes like it has alot of emotions tied to it...than just a simple mistake that can be forgotten. It does sound like you had a real attraction to this guy and a connection was made.....although it wont go any further than what happened...it is a big deal and should be looked at and dealt with. I dont know what to tell you about being honest to your husband about this....good luck with everything.
 
#8
You don't have to tell him right away, but it might eat at you. I really hope you work this out. Tanja's post was pretty inspiring. If you don't want to be in the marriage at all, that's one thing, but if you want to make it work, you should have a talk with him and be willing to put a lot of effort into it.
 
#9
Even if the serious look at your marriage should develop into a situation where the two of you decide to end it, it would not be advisable to move immediately into another relationship.

In fact, if you suspect that the guy from the company party might be someone that you would like to get to know better, even if you ended your marriage and after an appropriate and much-needed "time out" to adjust and do some introspecting and getting centered etc etc etc, began to re-enter the dating world, this guy should not be a part of that transition.

Anybody who might be "special" should be saved for the time when you have worked through the inevitable recovery period and are unqualifiedly and completely free of any baggage, rebounding or related emotional debris.
 
#10
Megs said:
I could never keep this from my SO and would never anyhow. I don't think that builds a great marriage, JMHO though. You say you would like to work on your marriage, but your husband deserves to know that this happened- and that you want to work and want to make it work.

It is ultimately your decision... but I think the guilt of this will eat you.

Good luck, and let us know!
Click to expand...

:yes::yes::yes: ITA trying to work on your marriage by starting off hiding things may not be a good idea.. I will think good thoughts and hope that you work things out.:flowers:
 
#11
Wow, what a rough situation. If I were in your shoes, I'd sit hubby down and tell him that we need to take a hard, serious look at our marriage and perhaps reconsider careers or at least working hours. I'd tell him that something happened that you regret at a holiday party and you to want to examine WHY it happened. You don't have to tell him all the details about the kiss, just tell him that it was something beyond a peck on the cheek. Most of all, let him know that you are telling him BECAUSE you love him, and because you want to the marriage to be a success. Maybe suggest marriage counseling. All marriages go through very rough patches and moments where it feels like you're just not gonna make it, but I know many couples who have managed to survive those rock-bottom moments and are happily married today.

Also, try not to think about that kiss too much. When you're dissatisfied with your marriage and are feeling neglected or unfulfilled, you tend to romanticize other men and put them on pedestals, and think "what if" I were with this hot, attentive guy? It's very natural for you to want to feel loved and adored so I can see why the kiss happened, but until you re-examine your vows to your husband and try to work that out, try not to dwell on that kiss. Remember that it was probably more the result of you WANTING to feel adored, rather than a true love connection with the guy.

Good luck and let us know what happens!
 
#12
I agree that its NOT right to keep secrets in a healthy relationship.
Id sit him down and tell him that the two of you have drifted apart and youd like to work it out.However...then fill him in on your little kiss issue.Keeping secrets is wrong..itll eat at you and youll never have the chance of a TRULY HEALTHY relationship if you arent 100% HONEST.
 
#13
I think your willingness to sit him down for a honest talk will show him that you really want to sort out your problems and work things out, and he'll appreciate your honesty.
 
#14
Megs said:
I could never keep this from my SO and would never anyhow. I don't think that builds a great marriage, JMHO though. You say you would like to work on your marriage, but your husband deserves to know that this happened- and that you want to work and want to make it work.

It is ultimately your decision... but I think the guilt of this will eat you.

Good luck, and let us know!
Click to expand...
great advice megs, i was just about to say the same thing.:yes:
 
#15
I would not tell him -- certainly not right away. Try to step back and examine what has been going on in your relationship. Maybe you can talk and address the problems without telling him -- IMO if he knows, it may prevent you from being able to work things out. If you can improve things, the kiss was just a catalyst. Don't hurt his feelings unnecessarily.
 
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