It's one horrible relationship after another. One broken heart after another. Two with bipolar, one of which also heard voices with ADD and who knows what other personality disorders. I thought that was painful. I knew he wasn't good for me, yet I stuck with it for way too long. In retrospect it should have made it easier. Somehow I ended up (legally) drugged just to deal with every day life with him.
Then I met somebody that embodied everything I wanted in a man. Or so I thought. He treated me well, I enjoyed every second I spent with him. Honestly, things were perfect when we were physically together. Never had a real fight. Then came the weekends. He'd tell me he's busy, not really telling me with what, besides seeing his friends. Then he'd fall off the face of the earth. For 3 days. Come Monday, everything was fine and dandy again.
I wasn't asking him to drop his social life for me. I just don't understand why I wasn't invited along, or why he couldn't just freaking pick up the phone to say hi, or goodnight or whatever. I mean, I spent 5 or 6 days a week with him, why would I expect him to forget my existence on the weekends?
And when I confronted him with how he acts on the weekends, he just says he "doesn't know what he wants." Nothing more. Doesn't say in regards to what... doesn't say that something about ME bothers him. He flips from he's "scared of losing himself" to he guesses he might be afraid of another serious relationship, to he's scared of falling for me when I'm not completely sure of who I am yet. (Of course when I say that I don't know who I am yet, I mean my place in the world, as I still have a crap job and live with my parents....)
How does one go from telling me he loves me Monday through Friday, and then not know what he wants Saturday and Sunday when absolutely nothing has happened between us. I don't think that I'm out of line by asking him to just call me? (Yes, I've tried calling him, but I try not to as I don't want to be chasing him, but even when I do, he doesn't answer.)
All his friends are married besides him and his roommate. He says he wants a family, but how the hell does he think that's going to work when he disappears without a trace for days?
It just makes me sad that for once, I broke down my barriers for somebody, and return I get... nothing. I am very reserved and hold back generally... I don't like to let people in. I let him in, though, and he's just not ready to really let me in.
It sucks. I want somebody to tell me I'm the greatest girlfriend, or that I make him the happiest he's ever been, or something... He just won't say things like that to me. He says that his body just won't let him say them. Um. okay.
I'm just so sad. I mistakenly made him my world. I included him in everything that I did, but it just doesn't go both ways. I guess it's because I didn't have much of a social life before him, as I was involved in my website job. My friends are are involved in their own lives, so it's not that I have my own things to do really. But I understand that he needs his friends and whatnot... I never asked him to pick me over them. Just to call me? Why does that spark an "I don't know what I want" conversation?
I suppose it's a commitment thing, part that he's used to being highly dependent, and not used to have somebody relying on him... who knows. He sure doesn't seem to know.
I hate myself for not being more easygoing to the point that this weekend bs wouldn't bother me. I just can't brush off things like that. If feels so crappy knowing that I'm just not a priority for him. I just don't understand anything in life. I almost wish he would have done something horrible to me so I could have a reason to be mad. Never in my life have I met anybody, male or female, that I've gotten along with so well. We have the same stupid sense of humor that NOBODY gets, think the same stupid things at the same time. Obviously there's more, but this is long enough. I honestly thought he might just be the one.
I finally emailed him after he didn't answer his phone last night telling him that I was moving on with my life, and if at some point he decides what he wants he is more than welcome to join me. I don't know what else I could do. He clearly wants space, so I need to give it. It just hurts so so so badly. He took me to LA last week where I had the best week of my life, and he claimed the same. Now here I sit, alone in my room, crying my stupid eyes out and I don't even know what the problem is. It's foolish to actually believe that he'll decide that I'm what he wants and things will work out. After so many tries with other people, I don't really think that many people are truly capable of changing.
Is this even a changing thing, or a settling down thing? I don't know. (We're 25, and it's been 6 months. Not very long, yes, I know. But enough for me to have fallen head over freaking heels for him.)
Then I met somebody that embodied everything I wanted in a man. Or so I thought. He treated me well, I enjoyed every second I spent with him. Honestly, things were perfect when we were physically together. Never had a real fight. Then came the weekends. He'd tell me he's busy, not really telling me with what, besides seeing his friends. Then he'd fall off the face of the earth. For 3 days. Come Monday, everything was fine and dandy again.
I wasn't asking him to drop his social life for me. I just don't understand why I wasn't invited along, or why he couldn't just freaking pick up the phone to say hi, or goodnight or whatever. I mean, I spent 5 or 6 days a week with him, why would I expect him to forget my existence on the weekends?
And when I confronted him with how he acts on the weekends, he just says he "doesn't know what he wants." Nothing more. Doesn't say in regards to what... doesn't say that something about ME bothers him. He flips from he's "scared of losing himself" to he guesses he might be afraid of another serious relationship, to he's scared of falling for me when I'm not completely sure of who I am yet. (Of course when I say that I don't know who I am yet, I mean my place in the world, as I still have a crap job and live with my parents....)
How does one go from telling me he loves me Monday through Friday, and then not know what he wants Saturday and Sunday when absolutely nothing has happened between us. I don't think that I'm out of line by asking him to just call me? (Yes, I've tried calling him, but I try not to as I don't want to be chasing him, but even when I do, he doesn't answer.)
All his friends are married besides him and his roommate. He says he wants a family, but how the hell does he think that's going to work when he disappears without a trace for days?
It just makes me sad that for once, I broke down my barriers for somebody, and return I get... nothing. I am very reserved and hold back generally... I don't like to let people in. I let him in, though, and he's just not ready to really let me in.
It sucks. I want somebody to tell me I'm the greatest girlfriend, or that I make him the happiest he's ever been, or something... He just won't say things like that to me. He says that his body just won't let him say them. Um. okay.
I'm just so sad. I mistakenly made him my world. I included him in everything that I did, but it just doesn't go both ways. I guess it's because I didn't have much of a social life before him, as I was involved in my website job. My friends are are involved in their own lives, so it's not that I have my own things to do really. But I understand that he needs his friends and whatnot... I never asked him to pick me over them. Just to call me? Why does that spark an "I don't know what I want" conversation?
I suppose it's a commitment thing, part that he's used to being highly dependent, and not used to have somebody relying on him... who knows. He sure doesn't seem to know.
I hate myself for not being more easygoing to the point that this weekend bs wouldn't bother me. I just can't brush off things like that. If feels so crappy knowing that I'm just not a priority for him. I just don't understand anything in life. I almost wish he would have done something horrible to me so I could have a reason to be mad. Never in my life have I met anybody, male or female, that I've gotten along with so well. We have the same stupid sense of humor that NOBODY gets, think the same stupid things at the same time. Obviously there's more, but this is long enough. I honestly thought he might just be the one.
I finally emailed him after he didn't answer his phone last night telling him that I was moving on with my life, and if at some point he decides what he wants he is more than welcome to join me. I don't know what else I could do. He clearly wants space, so I need to give it. It just hurts so so so badly. He took me to LA last week where I had the best week of my life, and he claimed the same. Now here I sit, alone in my room, crying my stupid eyes out and I don't even know what the problem is. It's foolish to actually believe that he'll decide that I'm what he wants and things will work out. After so many tries with other people, I don't really think that many people are truly capable of changing.
Is this even a changing thing, or a settling down thing? I don't know. (We're 25, and it's been 6 months. Not very long, yes, I know. But enough for me to have fallen head over freaking heels for him.)