i am SO angry! someone help me put this in perspective before DH stops speaking to me

[ilzabet]

today my mother in law's almost year old lab mix picked a fight with my husband's childhood doxie. she was seriously hurt (needed multiple facial stitches, has bites on her head, lost a lot of blood, etc) and could have been killed (the lab had the doxie by the neck and was shaking her). on an animal lover level, i am very sorry this dog is hurt. but also on an animal lover level i am SO ANGRY this happened that i'm shaking. and picking a fight with my husband over it....

this particular doxie is a snotty *****. they have two other well behaved doxies that are fine. the lab and the doxie haven't gotten along since the day the lab entered the house. it's just a personality thing. some dogs just don't get along....and like i mentioned, the doxie is a snotty ***** to begin with.

the lab is also the biggest dog they've had in a long time. she's still has a TON lab sized puppy energy, but rarely gets walked or disciplined. so you end up with a frustrated dog. she also hasn't been spayed yet (only one of the dogs has actually "we don't know whether she'll want a litter of puppies someday....she might make a great mommy and don't want to take that experience away from her" ) so there's the hormonal female territorial snipping to deal with too.

why am i so angry? and why am i picking a fight with my husband? he thinks just because i hate the dog that i don't care. and that everyone has the right to raise their pets how they see fit. and how would i like it if another dog attacked my dog.

i see his point, i do. this is HIS dog, his childhood buddy, his confidant. but i am so seethingly angry i can't be empathetic. this shouldn't have happened. BUT i blame his parents for not training the other one or paying attention to the fact they don't get along or that the one that got hurt picks fights or that the one that did the hurting is frustrated and has raging hormones for absolutely no reason.........

and they're ALL in denial that any PEOPLE did anything wrong here and zoey's just a bad dog......i'm so afraid of what's going to happen to her because of people did her an injustice. i can't focus on the other dog, the one that's so important to my husband.

someone help me. please.

i should be more sympathetic but i'm just too pissed.

 

[dallas]

Sometimes hon, when you're as angry as you are right now, it's best to shut up. I'm not trying to be rude but trying to blame someone is not going to get you anywhere. Go for a walk, have a bath, bake some biscuits, but for goodness sake, shut up. It isn't worth it. When your anger has died down, then talk about it.

 

[ilzabet]

very true. i realized that as he simultaneously left for a fire call (which was very good timing) a few minutes before started typing that post....which is why we're currently not speaking.

i just really need to learn to keep my mouth shut about most things pertaining to his parents.....i'm usually really really good at shutting up....but this just hit home for some reason.

i know it does no good blaming anyone. what's done is done. i guess i'm just venting because it does less to no harm here. biscuits do sound good though.

 

[MandM]

I can totally see why you would be angry. It's soooo upsetting to see people who don't take good and responsible care of their pets


It's especially difficult when the people are in your own family. It's sort of like watching relatives who are less than great parents to their kids -- you want to just step in and "fix" them!

It does sound like this should have been prevented by the humans. I worry about the lab too...if they start treating her like a "bad girl" she will probably get more stressed and out of control. She needs stability and training.

One bit of advice though -- I definitely wouldn't call the little doxie a "snotty *****" when discussing it w/ DH, lol! Plus, even those snotty ones deserve to be kept safe

Anyway, I hope you can influence your in-laws to be better pet parents...without ticking off your husband!

 

[QueenOfDa702]

I totally understand what you are saying. They should have taken the situation into consideration before anything ever happened, but instead they were blind to the fact that the dogs never got along to begin with and this was going to happen sooner or later. I would be pissed too, and IMHO his parents ARE to blame for this. They should have NEVER EVER had the dogs in the same house if they dont get along, especially with one being so much bigger than the other! Sure, dogs fight, mine get into their little "sister spats" too(not very often though), but they are both the same size and could hardly hurt one another. Considering the Labs size, they should have never kept her around, or at least tried to spay her to calm the hormones, and if that didnt work then it was time to find another home for her.
A good example is, before we got Princess our neighbor found a medium sized dog. Looked like he could be half pit and maybe half lab. He was the sweetest dog ever, wouldnt hurt a fly, but Mariah absolutely HATED him. I gave it 1 month and she just would not warm up to him and would constantly snap at him. I felt horrible for the poor boy, not to mention terrified one day he would get sick of Mariah and snap back at her, which would not have been good at all considering his size. So, I had to do what I didnt want to do, gave him to a friend of mine. Now, he is the happiest dog on planet earth, not to mention spoiled. Sometimes dogs just dont get along, and there is nothing you can do to make it better.

Ok, I kind of started babbling, sorry.
But the point is, I totally understand where you are coming from. Just remember to have a little sympathy for the poor Doxie too!

 

[ilzabet]

thanks for all the replies. i've calmed down a little. and my husband and i made up. he actually doesn't understand why i'm still upset.....and he's going to be really concerned when he wakes up in an hour or so and realizes i'm STILL upset and can't sleep. (and i've been trying to leave it, honest! i went to the grocery store, i bought a stuffed animal, a christmas barbie, pretty yellow roses and some ice cream, i painted my toes and fingers, i watched half a season of greys anatomy....heck, i even dyed my damn hair! )

my post made it seem like i don't care about the doxie. i'll admit i have issues with this dog which is why DH immediately got defensive. i took her human away and she sees me as competition i think. for the first six months we were dating she growled the whole time i was in the house and even bit me a few times (of course no one did anything). at this point we just give each other space. but ALL animals deserve to be safe. she's very loved and sweet to...well some people. i really do hope she gets better quickly and that she isn't in a lot of pain.

i just feel like everyone's going to focus on her because she's the one that got hurt while the lab is treated as "bad" like MandM said which will just make the situation escalate. i'm so scared this dog will be taken to the pound or put down or something without ever have even attended a basic obedience class! my husband says they've done that before with other big dogs when he was younger.

i think it's affecting me so badly because i've volunteered at the shelter and seen the HUGE number of dogs that people think will....well, i don't know what they think. probably that dogs train themselves or something.....and when it doesn't work out or gets too hard just give up on them.

i'm venting. again. sorry. it's just so frustrating on so many levels.....mostly because i know what kind of people my in laws are and that nothing will change. among other things. i should probably figure out exactly where else i'm displacing anger from because this is getting a little ridiculous.

thanks for reading if you've gotten this far. you guys rock.

 

[sarahcantiik]

Poor Doxie, however snotty ***** she is she doesnt deserved to be in a lot of pain like this. The lab is still a pup, perhaps training is not too late for her if you all want the dogs to co exist peacefully. You guys should def figure out ways to channel all those pup energy positively, take her out on walks, etc. Labs are very active dogs, and I feel sorry for the pup is she's not being exercised enough.

 

[asark]

First and most IMPORTANTLY - did the doxie get Xrays to check for internal/spinal damage from being shook????

As a doxie owner, large dogs generally do not mix with them. They are delicate creatures, as one big paw on the long back and you have a paralyzed dog. I think your in-laws were out of their minds to get a lab with 3 doxies - and a pup to boot (someone REALLY didn't do their research, or even consider the potential consequences for a second!)!!!

This situation sounds like the pup was testing dominance. All packs have a hierarchy, and the puppy was trying to test for leadership of it's pack. Your in-laws have no clue about how to train for dominance issues - correct? Perhaps point them to Pets.ca or some other websites that may enlighten them. They need to think like the dog, not expect the dog to think like a human.

IMO it's only a short time before one of the other dogs get hurt/paralyzed/killed if they keep the lab; they need to adopt out the lab to a more suitable home. They obviously are not thinking straight (possibly kill a puppy due to a dominance issue - they've done it in the past? Gimme a break!), so please help them re-home this dog - perhaps if you like this pup so much you may be a great home for him/her??

I don't blame your hubby for being upset. I know you are not fond of the little old doxie... but you are correct - she likely is just upset that you took her best friend from her! My dad had a dog that never warmed up to my mom to the day she died. No big deal, dogs and people adjust eventually (when forced to).

Good luck - and do keep us updated!

 

[MandM]

Now I'm really worried about the lab puppy too! Could you and your husband take her in? Can't your husband speak to his parents and make sure that they don't take her to the pound...or worse?

i really hope this works out soon. Sorry you have so much stress now.

 

[dallas]

I have seen this situation before as far as the little dog/big dog issue. The big dogs are usually seen as the bad guys, while the little dogs get away with murder just because of their size. The fact that the Doxie was permitted to bite you astounds me. Quite frankly she sounds spoiled rotten and in my experience dogs like that are never pleasant to be around. As far as her seeing you as competition, well that's tough cookies for her, you are a human being, she is a dog...end of story. No dog should be permitted to bite anyone in that situation. Ever. Perhaps some of your anger over this situation comes from the fact that this little *b* was allowed to bite you...and nobody did a darn thing? You didn't matter, only the dog did and to this day your DH still thinks the dog is blameless on all counts. I don't know, I'm just throwing this out there.
It sounds like the Lab. being re-homed is the best idea because these people clearly have no clue. Unfortunately there isn't much you can do about the way they bring up their pets and you will only get yourself tied up in knots if you try. If you're still mad maybe writing it all down will help offload some of your frustration and anger, again, I don't know I'm just making a suggestion. Take care.

 

[ilzabet]

First and most IMPORTANTLY - did the doxie get Xrays to check for internal/spinal damage from being shook????

they took the doxie to the vet right after it happened. the vet is also my vet and he's very good....i'm sure he did that.

there were already plans in place that when his gram moves to our area (next door in fact) in a few weeks that that particular doxie was going to live with her anyway for company. rest easy that she will be very safe and very loved. but most of the time they're just going to shut lab pup in a kennel or bedroom until gram gets here.... it doesn't address the underlining issues, you know? i worry for the other doxies. they are keeping them safe, but at the expense of lab pup.

they mean well. they really do. they're just ignorant. DH and i knew from the beginning that this was a really bad match (tiny old doxies and huge lab puppy? come on, that's just common sense!) and it's just gone downhill since then. something like this was just WAITING to happen since day one....but again they just don't listen.

we have tried with the training sites and behavior handouts (and i'm not so preachy/attitude in person, i promise)....DH has talked to them quite a few times, although he doesn't think it's quite as big a deal as i do. but there's a prevailing idea in the family (DH excluded) that smacking a dog with a newspaper will solve problems and that giving up on an animal is okay. i gave up a long time ago.....just like people and their kids that i know just need better information but won't take it. too much stress for me. but this has just brought it all back.

i think the lab will be safe from the pound (i hope hope hope....but they have used that option before)....and they won't directly put her down themselves. DH's dad is very attached to lab pup....but also MOST resistant to listening to anything. he was the one that said to me on the spaying issue "dear, people have a right to do what they want with their pets, right or wrong." he doesn't usually bond very tightly with pets, but he and the lab are pretty tight. i really hope this bond would mean he would work hard to find her a good home if it comes to that. but i just know that a little non newspaper training and even a few walks a week (preferably every day of course, but baby steps) would probably even let her stay in the family a bit easier.

i would offer to take her, even until grandma comes in a few weeks....but my current house isn't pet friendly. i spend probably 1/3 to 1/2 of my time living at my mom's (whenever DH is at work) which is where lily lives. the only reason she let me get lily was because she was so well behaved (well that, and she'd been at the shelter for 4 months and my mom couldn't leave such a sweet dog there any longer.) lab pup and lil are GREAT friends and i would love to take her, but i wouldn't be a good home for lab pup either.

so there's the update. i'm much more cool headed about it today. i'm going to try having DH talk with them again, maybe print some things out again about new training methods. i'm also thinking of buying them GC's to puppy class myself. money might be the issue....they just don't see the need to spend money when they can "do it themselves." (which is obviously working well....) then i guess i just need to wash my hands of it. que cera, cera.

thanks y'all for all your replies. they're very helpful. and pretty cathartic for me as well.

 

[ilzabet]

I have seen this situation before as far as the little dog/big dog issue. The big dogs are usually seen as the bad guys, while the little dogs get away with murder just because of their size. The fact that the Doxie was permitted to bite you astounds me. Quite frankly she sounds spoiled rotten and in my experience dogs like that are never pleasant to be around. As far as her seeing you as competition, well that's tough cookies for her, you are a human being, she is a dog...end of story. No dog should be permitted to bite anyone in that situation. Ever. Perhaps some of your anger over this situation comes from the fact that this little *b* was allowed to bite you...and nobody did a darn thing? You didn't matter, only the dog did and to this day your DH still thinks the dog is blameless on all counts. I don't know, I'm just throwing this out there.
It sounds like the Lab. being re-homed is the best idea because these people clearly have no clue. Unfortunately there isn't much you can do about the way they bring up their pets and you will only get yourself tied up in knots if you try. If you're still mad maybe writing it all down will help offload some of your frustration and anger, again, I don't know I'm just making a suggestion. Take care.

this is definitely a big part of the reason i am so upset.....but i've never thought it through to that point. that makes me feel better. thank you.

 

[ilzabet]

This situation sounds like the pup was testing dominance. All packs have a hierarchy, and the puppy was trying to test for leadership of it's pack. Your in-laws have no clue about how to train for dominance issues - correct? Perhaps point them to Pets.ca or some other websites that may enlighten them. They need to think like the dog, not expect the dog to think like a human.

this is what i thought as well. the hierarchy seems to have worked itself out on it's own with the other two and there haven't been any problems, not even snarking......so far. and no, they do NOT understand dog behavior. understatement. that was the other idea with getting the puppy certificates/one on one trainer time....that the trainer could help know what the early signs are, that exersize is a big part of owning a puppy and preventing this stuff or even the playing puppies do that would hurt a doxie, and help them know what to do before it escalates to a dangerous level etc....without it coming from me and with VASTLY more knowledge and experience.

IMO it's only a short time before one of the other dogs get hurt/paralyzed/killed if they keep the lab; they need to adopt out the lab to a more suitable home. They obviously are not thinking straight (possibly kill a puppy due to a dominance issue - they've done it in the past? Gimme a break!), so please help them re-home this dog - perhaps if you like this pup so much you may be a great home for him/her??

i agree. but i don't think at this point, since doxie is leaving, that they would listen to rehoming yet. if doxie wasn't leaving, i think they would which would be best for everyone. unfortunately, at this point something else would have to happen first....which is another reason i am so worried.

free trainer. that's all i can think of to help. oooh and maybe picking her up more often (like most days) to come play with lily and come on beach walks with us. i would be doing that right now, today, except i got in a car accident a few weeks ago and can barely walk my own well behaved dog. not suprisingly, lab is hard to walk unless you can be firm. and i just don't have the strength right now....i have been driving up though instead of walking to the beach which means i can just let them off leash....but i don't know if lab would listen to me enough to be off leash with just me there, you know? something to test out i suppose.

 

[heartnaspade]

I'm personally angry that your in-laws are so ignorant and selfish that they haven't SPAYED that dog yet. They're not breeders, they clearly have absolutely no idea how to handle dogs, and now they're keeping open the possibility that they might bring more puppies into this already over-populated world?

So in other words, I would be mad too. It's not fair to you or their animals that they've been so grossly inconsiderate and careless with the training and handling of these pets. Pets are not toys, they're living beings that need love, training, and care, and it sounds like your in-laws just couldn't be bothered with the things these animals need most. I'm sorry, but if I were in your situation I would be fuming as well. You may be concerned with sounding "preachy," but I think it might actually help if you casually talk with his parents about the behavioral issues. Try to talk to them about getting her spayed, explain why this is the best idea, and talk about a training regiment. They obviously haven't figured it out on their own yet, so you could be a big help.

 

[asark]

I'm personally angry that your in-laws are so ignorant and selfish that they haven't SPAYED that dog yet. They're not breeders, they clearly have absolutely no idea how to handle dogs, and now they're keeping open the possibility that they might bring more puppies into this already over-populated world?

So in other words, I would be mad too. It's not fair to you or their animals that they've been so grossly inconsiderate and careless with the training and handling of these pets. Pets are not toys, they're living beings that need love, training, and care, and it sounds like your in-laws just couldn't be bothered with the things these animals need most. I'm sorry, but if I were in your situation I would be fuming as well. You may be concerned with sounding "preachy," but I think it might actually help if you casually talk with his parents about the behavioral issues. Try to talk to them about getting her spayed, explain why this is the best idea, and talk about a training regiment. They obviously haven't figured it out on their own yet, so you could be a big help.

Thank you - I missed this very important point!!