How to Shower like a Woman --
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- Take off the fourteen layers of clothing you put on this morning because there was a distinct chill in the air due to the temperature dropping below 73 degrees. Carefully fold and place in clothes hamper.
- Walk to bathroom. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh immediately.
- Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
- Position the shower nozzle away from you and turn on water.
- Get in the shower, once you have found it through all that steam.
- Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
- Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
- Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
- Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
- Watch fallen hair accumulate on drain & fret.
- Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub until red.
- Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
- Complain bitterly when you realize that your boyfriend/husband has once again been eating your Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
- Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
- Shave armpits and evaluate if there is time left for legs.
- Slick hair back and pretend you're like Bo Derek in 10.
- Use pumice stone to soften rough spots on feet.
- Use massage mitt to reduce cellulite on thighs.
- Use nail brush to clean toe nails.
- Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband runs faucet and you get a rush of cold water.
- Cover your entire body in baby oil.
- Turn hot water on full and rinse off, making shower dangerously slippery for boyfriend/ husband.
- Dry with a towel the size of a small African country.
- Check entire body for the remotest sign of a spot, or new hair in an uncommon place.
- Apply body lotion from the neck down. Moisturize. Moisturize!
- Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed fleshimmediately, and then rush to bedroom.
- Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor.
- Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her.
- Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs.
- Turn on the water, get jet blast in ear.
- Check for pecs again.
- Get in the shower.
- Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
- Wash your face (not compulsory).
- Whistle a few bars of the Irish Spring song.
- Wash your armpits (not compulsory).
- Wash your groin area.
- Wash your behind, with your wife's/girlfriend's loofah.
- Cough up anything that might be lodged in the back of your throat.
- Shampoo your hair with the blue bar of deodorant soap (no need for conditioner).
- Make a shampoo Mohawk.
- Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror.
- Sample your girlfriend's/wife's Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
- Pee.
- Blow your right nostril.
- Blow your left nostril.
- Rinse off and get out of the shower.
- Return to the bedroom wearing a towel, if you pass your girlfriend/wife, flash her.